The Karma of a Spaceholder
Karma is not looking for a fan club. It’s a natural law of physics. The words resonating in me strongly. Book number three this week. My reading load extensive these days that I have mostly spent with myself, inside myself despite little excursions to the pool, having a coffee or do some shopping, having the usual chitchats that don't touch me. That don't reach me. No one reaching my heart in my loneliness since she left. Everyone disappearing as if most of it was a dream. Like a big dark cloud is moving through my mind the last days. Not only in the inside of me but also on the physical sky. Reflecting my mood.
An occasional yoga class, an answered call, my neighbor and tattoo friend running an urgent errand for me, with me, putting me on his bike once I utter my need, taking off with me for the mission, stopping to buy us a Lassi, taking me to the temple, handing me more of his books that I finish within only days under his astonished eyes. Appreciation in my mind, yet not completely reaching my heart. People approaching me, trying to touch me, my yoga teacher showing up only for me, teaching me new tricks, the details, the daily magic that used to bring out pure bliss in me; failing to reach me now. Being in the role of the observer doesn't seem to do the trick these days when my deep feeling of disconnection is much stronger than all the little magical moments throughout the days. Until today.
Slowly day by day trying to do things that get me back on track to my happiness and peace at mind I finally get my ticket to the mountains. From my yogi in the forest. My home. The magical forest. The fairy forest where magic had started to happen for me back then. Magic and big learnings. Lessons that took me where I am today. Brave, strong and selective of my company and surroundings, not ready to waste more energy than I already have on people who do not appreciate me or reciprocate my love back to me. The forest is calling when I asked him if he had space for me. The spaceholder. Needing space to be held. Lina… this your home… how can you ask this my friend? Moving just the right part inside of me. Holding space for me.
With the movement, the change I needed so much, my way out of yoga town where I've spent three months, things start evolving again as they should. The universe little by little sending love letters my way again. Popping up long craved yoga classes right on my last days. Places and people, combining, conspiring once more to bring me all I was still worrying about before going.
Resolving our tensions before B tells me that he will go back home as he is too full from his traveling, having taken over his capacity, we have a last meal together as he hands me his warm winter jacket that I would need for the mountains. And not only that. When I come for the last time to say bye to him, he pulls out the hiking boots I was asking the universe for a couple of days ago in the exact scenario that I imagined. A girl left them here at the hostel. Didn't you need hiking boots? Indeed this was what I needed. The last thing that was missing. I laugh. Today the spirits have awoken. Rebirth. From the moment I wake up except that it seemed just a bit too early.
And yet maybe it was exactly that time that threw all the little miracles into place. Where they needed to be. Finally having my 7am hatha, pushing me into place, to the wall and away; going into the café next door, providing this peaceful ambience, covering me in ease and happiness, enjoying my cappuccino that was brought to me by... Hey you remember me? The girl sets down the cappuccino in front of me. I'm confused. I don't recognize her, she is also not working here. No. I say looking up at her apologetically. She reminds me and smiles. I feel kind of awkward. A mix of gratitude, surprise and feeling recognized, yet exposed by not remembering her rushing through me. It reflects my mood. Movement. Things repositioning themselves. Where they belong. Where they should be. And they keep on doing so, receiving so much love from my friends, evolving with me, around me while I am enjoying my second cappuccino. Karma.
Karma Yoga Life the yogic psychology says. Full of energy from their words and my Karma apparently also not looking for a fan club, I pay and leave the café. And see… A. Stopping next to me with his scooty as every day. He’s smiling at me asking me what I’m doing as every day. And as every day I realize how I’m trying to escape the conversation, going hiding behind my book again, only today I realize that it’s me. Let’s meet before you leave, he suggests as probably also the days before. I get going. Entering my apartment B is asking me to come over to say bye to him. I grab my things and am out the door.
Once I reach, we sit on his balcony for the last time overlooking the street. The place where everything happens. And so it does in front of my eyes. The German guy whose name I couldn't even remember, the A student I met what must be two weeks ago by now, is walking by. From A to M. They're showing themselves today. The As disappearing significantly fast while the Ms seem to be the ones bringing me deeper feelings. Just like he does. Without knowing him I felt that warmth the first time we speak. The attentiveness and true concern and compassion in his eyes for my situation after having spoken for only a few minutes.
I yell down the balcony. He's looking up smiling. We start talking over the balcony and already it seems like I don't want to stop. I feel a connection, I wanna talk more. Even from down there the first thing he is asking is if I was feeling better. It's touching me, I feel something in my chest. A heat rising. Something I haven't felt in a while and I have no idea where it's coming from. And it doesn't matter. His smile literally pulling me in, giving this feeling of wanting to be near him just like his hug. I fully only realize when I stand in my apartment making my last smoothie with the blender that I haven't used throughout all the time. For one last time creating a little magical treat combining all the last ingredients I can find in my kitchen between the mango and banana, the cinnamon, honey and home made peanut sauce, I add some lime and sugar cane juice. While I am holding the blender I think about our encounter only an hour earlier and receive a message from him.
I go down to talk to him directly instead of shouting off the balcony when he offers to continue the conversation over the chat, suggesting that I could have already asked his number before. Like my twin sister at heart has also suggested me only a few days before. I remember. And how he has offered me the very first time we talked to continue our conversation. I noticed. I even thought about it and yet I was not in the right state to go after someone. I did not take it seriously. People say things like that all the time. And yet so it seems he was sincere. And so he is today. We exchange numbers and I return to the balcony with a big smile all across my face. His hug so warm, so close, it feels natural, I feel drawn to him. His embrace feels safe. Familiar. Connecting. Intimate in the best sense, something I haven't felt in a while. B can't help but give me a comment. Da geht doch was. He is laughing and so am I. I am also not denying it. Yes there is something going on. Even if I don't know what it is. I guess he could even notice it from the short conversation from up the balcony. Yet it wouldn’t matter as it’s my last days and he is… in rebirth.
Winged I fly back to my place, my heart full. Having said good bye to my friend, dissolving our discrepancies, having run into all these beautiful people in the early morning hours, throws me back into my joy and appreciation for this place that I have felt for such a long time before I felt like I have become the space holder for one too many times. Holding space for all the people who couldn't and who wouldn't notice that I was doing it for them, not ready anymore to hold more, opening the space for myself to be held. And there it is. The Universe opening up again to me, holding space again. For me. All these tears stuck inside my throat slowly moving into a different place as well. A place of release. A place of peace. Letting go of it all. Starting a new season. Right here today. Now.
I'm not even surprised anymore she says laughing. I'm really not. Our love, friendship and connection growing through all us women across the world. From New Zealand through Japan, Indonesia to Peru and India. Not interruption. We create our stories, together. Connecting them. The rising women. I can feel them through every pore. All our confidence and love growing out of us, above us for all of us. Manifesting generators all around. These last days filling me up with happiness. Only finding myself in places surrounded by kindness, empathy and love. Having dinner at my newly found favorite the way I'm being served I feel nothing but welcome, cherished even, appreciated. Having the best food I have found anywhere in India so far, inhaling all of it like my body has been craving exactly that for the longest time. Returning every day for my last days here to his happiness, enjoying more of their delicious treats and hospitality. Offering me even place to stay. Now having found welcoming homes I know I will return. Just like my owner suggests who is coming by only minutes after dinner making sure I ate. Collecting his money, I also balance the open amount of my friend that he is telling me about, showing her the same kindness, yet having her leave without a warning. His kindness and correctness towards me every time surprising. Fair and caring. He calculates exactly this low amount that I owe him, organizing me a taxi for when I go. It's night and I am filled with bliss up to my bliss body itself. All the right friends in all the right places. Yogic lifestyle.
Lina it's not that no one will miss you when you are gone or even not notice. Yes maybe they won't cry over you or call you or tell you. But you leave impact on people. And they will feel that impact when you're gone. This is the kind of person you are. My sisters no matter where they are sharing their trust, their appreciation and care for me with me. I fall into a happy sleep before I get into my 7am yoga, heading up hill to go again for a round of swimming after a day off. Today the sun is shining out of people's faces just as much as from the sky, the same warmth radiating out of my heart. People smiling at me saying hello as if I was shining gold. Circling around in the pool one of the staff is looking at me from up gesturing a drinking move. I smile from the pool nodding. No words needed. Not anymore. Only minutes later I have a chai in my hand. I drink the sweet warm drink, swimming some last rounds before I'm getting too cold and get dressed.
Comments
Post a Comment