From Butterfly to Bumble Bee

 From butterfly to bumble bee. Returning to my home, strolling around as usual on a Saturday afternoon, soaking in the vibes of my favorite city. I'm debating with myself how to make new connections. Between my old ones, returning from this human disappointment, processing the changes with my love and creating new ones. New ones that may hold the opposing mirror of what could be. Who could be. 

As the Universe is kind as always it takes me no more than a few messages in exchange with a handful of people to receive the ones that catch my attention. Not because they are unique. Not because they are attractive or extraordinary but quite the opposite. They are humble, they are quiet, they seem sincere. How are you feeling is the beginning and my reply of not knowing how to answer this good question is all it takes as the person on the opposite end seems attentive enough to sense what this means. Not forceful but offering an ear, he is asking me if I wasn't feeling good. He would be a good listener if I wanted to share my thoughts. The cut off picture in his profile without a head giving me the feeling he may be a creep who would obviously offer what he thought I needed to hear. 

His style of writing though offering the opposite. A laid back, sincere, sensitive, open person who seems to come with true interest for my person and what I am coming with. What I am here for and what I am looking for. Ready to take on whatever I have to offer. I tell him that it would be easier to meet in person to talk about the topics that are coming up for us. He seems genuinely surprised which speaks even more in his favor, making him appear in a caring and sensitive light to protect me. It seems he didn't want to overwhelm me by asking me this quick and yet he seems positively surprised that I offer him to meet. Every detail of his communication with me gives me a safe, calm feeling. He's soft and attentive. Telling me he would come to pick me up with his car, I don't need to go anywhere. Bringing me a little gift. I am speechless of how kind he is before we are even meeting. 

Every move he is communicating with me, showing up exactly the minute he tells me. I jump out the hostel into his car. His beautiful small car. As he said cutest car in town. Sitting down I receive a message. The message comes straight from the Universe. Maybe it is a test. And if so I pass it with waving flags. It's a message from A. Finally after three days of having opened up to him, offered communication to him, having warned him and finally insulted him when once again he ignores all my messages, dumping me like he did so many times before. I see the pop up and I know I have a choice to make in that moment. I go into my inbox and press delete without reading them. For the first time. Ever. I'm proud of myself. And the reward of the Universe is nothing less than the guy sitting next to me in the car.

The guy who is taking me to pick all the food that I like in the market, like a little child, I already know by his attentiveness that I have a lot of appreciation for him. Making sure he provides everything to make me feel comfortable naturally, it's already striking me from the very first moments. Leaving the market he is asking me if I needed to use the washroom. It is stunning to me. How he pays attention to my needs without knowing them. Even later when I go in nature he will offer paper and wipes as if he had everything in check when it comes to the little things that one could need. That I could need. Our conversations are easy, naturally flowing. Not overwhelming, not too much. Not too intense, yet he is sharing his story with me. He is opening up, showing himself brave and vulnerable. Authentic. A rare combination. Just calm and yet totally invested in our time together. Organic is what it is. Reminding me of my last encounter before I left the city almost half a year ago.

All that glitters is not gold coming back to me. Memories from just before I left. The sparkling temptations of the Golden words of a guy that made me fall. The Glitter of his appearance distracting me from who he really was, dismissing me after the first meeting, slowly, subtle and painfully. The last memory before I left, a hurtful one, replaced by this one right here right now. The one that is lasting. An encounter that seems to promise ease and care.

Driving through the rain, the mist is getting more and more dense, the streets foggier and foggier. He wanted to show me the view. And still for a few moments the sky is opening up and I see the beauty of the nature of Georgia. The green hills and beautiful little houses and I remember how much and why I love this country so much. Like no place else. And so does he. The green mountains, the fresh air. The beauty of the countryside unique. He is opening the bottle of wine he has brought for me with a screw driver. Although he is not drinking himself anymore for just a bit over a month he doesn't hesitate to do anything in his power to get to the wine for me. 

I feel like the Universe has sent me this person to show me how beautiful and simple it can be to get along with a someone. To care for someone effortlessly, selflessly, kindly. How easy it can be to feel loved and taken care of. Even by a stranger. I am positively surprised by how comfortable and appreciated this person makes me feel. How he also doesn't scare away from expressing his affection for me that seems to has taken him by surprise as well. He spends every minute with me before he has to leave to take care of his sick father.  And before he comes to see me two hours later for the second time.

Even in this time he sends me a message of how taken he was by our meeting. I wanted to tell you that it was the best dating or Idk what to call it. I love it. I can't help but smile about his sweetness. His rawness. His affection for me after only a few hours. A few hours that will become a few more hours in the dark last hours of the day. He apologized for his desire to kiss me, before meeting again, still showing his honesty, not hiding away his feelings but finding a basis on which we could communicate to make sure we are on the same page. I have nothing but appreciation for this guy. He doesn't seem to have to think about what to do, he's just naturally communicating with me how he feels. A rare quality I haven't found in any man for quite some time. 

Enjoying the hours we have together it seems like he wants them to never end. He is drawn to me, also clearly taken by surprise for how much he likes me. Astonished. Overtaken by our organic flow. He is holding my face, placing kisses all over my skin. I didn't see it coming, I still am in the friendship zone - not about to leave. I know it's rarely done me any good. I wouldn't know if I want this encounter to go anywhere else than where we are at the moment. I want to get to know him. And yet as he is moving along with his soft kisses, holding my head, we are giggling from our unexpected Sunday Funday. From being with someone that we can share our thoughts and feelings with. In honesty. Without hiding anything away. Finally one of his kisses touches my lips. For the first moments I try to refuse to get too much into it but after a few seconds I cannot hold back anymore. 

Something is happening inside my body that I haven't felt since six months before. A physical reaction I didn't see coming in a million years. I was sure it would be a big disappointment to move to a different stage and yet my body is telling me something else. Totally taken away. Soaked into his kisses, it feels like we're melting into each other. Slowly, faster, compassionately until we cannot stop anymore. Cannot keep our hands off each other. My head is spinning, my body tingling from head to toe and I am totally in the dark of how it's been happening. I only feel what I feel and the feeling is too good to not want it. Like an explosion. Like I don't want this closeness to end. This intimacy, this union. This merging of our faces that comes out of nowhere and now doesn't seem to want to find an ending. Ecstasy.

Be my passenger princess every time and touch me like last time when I'll drive or when I'll be with you he writes me the next morning. I guess this I can do. Could I barely go to sleep with this intense tension in my body from the night before. He has opened a different door for us. And still I hope this door will not compromise our chance of getting to know each other for who we are. We have time to get to know each other. He says. I'm happy I met you. I feel different with you. His sweetness knows no end. He is communicating at all times despite his challenging, work life and this burdening private life with his sick father and demanding aunty at home that doesn't even give him enough sleep. He will not fail to write me first thing in the morning asking how I feel. Worry about me not to get cold or have enough food. We will see about the baby. All I know for now is, that the Universe wanted me to see how it can be. I know that I want to meet you and hug you. I need that. I want you so fucking much you don't even know yet. It's a lot but it's what I need to hear. For the last week has shown me once too many times the contradiction of words becoming meaningless in reality when they ought to become actions. Now giving me the integrated version of a person who comes around and says exactly what he does. No discrepancies, no dissociations. Honesty and authenticity of an integrated person. Respect and care and openness to what is yet to come.