Let Them

Tell me if he’s replying she says I have faith in him I say. I’m positive he can understand when he reflects upon it. Maybe he will take time. I was wrong. Neither did he take time, nor did he understand. It takes only minutes when I get a reaction. She was with me all day, reflecting upon my messages as I was trying my best to be clear, honest and kind in my communication. Wanting to be fair, open and communicate from a place of love and not anger. It didn't seem to bring my desired outcome. I can't believe he would just end the friendship like this, with this message. And if he would, then it is not a friend of yours. She is speaking my mind. You don't speak to people that you care about like that. She is clear as I am. She is not trying to tell me what I want to hear. She tells me her honest opinion. The first message I could understand that he would see this maybe as an "attack" [...] sometimes it's hard to see the intentions behind the words as you often don't have any other information available. BUT you can always try to see the context of other people. I see your intentions better behind your words. I don't see them as an attack but for space for feedback, for room that there is something that needs to be changed. And I think he doesn't see this now. And that's really sad because if he truly cared, he would have done it differently. [...] Again this is exactly how I feel.

Threatened by his ego. On the verge. The Great Man Syndrom. The notion that their mere existence should be blessing enough for the world to appreciate their all being. Sitting back and relaxing for the world to come to them. Other than women who have learned to fight for love it occurs to me only the most courageous men who are willing enough to face their demons will open up to the possibility that they haven’t cared enough. That they are at fault. That we deserve to be heard and seen. That they could give more without starting an ego fight. 

He seems not to be in that space. He feels attacked, he goes into flight mode. He fights. For himself. For his own protection. Instead of opening up to what I share with him, expressing that I feel neglected in the friendship he is starting to fight me. It’s my right that I don't want to exchange messages every day. He is making the same statement like in the message in the morning or the weeks before as if it was about being RIGHT. Blowing it out of proportion, going into the extremes only to prove me wrong. Twisting the facts to prove that he is „right“. As if I was to question his right of not communicating with me at any point. Why would I? That was never my point. If he doesn't want to communicate, if he chooses not to for whatever reason within these extended periods of time then this is his choice. The statement I was making is that I don't see where he is being a friend for me in this. I do not see where he is nourishing our friendship with this. Where I am standing in this and what his offer as a friend towards me is. I don't want to have the feeling in the friendship that "it" is not enough. Yet when I am asking for the it he is not giving me an answer. 

Getting angry. Spitting fire like a volcano for the mere reason of me expressing my feelings towards him. As if I had insulted him when all I asked him was to be a friend. Sincerely asking him what his offer as a friend was towards me. Treating me as if I came around to make his life hard and push my principles on him. This is really complicated and it is not me, it's you. Yes correct again. It is me speaking up. It is me pointing out what I want in a friendship and as of so many times before in my life the "light"-life, easy going young man doesn't want hear about my values in a friendship. He doesn't want to know how I feel about it because it is creating discomfort in his own position.

Where did did the sweet sensitive part of my friend go? What happened? Have I noticed before that he is a strongly opinionated person who will fight when he sees himself in the right, was I still hoping that he would be brave enough to open up to the possibility that he cannot see the whole picture. That he was willing enough, caring enough to take a step back and question his own well established point of view to see mine.

It is a disappointment like I've experienced the same procedure too many times before. Dynamics that for the most parts are developing in relationships with men. Protecting themselves at the cost of making the other person look bad without feeling shame for it. And If this is how he sincerely believes to see me, a person who is trying to make a statement for no reason, bothering him, making things complicated then he has never known me for my heart and my love for people. And I am asking myself  who really is trying to make a statement here?

Cursing my value system principles, projecting his sense of wanting to be right on me. When all I was trying was to transport my values of friendship to him to find a solution to make our friendship worthwhile. Knowing my values of true care, interest and support. Of sharing and communicating openly. My belief that friendships deserve attention, that they need to be cultivated and appreciated. A connection where both people feel, loved, seen and welcome instead of forgotten and pushed away. If I cannot express how I feel about our communication without him playing his power card then what do we have left? If I cannot safely share my set of values without him becoming angry then how can I trust him with any of my thoughts and feelings?

I was nowhere near asking him to be my babysitter, walking me through life every day or anything like that. I was offering my view of communication in a friendship and the possibility that maybe I wasn't worth for him to put more effort, that maybe he didn't have the capacity to be my friend if he doesn't find the time to nourish and care for our connection. It's not what he wanted to hear. Even though I wasn't blaming him for anything but solely asking to reflect upon my thought. He goes into war zone with me instead of finding the sensitivity for point of view. 

While he is in the zone of proving his point he doesn't recognize how hurtful and insulting he is getting. Feeling safe and comfortable in the position of power and control. Again telling me that he doesn’t know when or even IF he will write back to me. The exact thing I reflected upon him. From a place of superiority he is communicating me down. Creating a disbalance in our relationship where I am not allowed to speak my mind. The sense of equality seems to have gone out the window when he tells me not to message him again. Bye bye. As if. After everything he wrote. As if I was some sort of stalker, sending him endless messages every day, bothering him, harassing him, insulting me for who I am, pushing me away when I finally contact him after several weeks. Trying to make me look like an unreasonable high maintenance bitch that he can’t please. He seems to fail to understand that also I have my limits and that maybe he could also act in a way that I had no reason left to be in contact with him anymore. Bewilderment is all I can feel in this moment but that doesn't cross his mind. Too far away he is in his ever fixed position of what is right and what is wrong, convinced of his argument.

In his arrogance he seems to fail to understand that he has unfairly overstepped my boundaries as a feeling human being. This shows nothing less than his ego also not taking any of my words seriously, regaining the power over me. Telling me what to do, making sure I know that he will decide when or if or what....

No inclusion. Separation and hierarchy. When I was asking for love he is rejecting me, confusing a sincere request with a power game.

Instead of stepping over to my side, finding sensitivity for my perspective, he is staying in his position of control, playing exactly the cards as I had reflected it to him before. 

How can communication take place from a space of control and (self)-righteousness, refusing to step outside of your own position? What will it do when it comes from a place other than benevolence, care and love for the other person? It will cause separation. And it does. It can only be beneficial and connecting when we try to move into the context of the other person's background, trying to see how they feel, come together in openness and true interest of the other person's well being instead of pushing them away for the sake one's own argument. For now it doesn’t seem like what he wants to do is step into my space. And this is exactly where I came from. It doesn't seem like it is what he feels towards me. And it is also what is getting him angry when I point it out to him.

How can we expect to come together, move closer if we step away from the other person fighting their 50 % that they are bringing into the relationship? He wants 100%. Making sure he got it. "not taking his right away". When we were in a similar space a few months ago, he understood. He understood compromise, he understood it wasn't productive in a friendship to disappear completely. Two weeks was the offer. It didn't even come down to that. This time he seems to have forgotten all about it and only understands to blame me for expressing my mind. For showing up, making myself vulnerable, asking him if maybe I was just not worth the friendship to him, remaining in silence about it instead firing up his defense mechanisms to protect himself. What I get is a reaction from a place of hurt ego. Expressing that I would like to be more part of his life when I wouldn’t even know anything about his current situation. At all. At any time. Not the country he is in or anything else about him for that matter. Not what he’s going through, not how he’s feeling, nothing as he doesn't share freely any personal aspect and is still expecting me to be appreciative of his mere existence. This is what he calls friendship. 

Asking me to shut up. And so I do. But not because he wants me to but because I've had enough putting my heart out there. I am disappointed and hurt in ways that apparently wouldn't even cross his mind. Thank you. It's all I needed to hear from you. Because the only person who has lately given me this feeling of not deserving communication was A. And for A I have not known anything else for two years. But for him... I thought maybe he could be more open to step outside his own mind. I was wrong. Once again. The familiarity of the pain makes it easier to digest. Potential doesn't help. Only practical reality is the measure. 

Coming to me right through other people when I need them the most....

... The rain is starting don’t get cold my lovely Lina. I’m here with you all the time. Oh my God Lina I'm so happy I met you. It seems in times when I struggle with one person, all the others are saying exactly the right things. Showing me how much they care and that it’s not a burden to care for me or to understand me but a pleasure. Like every day when I read his sweet messages which show nothing but appreciation for my being and everything else is slowly fading into the background. Or my oldest most sarcastic shining star who makes me laugh even in the most disappointing moments in life as she’s been with me through all of them. Nee nee du bist natürlich im Unrecht. Wärst du spirituell genug würdest du die deepe Connection auch ohne Kontakt spüren. Who needs regelmäßiges melden. I cannot stop laughing and I cannot keep my heart from smiling feeling all the energy of my friends around me. Why be upset about the one who chose himself over me?!

I feel calm, I feel clear. I feel like something has fallen off me. Follow your intuition was what he had told me over and over again. And I did. And I do. And I feel relieved. Lighter, even when parts of me are sad and disappointed. It is better than to stay in the dark and be quiet. No more remaining silent only because the other person might not want to hear what I have to say and might walk away from me because I don't comply with their attitude. 

You may have won the game of power but you’ve lost the game of love and friendship and with it you lost me as well. A price you were ready to pay just a tiny bit too fast. 

Let them.

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