My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

One week of so much pain that neither body nor my mind could hold it anyhow.  Totally drained, exhausted, tired from no sleep, no eat and endless tears that just wouldn't wanna cease for I couldn't understand what happened. I needed to find another way. I knew I wasn't gonna solve it this way. Having had endless conversations with all the people I knew and loved, my age, younger and older, wisdom, insights and analysis, the pain would only cease for few moments. But I felt deeply lost and in a dark hole. In an overwhelming pain that I didn't know how to process into anything else but pain and suffering. A space where I haven't found myself in a long time. A space of sorrow and hurt and darkness. A place with no exit. Numbing me, making me feel dead inside. Making me feel like I have no energy or reason to live... Not now not here anymore. Meaningless everything I do for love always failing. Everyone I trust rejecting me. I knew the only way for me to start the proce...

  Three glasses of sparkles bringing out some insights. Not at last because of her. Boundaries. Control. You have to set boundaries from the very beginning so the guy knows what he is allowed to do or not . My downfall. I never do. I don't feel like I need to and yet this is every time what ends it.  It reminds me of my ex-bf when I was so young. I always asked myself later why I even was with him when in the beginning I did not feel this extra special great connection. Like it was with him. When I was actually the one keeping him at a distance because I did not have a big boom moment. When this happens especially the ones having anxiety issues try to do whatever it takes to get in control. And this is what he did. He wanted me there. He treated me in a way that I felt that. That I felt wanted, seen, appreciated. Understood and cared for. More than one time I was the one who wanted to leave and he asked me to stay. When he got enough security of me being there, wanting to be t...

  Thank you A. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 Oh My why don’t you wanna be with me? Mio My Mio. Why did you not wanna get to know me? It’s only 7 but the tears are already awake. No need to wait for them even for a minute. Only one day before when we had this beautiful evening we’re talking about having a picture together and already the next day you look for a reason to get away from me. Why Oh My why…. Only a week ago you said we could handle both of our emotions. We will find a solution you said. And yet you were a ticking time bomb. And you knew it and you used it. You kept making up reasons for me not to be with you. I will hurt you, I will hurt you. Hurt is inevitable but suffering is a choice.  You wanted me. You wanted to be with me and yet you chose your made up identity of creating anxieties which are not even existing. Smart you are. Struggling with yourself for no reason when everything was easy and beautiful. Pushing me away when I did nothing wrong to you.  Rather you choos...

Red flag. Freshly cooked meal from a woman. The universal sign of love and care from a woman. My lovely oldest friend, reflecting back to me what she feels. Lina honestly it’s not ironic. Please write this down.   Look I am your friend so I will not protect him like you do. From my side I can see a lot of things that he didn’t do right. To me it seems he’s blowing things out of proportion. He's giving you the key to his flat, inviting you over, wanting you over when he’s coming home and then you cook him a warm meal and he’s sending you away? To me it didn’t seem like he wanted to end it with you. It sounded more like he wants to open his heart. She’s reflecting exactly what I feel. I tell her about the food that I wanted to bring him for lunch and how he rejected me. I tell her how I could see right through it even before, considering all the possible outcomes. If this had been an earlier version of me I would have protected him. But it isn’t my job anymore. I stood up for who I a...