Just another Hangover

One week of so much pain that neither body nor my mind could hold it anyhow. 
Totally drained, exhausted, tired from no sleep, no eat and endless tears that just wouldn't wanna cease for I couldn't understand what happened. I needed to find another way. I knew I wasn't gonna solve it this way. Having had endless conversations with all the people I knew and loved, my age, younger and older, wisdom, insights and analysis, the pain would only cease for few moments. But I felt deeply lost and in a dark hole. In an overwhelming pain that I didn't know how to process into anything else but pain and suffering. A space where I haven't found myself in a long time. A space of sorrow and hurt and darkness. A place with no exit. Numbing me, making me feel dead inside. Making me feel like I have no energy or reason to live... Not now not here anymore. Meaningless everything I do for love always failing. Everyone I trust rejecting me. I knew the only way for me to start the process was for me to write him to get a clear rejection where he shows me that he really didn't care and that he was really happy about the cut. And so he did as expected.

Most of the people who love you will tell you not to get in touch with the respective person anymore. It takes a lot of complexity and courage for someone to understand why maybe it actually would be a good idea. Except for my bestie of course:

You know what? I think differently today than yesterday. Just ask him. You have nothing to lose. When you already suffer so much, it's great that you are being considerate about him but in the end he has thrown you out, decided against you as if you were a job offer that you could reject after the trial period. And the rejected "applicant" should shut the fuck up then about it without knowing what was the actual problem, and leave with a friendly smile on their face and say thank you. Thank you for nothing. No feedback nothing. Just disgusting this throwing people away method which seems to be pretty standard. You know this guy told me something very helpful yesterday. He said in a certain way this kind of twisting the things and the perception of oneself and even believing oneself in this (the side of the man) has something of an external or internal attribution like narcissists do.

Gotta love your friends for all their input all the time.

I did it for myself. To create feelings of separation. Get a reality check. Move away from all this feeling how good we were. I needed to feel some anger towards him. We are all about this healing and being kind and doing the right thing when yet when we get so hurt by someone, being in such big turmoil and confusion and irritation that we can't even sleep a night through, lose our appetite, feel exhausted like we cannot even exist, sometimes for us to even be able to start healing we need to create some feelings of distance of rage and anger to let go. And this is what I did.

You know what's the thing with guys who are good in communicating feelings? It does not necessarily mean that they are also the ones who can feel them. Many times they are exactly the ones who very good about shutting themselves off them. They can transport the emotions to you in such a "real" deep way that you are totally evolved while they stay totally uninvolved. He is just being pragmatic. No he didn't want a relationship so he is ending it. Yet... She says. What the hell did he do with you? Why did he even spend time with you in the first place? It makes no sense. Today I know. He was sincerely trying. 

Only I didn't understand that there was no way he could overcome himself because he doesn't believe it and he doesn't want to. For the time being he did though. He overcame a lot of little things. For the connection. And yet he did not take over responsibility for his words and actions. He thinks putting out warnings once in a while that he is incapable of having a relationship or that he will hurt me is a proper method to avoid any misunderstanding. Well it clearly doesn't when you act differently. Mixed messages to the core. Every word, every action, every look from his side during our time together saying the exact opposite. Telling his friends about me, trying to get to know every detail of who I am, encouraging everything I do, talking about forward looking things we will do, barely holding himself together in the little details when he spent time with me. Texting me when he is going out with his friends, even a night before he ends it talking about pictures together and sending me some of him for my friends to see. You didn’t say hey ten days is enough tomorrow I will already not wanna speak to you anymore. You didn’t prepare me for what was coming inside of you. No in opposite. All these things we talked about and you even said to hold my anxiety did not in any way prepare me for what you were about to do. That is not taking on his responsibility for what you did and that he out of nowhere cut me loose without communicating about it with me is a pain that no one can take away. When you trust a person and this person becomes unpredictable it is one of the most hurtful things. When you took control and power over the situation, not involving me or including me in what was happening, this is when something broke. Spending a last night together, when you even order another bottle for me to then later use it against me, telling me that I was drunk and aggressive because my surprise and shock and hurt came over me when you wanted to throw me out, was a scenario I didn't deserve to experience. I didn't deserve to be taken advantage of for however long it was good for you and then having me thrown away like a piece trash. No one deserves that and if he thinks still this is a proper method to deal with anxiety then many women will get very hurt for your ignorance selfish acts of wanting to feel a connection for some time but not being able to hold a relationship. (Not even as in a romantic way but for merely keeping a bond up, create trust, care for each other, build and not just run away one day without a warning).

I know what I felt and denying that later to protect himself like none of this happened and the only thing he ever conveyed to me during this time was that he didn’t want to be with me is a lie. And this hurts. It’s like he wants to make me look delusional just to feel ok with what he did. This is where I think he’s more intelligent than that and his human values shall be higher than that. You’re a flower you used to say. A soft fragile flower. Even if you wanna rationalize everything you said or did for me it’s impossible because it wasn’t rational. So if you knew I was a flower then you also knew how to break it. This kind of rejection blinding out what was is completely  contradictory to all that has been between us. All this appreciation, this overwhelming connection and admiration he had for me. Taking this away as if it didn’t exist. Lina you make men go crazy. Well maybe that wasn’t meant as a compliment because that never seems to help me.

You are both acting from your patterns and it doesn’t seem like it would have been anything healthy. Sorry Lina if I said something I shouldn’t have. What do I know, I mean any relationship is complicated and I don’t know what you wanted me to say really. Sorry for that. My friend here. In place. She's totally right I know. And she is the one who will open my eyes in a completely new way later on that day. Yes. I say. I needed this to find an ending finally. I have provoked this intentionally. I knew from the first day about his avoidant attachment. No sense that it's even called attachment. It's detachment if anything .... 😂We have been in communication about this throughout all the time this is why it was such a punch in my face when he spontaneously out of nowhere dismissed me. With all I am. No friendship no being in each other's life. [Talking about all this to my dad he suggests that he may have been still a good friend to have in my life. I laugh and I tell him the same. It's what I wanted. I thought it would be a shame to lose such a beautiful connection with a person but he just said he didn't need a friend. Not me anyways.] And yes I am working on my anxious attachment. It's not making it better the more of these men I meet who throw wood into the fire to make it rise even higher, showing me exactly that it's necessary to be anxious of them. As they will over and over again use you for whatever long they want and then push you away. Sometimes it seems like I would rather be on the other side of the spectrum and be the avoidant person going into flight mode. Being the one dismissing everyone out of my life. And yet this would also not be a solution. It just seems so much easier. I'm working on this because today I feel more worthy than that. I know what kind of an amazing person I am and that most men get scared of exactly that. I didn't wanna idealize him anymore and what we had. If he didn't mean it, if he wasn't true to me then I needed to know this to be able to process all of this. To understand and to find trust in myself again. I had to write him to finally get separation feelings. To let him go. That's why I was at the edge of my existence these days because I liked what we had. I appreciated this connection. It was beautiful to me. Now I created anger to let him go. I can be pragmatic too. 😂 Not aware yet that what my beautiful friend would tell me later on would change view on him 180 degrees.

Sometimes these conversations with all my lovelies are almost hurtful from all our honesty and reflections and yet it's what keeps me alive. Rather I confront myself each and every day with my anxiety and my pain than denying it and become an avoidant attached who cannot feel connections. Doesn't wanna create bonding and closeness to other people, separating myself from love and joy and truth.

Going into this already overly emotional day with the biggest hangover for months, more and more conversations pop up as again like the week before all come with running with open arms. Including parents. It is as if the whole Universe is feeling it. My friend not letting me stop her to call me from India, almost dying herself she has nothing better to do than to call me hear it all. I'm so proud of you. This was very courageous of you really. Oh I hear her empathy and her pain for me again. these emotional days bringing me so much love, I make my way out, totally in the clouds on my way to my coffee date. I feel relieved, I feel free and excited for a new start. I thank the Universe and at the exact same moment I get a message out of nowhere from Israel. From that girl. H. We haven't spoken in some time since she called a few weeks before sharing her struggles with me. 

As if she could read my soul she comes to tell me... One and a half minutes of LOVE. Hello my Love. I wanted to say I love you I miss you. I was going through your blogs. Diving into our time in Rishikesh when we met, going into your journey from your perspective. Reflecting on myself. I just wanted to remind you that you have friends who love you and I'm sending you a lot of love and good energy. I'd love to hear how are you, what has been going on. And about love life: I would love to say that it's good to choose yourself again and again and again. It is always about choosing yourself. So I love you and I hope we will connect again.

I'm walking in the sun, I almost need to cry. So unexpected from so far away. So on point with all that's needed. Just exactly the words I need to hear these days and that Lucky me I do get to hear all these days from all sides. All words of how meaningful and important I am in everyone's life. Just like he would say later on that night. Lina you are not lucky. You are just you. This is who you are. This is why these things happen.

With a shining heart and a message from another new person I walk down the road. A person who I have not just yet met and who still offers his open ear to listen to whatever it is that's on my mind. Kindness, openness, empathy and compassion. He thinks like me, he talks like me, he is making it easy to share even when we haven't seen each other's faces in person yet. I mean I don't know this person but don't think that I think it's your responsibility. I don't think that. From all that you are saying he is aware of his mechanisms and knowing that he doesn't have the capacity to do something about it, not taking on responsibility for it, he should consider at least until he will take care of it, to stop meeting women to not hurt them. I mean it's not fair to them. My exact words. I mean preaching water and drinking wine, it would get most people irritated. Actions speak louder than words. The Universe again so strong like all these days in particular so on point, not wanting to stop even for a minute these days. Anxiety splitting society.

Even the stars know...

It’s all he failed to see that HE did provide me the love. All the words don’t matter when you treat someone like this…

Arriving at the cafe half an hour early she's also already waiting. Sharing all my heartbreaking story with her in little details about these beautiful moments, how we communicated, how he treated me how all this was beautiful but how he send me mixed messages through his words and behavior. Pointing into future direction when yet warning me about his anxiety. With every minute more talking with her, I dive deeper into his side. She is telling me about her therapy and how hard it is to find a way to deal with this anxiety. How difficult to bare all these thoughts, this overthinking all the time that's causing you so much turmoil and make it impossible to decide things. This feeling of a total lack of control, trying to control everything in the outside to find some peace in the inside. Just looking at her is making me feel for her so much that I just wanna hug her and take it all away. The control I say. I figured this so much with him. He needed to stay in control over me and I think he confuses peace with control. He kept talking about peace because he seemed to fail to understand that it's quite the opposite as peace you can only find when you address the topic inside of you that is causing all this so you can finally live in peace with yourself and other people, have healthy relationships. This is interesting she says. Yes that's true. Control is not peace. Looking at her, explaining her feelings and how draining they are and how little you can do about them gives me a sense of what it must feel like for him as well. A big wave of understanding and compassion for him comes over me. I almost wanna cry. I feel like I have not understood the seriousness of it all. I feel like I just wanna go to hug him and say sorry. But obviously I know he does not wanna see me again.

My whole perspective has totally turned around and shifted to his side and his struggles. Finding this empathy and compassion for him, all these feelings that were tearing him inside, giving me peace in my heart that he didn't play anything. That I wasn't mistaken about him, that he did like me and he tried. Only he couldn't. Like my dad says if we are honest we are always hoping that we could be the one that the person would change for. Just this tiny little bit of hope. First I wanna disagree but then I agree, feeling it inside. Like the time when he said he would hurt me and all on a sudden I knew it would be true. Because I cannot not feel a connection. Yes. It's true. This stupid hope that always gets disappointed, making me feel like I'm never the one worthy enough fighting for or even keeping me in their life as a person.

Walking out of the conversation with her I feel I just want to apologize to him for my insensitivity. Want to let him know how I feel about it being so harsh in the morning. With this new clarity and peace I am already on my second date from the night before.

Had I managed to get myself overly drunk and find a person who would hold me in it. Be strong enough to just let me be and listen and let me cry and let me drink and smoke and care without knowing me. The Universe is funny like this as he conveys to me so many things in a similar way that he did the weeks before and yet I obviously cannot connect. Sending me messages the next morning when I barely remember anything from the night before except for him driving me home, encouraging me, asking for my wellbeing. I want you to be good with yourself and shine. You were very hard on yourself last night. Words that usually get to my heart. Only now it's too early. He is asking me when we meet again and just like before he offers the same day. He is asking me if I wanna see a Georgian man cooking, offering me all kinds of vegetarian options, telling me that he already has a sparkling wine cold and some beers for the hangover. I guess it's what I need. Why say no to such an offer? The Universe seems to mean well to heal exactly what was hurt in me. Having him cooking when the other one wouldn't let me do it for him.

He sends me his location and I'm on my way in the taxi to see him. Despite having told me that he wants to cook together with me, he orders me to sit down and have my sparkles instead. After all he's the host and I gladly accept as I feel so drained and tired and hungover and full of emotions. Usually I am the one in the kitchen I say. Happily. Making the salad. Just today I enjoy watching as well. It's just exactly what I need. Holding my head up we have such similar topics. He has this sort of street smartness and intelligence and depths with a hint of yolo. Easy to get along with, easy to talk to, strong in attitude and character. Easy to be myself around as he can hold all of it. A person who directly wants to build a connection and does so. Making salad, veggies and Chvishtari, showing me how to make the dough I feel just relaxed and easy.

Finally sitting at this delicious table, hearing Sia from the TV my appetite returns. Diving into the salad, stuffing Chvishtari into my mouth he is happy. Girl, Gogo, you need to eat more. Also the night before he finally buys me a falafel at the bar before I sink under the table from all the alcohol. I'm glad. You make me eat it's good I say. My appetite will slowly return. Do you remember what I asked you last night in the car? He is looking at me evilish. Oh shit. Probably the tenths question about the night before that I don't know how to answer as I cannot remember. Nothing of the conversations I remember. I'm looking at him. Wild guessing. No I don't. I asked you if I could kiss you. I'm laughing. Of course you did. Like all the other ones did. I look at him ok. So do you know what your answer was? I negate again. No idea. Probably something I reply all the time to get out of the situation. You asked me why. Oh lovely. I like myself. Good girl. Exactly what he says too. 

I look at him. Well obviously. I tell you it's not like everything just disappears in a day. We have the same conversation that I had with hiM. About the attraction and how to act. How to say honestly what's on our minds instead of playing games of saying something the other person wants to hear. We're on the same page. Yet a little bit too strong on, it's hard for me to manage my emotions. Everything so fast so overwhelming the last two days. Full with all these people and conversations and love and connection and turmoil. I just want a break. Or not. When I leave with him it also reminds me of the last situation. Two taxis one goes left, other goes right. Only this guy seems to be committed too. Tell me when you get home ჩემი გოგო. He knows. He is sending hearts and kisses. He says all the things to me that encourage my all (well)being. It's all I could wish for if I wasn't reminded of someone else. No space for other connections at the moment. It's been too much. And yet it's also what I apparently needed.