Control is NOT Peace

 

Three glasses of sparkles bringing out some insights. Not at last because of her. Boundaries. Control. You have to set boundaries from the very beginning so the guy knows what he is allowed to do or not. My downfall. I never do. I don't feel like I need to and yet this is every time what ends it. 

It reminds me of my ex-bf when I was so young. I always asked myself later why I even was with him when in the beginning I did not feel this extra special great connection. Like it was with him. When I was actually the one keeping him at a distance because I did not have a big boom moment. When this happens especially the ones having anxiety issues try to do whatever it takes to get in control. And this is what he did. He wanted me there. He treated me in a way that I felt that. That I felt wanted, seen, appreciated. Understood and cared for. More than one time I was the one who wanted to leave and he asked me to stay.

When he got enough security of me being there, wanting to be there, not going away anymore, coming over whenever he asked... this is when he also felt safe enough and in control that now his anxiety could kick in and he had the power to be the ruler over distance and closeness as he knew now I liked him enough to stay. He was in complete power over having me near or pushing me away. And this is what he did. 

As soon as I also felt a connection due to his irresistible intelligence, intellect, empathy and care, he was hooked. Hooked to his power to now be able to be the one to decide how this thing will go. And again that's what he did. Simple. Obvious. Maybe I would have not even started to feel a connection, started to like him in that way but he made sure to do everything he could to make me like him. And I did. I thought this was truly him. Someone who saw me, someone who tried to build a connection with me. All his interest in me, his curiosity  made me feel like this was what he wanted. I fell for him. Felt for him. I thought I felt safety. I thought I felt seen or appreciated or loved and cared for when in reality this was a simple protection mechanism to stay in control. To not lose power over the situation. It worked. The very classical dynamics of avoidant attachment. Staying in control, thinking it meant peace.

When it came to the point that he decided to let me go, he did not involve me. He just made the decision over me. He did not prepare me. He did not sit down and asked how I feel about it and what we could do in that situation as a balanced communication would have offered. As he said before the world would be a different place if women were in control and yet he doesn't see that he is one of the people who does not let them. He is one of them who takes on the control himself instead of working on eye level, including the woman. Not consciously but it's the simple dynamics that arise due to his self build identity that he is protecting so much instead of giving opportunity to the thought that he might be mistaken about himself.

PEACE he said all the time. Peace is what he thought he needs or that he was creating when in opposite it's control. Control that feels like peace to him because it brings safety and calmness over the situation. Comfort when he stays in control. He is in control he feels at peace. And yet this control means to live in denial of your feelings, controlling them, pushing them away etc... Like Alan Watts said... The mystic is the one who feels. So in his self made anxiety he is creating his own misery, stepping into it over and over again, taking over control to sabotage something that may have actually brought him peace.

How many times have I ask him to just chill... To just be. To not expect anything, to just enjoy that two human beings have found a connection? And why couldn't he? Why did he decide to harm everyone involved and take a wonderful human being from me and himself?

No one was wrong. No one was right. We just came back to a big illusion. Der Sekt ist gut. Der macht dich sehr klug. Sagt sie. Und so fühle ich mich auch. Als hätte sich das Geheimnis gelüftet. Schade, dass ich es wieder einmal nicht wert war für jemanden, zu bleiben. To keep me. To be with me.

And I look at my phone and she says: Loving you for who you are, for you. 💓

When I was listening to your message, it sounded like my exboyfriend.

Like even them saying the same words, sentences… also with anxiety, making it.. its so crazy! Contradicting behaviour, making steps forward and doing all the things but then the impossibility to handle care. Being in shame with themselves.. OH LINA! Thats so crazy.

You know what, I’m glad he communicated from the beginning, for me it was just later on because he wanted to protect me.. of course I don’t want you to be in pain and heartbreak, but you really deserve person who can be there for you, let you to let care of him…

I hope you are confident with your decision. You don’t need to be happy about it but at least confident. That you excluded me from the process and just decided to sort me out. And if you’re not, maybe it’s time to step up your game and give the power back to women instead of using yours against them.

Aren’t you ready to crawl out of your self made prison and find new meanings? Ah Oh no Sorry 😂 NOT READY. Definitely not ready.