Anxiety disconnecting Society
Red flag. Freshly cooked meal from a woman. The universal sign of love and care from a woman. My lovely oldest friend, reflecting back to me what she feels. Lina honestly it’s not ironic. Please write this down. Look I am your friend so I will not protect him like you do. From my side I can see a lot of things that he didn’t do right. To me it seems he’s blowing things out of proportion. He's giving you the key to his flat, inviting you over, wanting you over when he’s coming home and then you cook him a warm meal and he’s sending you away? To me it didn’t seem like he wanted to end it with you. It sounded more like he wants to open his heart. She’s reflecting exactly what I feel. I tell her about the food that I wanted to bring him for lunch and how he rejected me. I tell her how I could see right through it even before, considering all the possible outcomes. If this had been an earlier version of me I would have protected him. But it isn’t my job anymore. I stood up for who I am, showing my heart. Knowing his anxiety I knew it could trigger him. I knew how in his world a large illusion might be created how I start cooking for him in the morning just so he would have something to eat, how I then would cross half the city to bring it to him to work. What a large bubble of fear it could create me doing these “efforts” for him. Deliberately other than I would have done some years before not taking all this imagination away from him but simply I ask him if I could drop something off at his workplace. And his reaction comes as promptly as expected. Rejection. Not only for my food but for me. That the reality is that I cook for myself and it would have just been convenient to drop it off on my way to Georgian class is a way smaller deal than all he’s created around it. Building a reason to let me go. Just another person who doesn’t choose me.
In every fiber of his body I could feel his sensations for me, see it in his eyes, his face, his whole body. Fighting against it. Not letting the feelings flow as they wanted. Red hearts in his messages, in his eyes when he saw me. Or maybe he just fooled me very well as I already know it all too well. Everything just becomes blurry. The way he treated me, communicated with me the largest red flags for a person who’s scared of commitment and yet I tried to stay. I try to embrace the beauty of what the universe has given me instead of rejecting it. Refusing the gift. I would have not let him go unless there was a reason for me to cut it off. He in opposite ended it as a precaution before anything else could possibly happen. He was my anchor and happy place. But I apparently wasn’t his. Why? Is what everyone is asking and I don’t have an answer. Why is it that he lets you go without even turning back? I do not know. What do your friends say about it? What shall they say… all the same. There was no problem… it was only created in his mind and I wasn’t reason enough to change it.
Lying on the couch. Tears streaming down my face. Unknown tears, yet expected. They’ve been announcing themselves for days. For all the days. Tears of hurt. And yet not of sorrow or bitterness. No tears of hate, disappointment or frustration. No tears of revenge or anger or disgust. These tears are new tears. Unknown tears. Unexpected tears. Expected unexpected. Tears of tragedy. Tears of love for someone who loved me and yet couldn't at the same time. Everything at the same time. Time. The longest time. Punctually for the longest day of the year to suffer.
Timing. As if the Universe was listening it is sending me love from all directions. My phone ringing again and again as if everyone feels that I need support. Right here, right now. Starting already at night by bringing back an old well known person. A friend who had also become one of my sorrows of three years before. One of the Ds. Of all the Georgian Ds who have taken from my heart. And yet years have passed and he offers to meet. Again. Like some days before. I tell him I'm heartbroken. I tell him I'm crying to give him the choice to stay away. He doesn't. I would be glad to meet you being sad or happy! I would be glad if I can help you feel a bit better! Let's meet whenever you feel ready to. I hope we can get well together. I’m open to be your friend. And you can always ask me about anything. I can support you. The Universe again very attentive in sending me the necessary support. A person I already know. No one new I have to open up to. Someone that I can just be with. I remember when we first met in Albania and how impressed he was with me. Maybe a shoulder to lean on if even only for a day. To hold my pain.
Interrupting my flow of tears a long missed call from down under is making me smile, even laugh like some others today if even for just a moment before the tears start crashing down again like a large waterfall that never seems to end. An endless river of pain and loss. Seeing her beautiful face on this all too emotional day, filling my heart with warmth. Reminiscing about our time in India together, ringing back feelings of connection, joy and happiness. Not at last being able to share all that's in my heart with her, feeling for me, knowing my story, becoming sad for my loss. And his. My dad, himself sharing his life wisdom. This will hurt now for some time. The only thing that's helping now is being good to yourself. Self-care. Then slowly the pain will fade. We cannot hold anyone who wants to go... Letting go and keeping it in your heart. All the words brought to me, starting to heal little parts of me. Reconnecting me, filling the parts of me that are empty from my loss. My Georgian connection at heart also all with me. Full on empathetic she's holding space for me. My mom calling, it's only early afternoon. Friday. I tell her I was making food. Like her. And this is why he didn’t want me. Like all my friends she's asking if I have someone there who is holding me. Someone that I can be myself with without having to wear a mask and let my tears flow... I tell her that the biggest paradox of all is exactly that person because of whom I'm hurting is also the one I would love to have near me to share all this with. As this is exactly why I had felt so connected to him. Him Exactly and yet he's the only one I cannot share it with. Oh my Hasimausi. I'm here for you, I have an open ear for you and I will not annoy you with "everything will be alright" speeches. Feel hugged tightly and loved from me. More messages coming through. There is space in our chat, if you want. Good humor hasn't left you. I'd love to be closer to you you know. Not on the other side of the world. You're not alone in this. Love you Lina. Take care of yourself. If there is one thing that never fails, it's the universe supporting me in exactly the right moments. All my friends there, around me within the blink of an eye. Even people who don’t know me coming with love and light. Oh dear can I help you heal in some way? You are a beautiful soul. You will be fine. Treat yourself with something you love. Divine right timing, what I need to believe in right now when I need it the most. That there is something in the Universe why it happened like it had when this super human being was sent to me and taken away from me the same. There is a saying in India, Whatever happens happens for good. If something happens as per our wish, it is good but it doesn’t than don’t worry as it would god's wish and it would turn out to be great. Indians. I don't understand is what she says as when hearing our story. And neither do I.
The paradoxes of life. Too complex to see through and yet too simple. I wasn't reason enough for him to want to overcome himself and that is the truth. A person will change for the right person if he wants it enough himself. Thinking about how we were talking about things we could do together like visiting his hometown when it must have been clear to him that this would never take place. How only a week ago when I get anxious he ensures me that we will find way to hold both of our emotions. And still... He tried. We never know before just like the wise resemblance of a long missed friend was conveying it to me a week before. The thing he said about men and women. Nothing we can ever expect or predict he said. It will surprise us over and over again. In love everything is possible and always different from what we've expected. I think the two of you will be good together. I have it in my feeling. I loved your energy when you were with him. Another reminder. I was listening and my mind understood and yet my heart can only feel it today. The unexpected, unpredictable new version of pain for someone I lost who was never supposed to be mine. A connection I haven't felt before. A healthy connection on eye level with someone who gave me wings. Someone, who gave me love and courage and care. Effortlessly I could be next to him, with him, without ever feeling too much or too little. Organically, naturally. Someone who cheered me on, was genuinely happy for everyone who did me good. For everything I am, he would see through me, encourage me in ways I couldn't do myself. Feeling beyond my words, bringing out the deepest truths about myself that I couldn't face before in all my unacknowledged pain. The pain that always needed to come out but is too much to ever find enough room. He created it for me.
~* Don't go wasting your emotionLay all your love on me
But now it isn't true
Silence ever after
Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye
There is nothing we can do
Slipping through my fingers as I started feeling it two days before. Days, feeling like months of intimacy, of connection, of a bond, of comfort and ease. Every time I felt lost and irritated, he came with open arms to hold me, listen to me, soothe my anguish. A familiarity and clarity of being with someone that made me forget all my hardship. Easing my pain, listening to all my stories, my struggles and hurt, he was there to hold me and not only that but to create a safe space for all I am. In happiness and sadness, in confusion and irritation, he didn't take it on and yet we were in perfect synchronicity with everything we felt. Every time we meet in balance, in time, in space. Effortless. There is no good advise for heartbreak the wise man says, reflecting exactly how I feel. Like a lost leave in the wind. Just existing feels hard at the moment when the tears won't stop falling out of my eyes. Streaming down my face and all the world's empathy with me no one has advice for a hurting heart.
The tears of my beautiful eyes that he's been looking into only last night, knowing that it would be the last one. Beautiful eyes you cannot see in the pictures. The beauty of yours you can see when you talk, when the light is falling into them and how they change with whatever emotion you have when you talk […]. Every word he says, sinking right into me. I wish I could even remotely remember half of them. I wish I could listen to his words forever. How he's cherishing me in every aspect of my being, not getting tired of pointing out my beauty, my intelligence or sweetness. Reflecting and mirroring his appreciation at all times I won't get tired or bored of the sound of his words, his voice, resonating deep inside of me, creating a warmth, a feeling of safety. An unknown feeling of safety, not for the first time in my life but one of a few. My all being seems to need to hear all of it. A totally new experience where listening doesn't require any skill or conscious attention anymore but is the most natural expression of being with him. A safety that's yet not safe enough as it is fragile to his anxiety. His anxiety of having me near. Letting me nearer. And I know it. He knows it. And he hasn't been hiding it. From the first time we met he was nothing but honest, nothing but transparent, giving me no room for any aversion towards him. He says he would hurt me and I knew it was true. And yet exactly that also isn't true because it was not him hurting me. It was my own experience. My own existence being gifted with his - intermingling synchronically, too effortless to not want it. To want to let go. Making my heavy heart a little lighter if only for a few days.
Not knowing how we even got there. What we wanted from each other as we hadn't expected one another. Exploring he said. Exploring is what we did. Exploring something I didn't know just yet and for me it was only just the beginning. I wasn't done exploring. I wasn't finished. Not just yet. I was not. I had yet only started. So much more I wanted to explore. And yet he was done already when I was starting to care. Care that he didn't want nor need. Care that I wish he could receive even if it wasn't from me. I see his heart, I see his struggle and I know I cannot be with him. It's exactly how he said and not different. Everything was exactly true how he's conveyed it to me. Peace he wanted. Peace he cannot get with me. Peace he only wants from inside himself and no one else. A tragedy for me to feel so much appreciation, so much curiosity of wanting to explore more of this beautiful being and he wouldn't let me. Not in any dimension. As a human being, everything hurts. Everything. Not only my heart because instead of breaking it he was cautiously holding it with his softness and understanding, he was repairing it together with me if only for a short time. I could have needed more of it and yet the pain would just grow gradually with each day more I would have had him in my life, knowing he doesn't want me there. One day. That could be every day. Slowly but steadily the insecurity of it all would have eaten me alive and yet how can bliss and pleasure be so deeply intertwined with agony and pain?
How can all the emotions be felt at once? At the same time? The Mystic is the One who feels. Without denial. Everything there is to feel. I shall feel lucky about it. About all I can feel and yet in this cold world it seems so draining, so meaningless when no one is there with you to hold you in it. Yet he is more in control of his emotions. He thinks. But where do they go? Where do they flow? Holding mine like no one could before. Even overshadowing my Indian experience of madness. Making it disappear far into the background as if it had been a mere joke. That overwhelming cloud of all the hurt I have ever felt, finally dissolving into nothingness thanks to Him. Thanks to his sometimes overwhelming honesty and confrontation, bringing out of me what needed to be brought to light when even I wasn't aware of it. Moving parts and pieces inside of me. You witch he said. And yet the witch wasn't able even to hold her own fortune.
When two people are just getting to know each other and they don't have the chance to look into each other's eyes or touch one another and they still find things to say to each other, they don't run out of words, this is already a lot to bond over she says and she's right. Although we did have the possibility to look into each other's eyes we also communicated beyond that. Way beyond. The most painful about it all, there was nothing wrong about us. Not about him, not about me, not about us. And still it cannot be.
A week before I first feel the tenseness inside my chest. The intensity. His anxiety, becoming mine. My downfall and savior all at once. For all this within a week. I choose love over fear. Any time. I knew he would not. Not for me anyways. Today he's carrying my bag to the car because of it. One last kiss on the neck, a hug, sadness written all over my body and maybe also over him. I cannot feel anything anymore. I cannot hold my tears even for a second. I will always be grateful for this he whispers, holding me in his arms, one last time just before he's leaving.
Never have I understood from literature or cinema why love is not lived when both feel the same. When both create a connection so beautiful that they are rising in it, thriving from it, shining, bringing out the highest potential in one another, motivating and evoking happiness in each other. Still... There is time. And there is fear. Fear that is killing everything and yet it might have been this exact anxiety that has saved me this time from becoming heartbroken again. Having to let go of something so beautiful that I would have loved to see grow. The flower blooming more colorful than before, more brilliant and affectionate until it becomes breathtaking, strong and undeniably irresistible. Compelling for everyone to touch. And yet it seems it wasn't her time. Not just yet she wasn't there. And so he watered her for some time to then let her grow on her own again.
Outside the storm is raging for me. It is how it's ought to be. I’m empty. I don’t even wanna write anymore. All my words are lost for nothing… The stinging loneliness returning. Merciless ripping through me. My safe space gone. What have I done?
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