How to get rid of Her in less than 24 Hours

Easy. A. Or easy A. No one has ever made me wanna give up on humanity like he did. On mankind to be precise. It’s my own fault because there is no other person naïve enough giving uncountable chances to one and the same person who’s never showed anything else but interest in himself despite the bright moments where I think I feel a connection through his words, hoping this time he would actually mean them and understand them and yet… surprise but no surprise it’s always only about him and his own reasons. Whenever his selfish reason is covered he would directly disappear again. Just like yesterday.

Yesterday when he’s asking to call me after he’s read my analysis about him. He surprises me with praise and acknowledgement and a sense of me having moved something inside of him. Having seen things inside of him, he hasn’t become aware of himself. Ah he knows just all too well what I need to hear to regain hope. Everything I’m living for. He’s always been a master in it. That’s how I kept trembling, falling over and over again for his empty words and promises which will only last for however long they’re coming out of his mouth but have no further meaning as soon as the conversation is closed. 

This part that is so hard to grasp for me which is why I am over and over again opening up to them. When the one greatest lesson he doesn’t get tired of teaching me is that his words lose meaning with being said out loud. But I fail to listen. This is the one message that he’s been consistently transporting towards me for years that whatever it is he’s saying has no substance and yet I listen to all the beautiful sounds that take me away into the world I’m dreaming of where people are honest, reflected and considerate. Where words have meaning and people integrity. A world where the primary thought is what will my words activate in the other person? How will the other person feel about them? Up to this point A most likely doing the best job one could do because they exactly stir up in me everything that he needs for me to be at the exact same point like oblivious me was two years before. Foolish.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about people choosing their words wisely for your sake, not their own sake. I’m talking about true empathy, love, friendship where I care for what my words will mean to the other person with the sole intend of doing them good. Support them, hold them, care for them. Yet that is not his intention at all. Obviously as it never was. To him empathy is not even a concept he can grasp. It’s a mere intellectual idea. 

So what was I expect to happen. Like a month ago and and a year ago and all the other times before. No difference. Not even a little. He only starts reacting when I start screaming and crying. He doesn’t take me seriously. And how could he after all that I keep taking him back?

When I thought about processes not being linear I forgot that there was no process at all to see here. It’s like a carbon copy every time. It’s like he’s trying to insult me. Telling me all how great I am and full of love and how I don’t give up on people and have this special gift Blabla. The classic, he knows what to say to be in full power of the situation. Yes I will keep that in mind if I fuck it up again I am losing an entire person, not just a partner. 

If anyone knows how to make words sound sincere it’s A. That’s his gift. And yet he’s a slave to his ugly selfish behavior that he has no motivation to leave behind whatsoever. The act of service thought nothing he’s heard of. Nothing anything to do with a human connection and my language seems to have reached its limits as once again it has totally failed to get through to him. Nothing. Zero. No even a spark. The moment I hang up I look at the sky and tell the Universe to give me the punishment I deserve if it’s necessary to make the same mistake a gazillion times without ever learning that there are people much more skillful in undermining my gut instincts than my beautiful hope and trust in the world. 

He thinks it’s noble to take his time to answer me. Noble to only send a short message when I start threatening him again. Same same like a month ago. Leaving me in the dark about it when I took the effort to think about how we will find what we need in each other. In a different world it might have been considerate if he hadn’t already taken all of his sweet time over the past two years, betraying my trust and all my hope in him. Totally oblivious to the fact that I gave him the chance (unfortunately for one too many times) to start at zero again for himself and prove to me that he is serious. That he will do everything and anything to regain my trust, that he’s taking over responsibility for his actions (non-actions) and that I can rely on him. That he can be a different person, a friend. Someone who is serious about making a change. That he will make me feel safe in this relationship as I’ve put myself out there for him too many times for one person.

But nothing could be further from the truth. Instead of putting all his efforts to make me a priority, to make me feel and see that he wants this, wants me in his life it takes him no longer than 24 hours to do just as little as possible as all the other times. Nothing to be exact. Not did he take his phone to directly text me how he thought about our call and reassure me that he’s serious, taking initiative at the very least, but no!!! Of course not! Who am I to think that he would finally use his phone for connecting to me, showing me what it means for him that I have walked through the fire for him endless times never losing faith, instead of… YES! Right! NOT using his phone and disconnect from me. Remaining the sole ruler over closeness and distance, he chooses is all times favorite. Flight mode mastery. After all this is nothing personal. I should have not forgotten about his self-centered life motto. Because what else could a life motto of a self-absorbed person really be?!

So why am I hanging here in the same situation as always with him knowing nothing less than what he’s shown me all the times before still in my dream bubble where people actually put an effort. Where they overcome themselves to live something greater. But no. Not with this one. Not in this lifetime. Where I expect a person to fight, he goes into flight. Where I expected initiative, dedication and all in full power priority, he’s sitting laid back in his all same same life, going inside his head instead of into action, leaving his responsibilities behind for the others to clean up his mess.

It urges me to say that he deserves to die alone, all these ugly thoughts coming up and yet it’s been my choice at each and every moment. My idealism of wanting to see the best coming out in people even when they are lost cases and cannot even control their own words or actions, let alone reason them. It was my choice to see my ugly sides come out again through him. This was always a possibility as he never proved to be the one, bringing out the beauty in me like all the people I love. It wasn’t what he chose to do before and it’s not now. He chooses himself. Over me. That’s always been his choice, no matter what the price. Why am I even surprised?