My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

The weakness and fragility of my body that doesn't seem to want to end, making my heart also softer and more fragile again. So soft, so pure, so hurt, so warm. Tears again running out of my eyes from the moment I open them way too early in the morning just when the sun rises, shining through my window under the roof. He became very present in my body and mind again. Awake. Especially yesterday when I speak to the friend I thought I had lost some weeks before who just returned with his presence in the place we met. Here, back in Georgia. Out of nowhere. That person who it took me only one look to know that I want him as my friend. That I wanted him in my life. One year ago. He saw me, he knew as much about me as I didn't have to tell him anything. Connection. Instantly. One male person returning to my life to remind me of who I am and what I deserve. He calls. I needed to speak to him. I could have needed him so much in the last weeks. I know he would have made me smile, go to b...

  [...] Did you know that in mystic thought forty symbolizes the ascent from one level to a higher one and spiritual awakening? When we mourn, we mourn for forty days. When a baby is born, it takes forty days for him to get ready to start life on earth. And when we are in love we need to wait forty days to be sur of our feelings. [...] - THE FOURTY RULES OF LOVE Hopefully I'll not be forty days sick in bed then. My eyes are heavy, it's day three and I still feel weak, drained, tired and exhausted. My body hardly able to move between the bed and the bathroom. My feet heavily walking each of the steps down from the attic to the bottom as if I was climbing a mountain. My body stiff and unmotivated. I was supposed to leave. That night three days ago and now... I am still here. In the city, in my bed and I wonder why. I wonder about God's plan, reading the book. I don't wanna force my body to come back to life when it's not ready and yet I feel responsibility for finally...

When one door opens...  Along with it, more gates unlock. I really loved seeing you and talking to you. And I appreciate everything you've done for me today and the days before. And I hope we get a goodbye that reflects that.  He's smart, referring to our conversation when I told him that M didn't even grand me a proper goodbye for a closure.  You really deserved a proper goodbye, another talk with him. It makes everything so much easier to find closure and everyone should have the chance to have it after a break . Everyone is agreeing to that, my friends going into their lives with a lighter heart now. Only I had to find that goodbye for myself because he built a stone wall against me. My love Lina, I think of you all the time, I'm sorry to hear that your heart is broken, But you are a very smart and wise and very beautiful girl, but not everyone can be as good as you and  they can't stand all your wisdom, my heart.  I love you very much, and I have you in my h...

  ... One person to connect the dots and bring back the Magic. With all my passion for sweets, I dive my fork into the cream cake that I bought two hours earlier for dessert… passion I imagine that I had before for things…  I can also eat it the next day I am telling myself returning back from a smooth forenoon excursion, evening out what needs to evened. It seems the energies slowly start shifting since I met her two days before. MY heart becoming a bit lighter again. A little bit. Yet my overall energy is so low that I barely feel anything. No excitement, no passion, no desire, love or any notion for that matter. It’s been some weeks that have numbed me… I go for a jog, it's already too hot to breathe properly when I make my way uphill. The sweat running down my forehead into my eyes. Too much already. I only go for a short exercise. My legs are weak, my muscles barely able to push the bar 5-10 times. I make my way down the hill, ready to shower, ready to pay my dues. I dri...

I’m wearing her shirt from Rishikesh. Self love club . Just what she reminded me of a few days before.  I would love to say that it's good to choose yourself again and again and again. It is always about choosing yourself. Now it’s kicking in. I hurt myself.  You didn’t hurt me. You never did. It was me. All along and I couldn't see it because I was soooo hurt. So much that I didn't understand I was causing it all myself. Only one night before I came with the same anxiety, the same doubts, the same agitation. You didn't push me away. You asked me to come over and share it with you. You didn't hide, you didn't get scared. You embraced it. You embraced me. In every condition. I felt it. I knew it. As soon as I was with you I felt safe, at peace, just you sitting there listening to me unconditionally gave me calmness. It was what didn't make sense of why you told me to go and then... Just yesterday  I find this mail I wrote. The same day. Before I came over to ...