The Last Fairytale
The weakness and fragility of my body that doesn't seem to want to end, making my heart also softer and more fragile again. So soft, so pure, so hurt, so warm. Tears again running out of my eyes from the moment I open them way too early in the morning just when the sun rises, shining through my window under the roof. He became very present in my body and mind again. Awake. Especially yesterday when I speak to the friend I thought I had lost some weeks before who just returned with his presence in the place we met. Here, back in Georgia. Out of nowhere. That person who it took me only one look to know that I want him as my friend. That I wanted him in my life. One year ago. He saw me, he knew as much about me as I didn't have to tell him anything. Connection. Instantly. One male person returning to my life to remind me of who I am and what I deserve.
He calls. I needed to speak to him. I could have needed him so much in the last weeks. I know he would have made me smile, go to bars with me, remind me of my intuition and worth. He's asking me how I am doing, noticing at the first word that I am sick. I tell him honestly how rough the last weeks have been and still are. How broken my heart again, how hurt from something that I really cannot understand. He sighs. I know he can feel me. He's genuinely sorry for me. He knows my heart. He's seen and heard my stories but so has M. Has not stopped anyone from A through M to put me through one and the same thing. No backbone. No loyalty, no responsibility, no integrity. Only (self)betrayal causing more of the same pains we've experienced. I tell him about it as I have so many times before last year... I find parts of M and my conversations on my phone. I ask him how it's possible. He says if you already have question marks, mine are bigger. It's this culture that these men really don't know how to handle a complex relationship... For at least this last part I don't believe it applies to M. I mean he can't just say he warned you and then start dating you. Telling you all these things, treat you like his girlfriend and then just drop you. I think he should not date at all if he is not ready for it. As long as he doesn't take responsibility to solve his issue of sabotaging closeness, love and care. Seriously considering therapy. In this I agree 1000%. This is what I've been thinking all along. What everyone from friends to family, my psychology dad are saying. I had once more divine timing from the universe I tell him. Apparently I was the first one he dated after a period of difficulty and hopefully I’ll also be the last one until he’ll have learned from it and not keep doing it. First and last date. Lucky me.
Becoming a coward in the end to protect yourself for the price of the other part suffering your pain, is a very interesting choice in the mirror of what you’ve presented me. Sending my prayers to the Universe that it taught you not to repeat this pattern and so will I try.
When we hang up he tells me that I have him back as my friend in this country. I wish he could already be near me. Soothing a bit of my pain. Guess it’ll have to wait until it’s our time.
Don't you understand that all the hurt that you are avoiding is stuck with me? Don't you understand that every little drop you left on me, when you walked away, closed the door for communication, from that second that you ended it, leaving me in the dark with no one and nothing was the moment you decided to leave all the responsibility for the bond we shared behind on me? As if it never existed, you didn't mind leaving me with the full baggage of pain, no matter how it made me suffer and go through the same notions that I had to go through a million times, possibly robbing me of my last spark of hope in mankind? Did you ever consider that? And if you have even worse, you could not find your maturity and look up to me and ask what we could do together to make it less painful as you suggested in your message, before I came to your house?
For the first time after this time reading through the messages of the days before and even the same day, I become bewildered. Not that I am not crying anyway. Only the colors of the emotions of my tears are changing with the moods and thoughts. Now these tears become tears of pure love. Of love for you. Love that I have felt and I don't care to name it. Because that's what it was. For me anyways. Every word I read, from your mail after our first date until the last message, are dripping from love and care. Every word. Each and every single word. You said you didn't communicate through actions. This obviously was an unnecessary remark because this is what we all do. But I’m sorry I put you in a position where you felt you had to defend yourself. Even if I had no feelings, wasn't involved and would ignore that every time you had free time you would ask me to come over, checking on me what I needed, bring things from the shop, see that I felt comfortable, listening initiatively and attentively to all my feelings and thoughts when I felt moved, anxious and torn like just one day before you ended it. Even if I had no ears to listen to all the beautiful words you conveyed to me, your attentiveness, the way you read me, I would see with my eyes, how you looked at me when we were together, how the expressions in your face changed when we talked about us, how we connected, how you felt about me, how I found a way to your heart that not many do. Only reading the first mail when you weren’t yet suppressing that you’re a poet, that you wrote when I did not feel any connection just yet you declared to me how rare it is for you to connect to someone in such a deep, intimate way.
Even if I had no eyes and ears, you would make sure I feel your affection in your touch. On your skin, with your hands, on my face, in your energy. Only taking the written words that you conveyed to me without any context is enough from one extract of a conversation to make one of my very critical and reflected friends say I should marry you. Telling me you would be there to hold my anxiety, to be with me and calm me and find a way to hold both of our emotions because this is what YOU wanted, coming to soothe me. Hold me in my emotions and feelings. Then from one day to another you decided differently and you claim I should have known.
Reading through the messages where at all times you were trying to make space for me because you wanted to be with me, the witch, because you wanted to be near me, a day before stating the same thing that it was beautiful what we had and that you didn't wanna render it, squander it for no reason. I’m a human being! Mio my Mio. What did you expect of my fragile human heart? What did you think this would do to me??? You claim your communication was eindeutig (zweideutig wie wir sagen), flawless, clear. That you’ve warned me. If this was clear communication then I may be blind and deaf and the rest of the world with me. You wanna tell a 36 year old woman who’s had it all too much that she misunderstood the way you behaved? That no one except for yourself seems to understand this? In my world this is called mixed messages which is quite the opposite of I was always clear. If you had communicated me that you had no interest in me that you just wanted to f… me or anything similar do you not think I would have not noticed this and left on my own? Who are you kidding clear communication? Were you not a day before talking about pictures together and things we wanted to do? Do you think you can just blame me for being oblivious to the situation? Like I should have expected that you just dumped me? I don’t think so love, no ჩემი ბიჭი… not with me no. You did not warn me. A day before you said you liked what we have… it wasn’t my mistake. I know what I felt. And that harsh cut off cannot take that away from me.
Whatever I read throws me back into how it felt being with you and why it felt safe. Why it felt real, why it felt as if I could trust you. You may think you have warned me. But you really didn't. You have warned yourself, to not get hurt but when it came to the moment of truth, you decided for your illusion and against the reality that was sitting in front of you.
Love takes its tall every time and don't work.
When a door closes, another opens
But it′s hard to let go when your hearth's broken.
I give you my trust, can you give me your word?
Come take my hearth of Glass give me your Love.
I hope you'll still be there to pick the pieces up.
Baby you′re fragile, fragile, fragile
I hope you'll still be there to pick the pieces up
Every time I cook I think about what you're missing out on. When I put on a new shirt and color my eyes I think about how you never saw my beautiful face with makeup on, when the black Kajal makes the light sparkle of my eyes come out. When I walk by the bars we used to sit I think about how it started and how much you wanted to kiss me. And then I think about that one thing that you were right about We don't know each other. Because you didn’t give us that chance. I think about all these things that you have no idea about me and my complex being. All these things I never told you about that it would just take a lifetime to figure them out no matter how great you are at reading me. That it would take time and dedication to explore a person to a point where a connection is just becoming more and more beautiful, blossoming, blooming over time. Not the opposite as you once suggested in your anxiety of losing the beauty of the beginning. Even in the beginning how you said it yourself you felt connected even through the writing.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7RsTWUJcdl/?igsh=a2h6MmhxM2J2dXVw
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7XkE-guiDs/?igsh=MWdzMWdlbmg3b2YzaQ==
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8QS0HyMO2d/?igsh=emNlaGltbXd3bzRt
I felt connected when we met the second time. When I was on the way to see you, when you explained where we meet and I had this feeling we were exactly in the same pace, coming from the same place, synchronizing our steps, to just arrive in the same moment. Algorithm you said. And I laughed at you. Magic. Introducing you to the concept of human design. I’ll never forget when I see your chart for the first time. Never have I seen anyone with exactly the same chart. What are the chances? Algorithm. It makes me giggle. You would say scary. You could probably google it and chances for such a match are as high as winning the lottery. I would say magic again. Yet you didn’t wanna win the lottery. It may have just been too much. I know these things don't happen often that you synch up with a person in that way and I learned to read signs and appreciate these rare human connections as they come. I don't easily throw them away because I know how precious they are. And I love the Universe and treasure each one of these connections, cherishing them as much as I can. It wasn't me wanting too much. It was you not appreciating what we had. But... Also you did see some parts of me and you chose against them... I don’t limit myself or depress myself with this. HariOm 🕉️ and Namastē 🙏🏻And you probably believe this yourself pushing love off you because you think there’s something you need to be ready for when in reality love will come find you and when it finds you, you’ll be ready for it.
It's time to let you go. Go wherever you want to be. Find whatever it is you’re looking for. Most importantly without me in your life no matter at what cost. I don't care how long it will take until my tears cease to flow. I don't care how much time my heart needs to go through all these feelings again. I don't care if I once more have to carry the love and hurt for two instead of one person because one is running away from them. I don't care how much it will take, I don't care how hard, how painful, how desperate, how draining, how tiring, how terrible the feelings. I will stay with it for however long it lasts. I will not betray myself and what I felt. I will not hide away from my heart. I will not turn my back on love. I refuse to let everyone use me for their own satisfaction until I don't serve anymore. I refuse to let myself believe that I don't deserve a happy ending, that I didn't deserve a clearing talk, a conversation where I could have some questions answered that could have made my heart a little lighter. I deserved all of the things that you denied me because it made things easier for yourself. To forget me and all I am. I will be me. I deserve to be me. What I feel is real. At all times. Before you were never tired of telling me this until... it didn't serve you anymore. Like everyone walking away when things become uncomfortable. You will start loving when you choose love. Until then… მე ვარ ჩემი გოგო და შენი გოგო…
I’m sorry for overwhelming you in your most sensitive spot. I’m sorry I hurt you. I wanna thank you for all that you were for me. That you gave to me. You are a an extra special wonderful human being. I hope our encounter changed something inside of you. I hope it made your life richer and your heart purer and fuller, your mind more inspired and your soul more at ease although it wasn't enough. Not now.
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