Self Love Club

I’m wearing her shirt from Rishikesh. Self love club. Just what she reminded me of a few days before. 

I would love to say that it's good to choose yourself again and again and again. It is always about choosing yourself.

Now it’s kicking in. I hurt myself. You didn’t hurt me. You never did. It was me. All along and I couldn't see it because I was soooo hurt. So much that I didn't understand I was causing it all myself. Only one night before I came with the same anxiety, the same doubts, the same agitation. You didn't push me away. You asked me to come over and share it with you. You didn't hide, you didn't get scared. You embraced it. You embraced me. In every condition. I felt it. I knew it. As soon as I was with you I felt safe, at peace, just you sitting there listening to me unconditionally gave me calmness.

It was what didn't make sense of why you told me to go and then... Just yesterday I find this mail I wrote. The same day. Before I came over to your place... I’m in shock. I read the words and I cannot believe I wrote them. I cannot believe this is what I threw at you. I cannot grasp that I put my emotions so strongly out there. All on a sudden my whole body, mind and soul are aching. It's like I'm reading the words of someone else. Shock. Bewilderment. 

I fly over the mail and I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Like I didn't recognize myself, my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts and actions. While I read through every word, my chest is getting tighter. I'm overwhelmed by my own expressions of disappointment, irritation and hurt. MY HURT. Everything inside of me is turning upside down. Turning his wish of not bringing him anything to work into a rejection of my whole being. Going into my loneliness. Even telling him that he is slipping through my fingers. Telling him that I already have become too much for him when he has never given me that feeling when we were together. This is all me. My old hurt, my anxiety of being too much for him. Seeing his life, how fulfilled and beautiful. Why would he need me? Telling me before that he didn't need my friendship, all my insecurities kicking in. Me losing this wonderful human being who has been nothing but good to me. This is me pushing him away, claiming I don't have space in his world. That he doesn't need me.

Understandably from my background, from all my past experiences this is all I know. It's my defense mechanism, already preparing myself that he will let me go. Self fulfilling prophecy. Starting to create my own down fall when he at point gave me the feeling he would let me fall. Not for a good reason anyways. It was my old pattern, trying to prove to myself that I am too much for everyone and that no one cared to keep me in their life. It worked. I got my confirmation.

Him being honest and transparent, so much since the first day we met, giving me the perfect pattern for me to think he will push me away anyway. Avoidant attachment. Why not rather do it myself first. Same strategy that he has, I used. Only he hadn't acted on it before. He was there for me. He's warned me about his patterns, insecurities and fear of hurting me. He has warned me all the time, only he didn't act on it. He was so conscious about them that he tried to protect me at all times. Even on that day. Even on that day he got back to me after this overly emotional mail, inviting me back into his place and asked to find a way to talk about it to make it less painful for both of us. 

Even at this point I am so irritated and scared that I wanna refuse, I wanna make sure I am in control, I can show him that he cannot just reject me. And so the situation turns. I try to do what his pattern would do and become my own self fulfilling prophecy. At this point there is no way he could go along with it, me triggering everything I can on his side, overwhelming him with unnecessary hurt that is coming from inside of me. It's not his responsibility. At this point I show him that he is hurting me and I even believe it myself when at least the night before I was able to separate my own anxious emotions from him, only giving me the space to get them out of me.

The night before I was able to see and communicate that it was a beautiful thing that I felt safe enough to finally feel my hurt and my fear with him, knowing that it wasn't him hurting me at all but in opposite. He was the safe space where I could show it without him judging me for it. And yet when he triggers this exact same pain the next day, that pain of being rejected, feeling too much, unwanted... I become blind. I snap. I hurt and hurt and hurt and I think he is to blame.

At this point idealizing him would be a less painful option for my future because this picture would eventually with distance fall apart. The picture I draw of him now, is only becoming more beautiful by the day. Putting the puzzle pieces together how I perceive our time and the ending now it feels like everything has become integrated except for a last goodbye I was wishing for. It makes sense. It's round. There was no change in character in him, not until the last day. There were no false promises or indicators. He was him, he liked me as I am and he did until the last day and this is exactly how he treated me. With a pure heart and no intend to hurt me. He may bring this gift of honesty and transparency, knowing his own demons that in his reflection other people's hurts and pains come to the surface. Hurt is created but it is not his. It was mine.

Our dynamics doing neither of us a favor. Getting to know each other, he is trying to communicate every little detail that's coming to his mind that could cause any sort of misunderstanding or HURT which will naturally occur in any relationship but he tried to avoid it at all costs, causing me to panic. This is what he introduced himself with to me. Promising me from day one that he would hurt me. Because this is what he would believe of himself. Presenting to me before anything could even evolve that he would go away from me, reject me, triggering my biggest pain. Never being enough or being too much for a person to ever stay with me. With this onset we were bound to break. Sooner or later. Each of us reflecting their best what we knew about ourselves and yet creating the exact vicious circle because of it.

Never feeling uneasy when I was with him. Always I felt safe, cared for, appreciated, seen and held in space for who I was. For everything I was. This is what made me trust him and feel a deep sense of happiness around him. And yet... When I could not be in his energy, when we were physically apart, my anxiety started kicking in. I couldn't feel anymore if he was really there for me. If he would write me again or if this would be the time where he has decided to let me go. I couldn't hear his words, see him looking at me, feel him caring for me. I only knew what he said and how stable his life was and how unstable mine. I knew that he would need me less than I needed him and my anxiety of knowing I could lose him every day became an unspoken self fulfilling prophecy. I was sabotaging to my fears and he was according to his. We were mutually dependent on each others behavior and although we tried to do our best for the other person to hold space, there comes a point where it's not enough anymore. 

When I tried to soothe him when his anxieties kicked in, telling him that he can relax, that there is nothing wrong with us, nothing to worry about, that it's a beautiful thing we have if we don't sabotage it; he would do the same when I started walking up and down his flat, feeling nothing but a fear of losing him, knowing that I liked what we have. He would directly message me, telling me he was there, we would find a solution, saying we would be able to hold both our fears. We did what we could for each other and still when it was time, when I needed to express my emotions of care and needing to be cared for in an overwhelming way, it became too much. Not only for him. Reading this now I would have not done myself a favor living in this fear of him dismissing me every day. Knowing that he actually is creating this for himself and it is not a reality. Seeing him pushing through every time, seeing how he was working for me, to protect me I know he is capable of anything. And especially of a very selfless deep love for someone when the time comes. Such a pure, sacred soul who has so much unconditional care for others how it's very hard to find in this world. In his mirror I see myself selfish. Arrogant and self centered. I still did what I could.

I go for a run... I hear Sia... Of course...

I don't want to hold your gaze
I'm scared what I might see there
Found myself in this place
And I'm a burning fire

Oh, peace may come

I hope it won't take long

Just a faith I cannot see, oh

bring me home

I'm in here all along

Just me and my melody

So, free me

Oh, free me

From this pain I've been running from

I'm tired and I'm free falling

Free me

Oh, free me

From this shame I've been running from

I'm lost and I am calling you

One foot in front of the other, babe

One breath leads to another, yeah

Just keep moving, oh

Look within for the strength today

Listen out for the voice to say

Just keep moving, oh

Go, go, go

Figure it out, figure it out, but don't stop moving

Go, go, go

Figure it out, figure it out, you can do this

So my love, keep on running

You gotta get through the day, yeah

There my love, keep on running

Gotta keep those tears at bay, oh

Oh, my love, don't stop burning

Gotta send them up in flames

In flames

Don't stop, tomorrow's another day

Don't stop, tomorrow you'll feel no pain

Just keep moving, oh

Don't stop the past'll trip you up

You know, right now's gotta be enough

Just keep moving, oh

Hi. It was nice to meet you too. I'm surprised by the letter. It was sweet. Yes, of course I'd like to keep in touch with you. I'm going to miss your routine, getting up early, doing yoga for 2 hours :).  Even though we haven't talked much, I've gotten used to you and your singing. You have a nice voice by the way

On Point always. Tears are running down my face while I run up the street. It hurts it hurts it hurts and it's my own. I'm talking to my girls. I need feedback. But really I don't. I've already become full of shame for myself. And they come around to confirm my truth yet bringing the softness and balance I need. 

I see a super hurt woman, who has found someone in her life who really matters to her and that she wants to spend time with and take care of each other. I read a lot of pain what the rejection did with you. The rejection of the food is a representation for so many things, rejection of a friendship, love, being together, shared talks. All this was being transported to you through the rejection of your food and you are just deeply disappointed and sad because you thought this person would act differently, wouldn't let you down and alone. And at the same time you know that exactly this could be also extremely overwhelming for him. You are a person who is confronting herself with the problems and tries to find solutions and is fighting for friendship, connection and relationships. 

I think it is extremely courageous to send such an emotional writing to a person and share your deepest feelings with them. It takes a lot of courage and I admire you for that! 

Sweet sweet words for a person who thought that this was after all that happened.... But....

My oldest. Always on my side. NO LINA no there is nothing to be ashamed of, you simply expressed what you were feeling and he couldn't deal with it. Yeah right but who really could?? 

On the other hand she's always most honest, even when truth is harsh. So she truly believes it. I only expressed.... Ah no. I feel overwhelmed so why shouldn't the hurt I create myself overwhelm exactly that person who is most scared of feelings. I have no excuse. Only I know I learn and grow from it is my only solace. S-O-L-A-C-E. A word I will never forget thanks to him and that I now will always have to smile about when I think of how it all started. With the two writers. First came his letter, now I cannot stop writing about it.

OH Love I would just love to hug you right now and be with you right now. I know it's hard, I know it's a lot, I know embracing these things is so hard sometimes, always. After all of this ... first you were all like why why why did this happen and now you see that it's both people you know, the fault is never only on one side. You acted the best you could, maybe this was a key thing for you to understand and this is why he came into your life and I know this won't make it easier but just don't take it as your fault. It's always about two people in a relationship. Even if this didn't happen, another situation would have happened. I think it's a big learning. Thank you for sharing this it helped me too so we can learn and grow together. This must be so hard. I can't imagine. But you have so much courage to admit all that to yourself and stand in front of yourself and tell yourself that this is something you want to work on. I find this so brave of you. I would just love to sit next to you right now.... Any time you need I'm just here.

She makes it so much easier for me. Everyone does. All these kind words, all this empathy, this support and understanding. It does soothe my heart. Pain is becoming less and yet I have an overwhelming sadness for having to let a person go who I felt so comfortable with, so safe and happy when we shared our time. Such a connection I find precious and rare and I hate to let go. Especially for maybe the first time in my life I feel I just fucked it up. Just fucked it up. 😂 There's enough to laugh about if I wasn't so sad about it. If I didn't miss our talks so much. Our being together, him listening to me. His interest and curiosity in getting to know me. The true me, the real me, all of me. Letting go is hard and I wish I just had been given the chance for one last goodbye. To hug him, to hold him, to feel his chest on mine, knowing it will be the last time to feel him like this and let him go in peace… maybe have a laugh, make things light. Like he’d just contact me and say come on let’s go eat. You’re invited or you can invite me :). Courage courage courage. Everyone thinks I am so courageous because I share my emotions when I'm really just selfish. Even he told me this before we even met for the first time. Courageous he said. He saw me... And still. I didn't overcome myself. He did. He was courageous enough to try to get to know me. And yet there is no right or wrong. Everyone was doing their best. But life is not always our choice. When we get what we may not want but what we may need... Learning to forgive myself. Learning to love myself even in this times. To not be so hard on myself. Hardest part.