Reverse Forward

 

... One person to connect the dots and bring back the Magic.

With all my passion for sweets, I dive my fork into the cream cake that I bought two hours earlier for dessert… passion I imagine that I had before for things… I can also eat it the next day I am telling myself returning back from a smooth forenoon excursion, evening out what needs to evened. It seems the energies slowly start shifting since I met her two days before. MY heart becoming a bit lighter again. A little bit. Yet my overall energy is so low that I barely feel anything. No excitement, no passion, no desire, love or any notion for that matter. It’s been some weeks that have numbed me…

I go for a jog, it's already too hot to breathe properly when I make my way uphill. The sweat running down my forehead into my eyes. Too much already. I only go for a short exercise. My legs are weak, my muscles barely able to push the bar 5-10 times. I make my way down the hill, ready to shower, ready to pay my dues. I drink the rest of my coffee, take a bottle of lemon water and get going. A banana and four churchkhela. The usual. The lady is smiling at me, handing me the knife. I enter the Metro station, smoothly through the check in, no people around, strange, walking down the escalator, the train arrives, I go in, I get out, the next train arrives, I get a seat. Unusual quietness. Maybe it's me. No rush, no pressure. I feel at ease although my body is hating the heat. 

Getting out of the Metro for the second or third time today it's getting black in front of my eyes. Sweat on my forehead, heat, then goosebumps on my arms. If it wasn't for the money, I would have just rested. Oh wait. I decide not to take the last class. I will just pay and leave. Some last chat with my teacher, farewell. Lina is leaving us. I pay, I leave, I feel light and free when my fellow class mate walks into me. She is looking at me with curiosity. You inspired me I say to her. She smiles and says she will leave too. Let's exchange contacts and whenever you wan,t come to Kakheti since you will be nearby. I smile. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I made a decision. The way back smoother even than the way to University. Everyone moving out my way, enough air, enough space, I'm low and calm. Happy even. I receive a messages for later on today and the day after. Moving in for four days. Better than nothing, perfect timing. I will also pay my dues there and be off.

Two tomatoes, a cucumber, cilantro, an onion and a zucchini. Just enough for the last day. AND the cake. The door is open. For me. Of course it is. It all started with her. She is texting. Love do you wanna meet for ice cream tomorrow? Asking me. The queen of ice cream and an exception for her. Lovely. Today ice crime with my soul sister, tomorrow ice cream at my favorite with the one magic encounter I needed to get moving, to transcend.  Is what she says before we part in the mountains, leaving me her painting. Anicca. I smile. We will meet again. Two days later already. She brought back all of my learnings from the far East. From the silent time, from the yogic lifestyle, from the country where I felt at peace for the longest time, happy and calm, missing nothing before... I return and get my heart broken again. When I knew I wanted nothing to do with this. She reminds me of my peace. The kindness and compassion. The Bhagavad Gita. She brings it all back. She is a mere reflection of everything I want to live. And that I did live. The Bhagavad Git. Now it's time to read.

She's connecting my past with the now, reminding me of where I wanted to go, where I came from, coming with the same exact dream. I cannot believe there is someone else here in the real world who had the same vision like me. About this community and the yogic lifestyle, living together in love. I smile while we walk down the mountain. It's exactly the same for me. Her path like mine, I cannot believe how similar we are, we think, we grew, we see the world, how we are connected in it and how we find each other just exactly in the right moment. One person I said, that's all it takes. It just takes one person to get the energies moving and circulating again and that was her. Reminding me of how to handle our own emotions and feelings. How everything is a choice, giving me the respective contacts, the exact information I need for a new beginning. Everything is coming together in only one day. Many new doors opening. The one furthest I already picked for the next weeks. Leaving the city behind, the flat, the sadness, everything especially that reminds me of him.

Slowly he's been moving into the background into a distance and the pain has become subtle, low, quiet. It's become a deep sadness and grief for having lost a person who chose not to be in my life and who did not want me in his life either. A person who made a very clear cut from one moment to the next without considering my feelings in this. Knowing my situation. Knowing that I am alone, lost at this point in this place, in need of a friend. Of someone who would care. He did not. He did not consider when the time was up, when things became difficult to take me into the equation. That's what I understand today. He made the decision, he didn't involve me, he didn't ask what I was thinking or feeling about it, how I would handle it. He pushed me out the same night where I made a fool out of myself for the first time wanting to stay longer, receiving a degrading response, telling me that I was drunk and aggressive instead of realizing what he was doing to me. Tragic and embarrassing.

And even when I express two more times later that I would like to have a last good bye, only a talk, a hug; he doesn't so much care as to reject and ignore it. That's the truth. That's the reality. All the things I tried to understand before, how I thought he wanted to protect me, slowly crumbling in the mirror of reality. Maybe he wanted to protect himself my dad says. When my dad starts protecting me, I know he means it. I know he is honest, he feels the need for me to understand that it's not me. He needs me to fully understand this. Because this person didn't include me. It was about his wellbeing and what he wanted and how he wanted to end it. Quick and without strings attached so he could forget as quick as possible that I existed and not feel anything about me anymore, like A. Cut me out like an ugly skin irritation he just wanted to get rid of as fast as possible. What I would have to go through because of his choice over me, does not matter to him. That I may have needed a different ending, was not important, was not even up for discussion, not even considered. He dropped me in the middle of the night and left me alone in my pain and loneliness.

She comes as a reminder of all I am and all I want, a messenger. Just like my oldest, bestest who has been going through the exact same thing at the same time. Not only her. It seems the Universe has put us all in the same shoes to help and support each other out of the loneliness. Only... in both of my girl's cases, they are meeting with them, in these exact days they are winning back their crown. Both of them. After weeks of crying and analyzing, shaken up heartbreak in the darkness, our feeling of never becoming happy again, lost and without understanding, not to trust or feel again, being totally numb, drained and done with the world, they get their well deserved ending. From the deepest hole she arises, when K allows them to meet again. Not even only allow but suggests it himself. When both can look each other in the eyes, two grown up people who once found connection in each other, ending it as it started. On eye level. Having the chance to express how they felt about each other, opening the doors for a future friendship and most of all, giving her her peace back. Her crown. She is so happy afterwards, calm and reconnected with herself. It worked. A even being given the opportunity to decide when and how. Having her control back. Just like I thought I would have liked to connect again with him but of course he chose the easy way out. For Him. Only for him. As I even told him the same night. He didn't care to go through the motions that may have helped me to close the chapter. He left me alone with it. The two boys, years younger than him back with my lovely friends, even understood not to do that. I had to get my crown back too. On my own, without him helping me overcome the pain and pay me the last respect of meeting me to talk for another time. Understanding that he did have a choice but didn't decide for me to heal but taking it all for himself, following his protection mechanism. Not for me. Also not for me to find a way to let go of it. He just wanted it done. Finished. Over and out.

Going to the same dating spot of our second meeting, only before the weekend I can see the irony of the Universe again. Trying to distract myself, everything will be a reminder. A reminder for a reason. After a bottle of wine, we change scenery. Do you mind if a friend of me is joining us? He is asking. Do I mind? I am so happy for it. It was one of the things I would have liked too from Him some weeks before. Not only that we're now entering the same bar like our second date. Chugging down what feels like ten beers, the night ends late after 1 and the hug reminds of some weeks before. He likes me. He feels the same connected through the hug. I leave to the mountains, I am being reminded of my hurt and sadness. I am being reminded that this is the time to transform and transcend and to feel whatever I feel to make sure I don't create more pain for myself or others. 

I decide it's better to be honest to myself. I tell him it would be better if we didn't meet again as we had the same topics and he would much more like to become closer to me than I can come to anyone in this period of time. I tell him I don't want to create pressure expectations and most of all I don't wanna do to him what he did to me. No more Karma. No more what goes around comes around. The universe hears me and rewards me with the only reward I know how to appreciate. Receiving the answer that I wanted from M for so long. I wouldn't want to put you under unnecessary pressure, and I understand the situation you might be in. But in case you want a shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen to you, do let me know. I've lived abroad and I know it can get lonely. Yes. It can. And M knew that too, having gone through the same experience and yet... He still did not care to keep me from it. Maybe he should have kept his ჩემი გოგო and babygirl to himself. You won! You won on all levels and with all your own tools.

I tell him I only want to meet again if it's also what he wants. I don't want to use him as a sidekick or anything. He wants to meet. Second date at the first date spot. I like it. It's his suggestion again, as if the Universe was literally turning the exact story around. 

The messenger full of hearts from the girls. From the ones who have changed everything for me. Who are eager to meet. For the first time I don't feel alone when I let go and they come to me, offering the exact things at the exact time when I need them. For the first time in a long time I feel the Universe synchronizing around me again like it used to. 

I pack all my backpacks. I can leave the rest with her she says. My mom calls, I tell her I leave. I will do my own thing. She doesn't oppose. She knows it's better for me to leave the city. Everyone knows. It's what he wanted as well. Wanted me to leave. And now I finally go, with the right support and motivation.