LIMBO

 Not having written in months I feel blank. No urge to put anything on 'paper'. Empty space everywhere I look. 

The rush of the last weeks slowly ebbing away. As fast as the wave came over me the same fast it was crashing down on me. Without even having the time to process what was coming over me. Like a dream. Coming at night and leaving in the morning. As if it didn't happen. The same manipulation I know so well, the gaslighting, the evidence of trauma reappearing as protection mechanisms to stay in power, control, use people for their own purposes. Using me. Gaslighting me. Taking all my good, my dedication and care for his own good.

A jungle of red flags, waving right at me from the first time we meet. From the first time we start getting into arguments, discussions. I feel a deep sense of truth, of clarity. I know this feeling. He's not listening, he's twisting all of my words, making everything coming out of my mouth about himself. I am not allowed to speak my truth. How I feel. What I think. It's taken right from me when I speak. I feel there is no space for my existence. No right for me to be there when I don't comply. When I don't say what he wants to hear.

Still I stay. It's a new person. I give it a chance. As I do always. I try to grasp his reality of things. I do and keep my distance, not to get attached. This is the only smart thing I know to do. Finally. Not to take his truth and excuse his disrespectful behavior towards mine. Understanding someone else's truth and have empathy for it is one thing. Taking it on and forgetting myself over it another. 

I find so much empathy for his background and still for some time I overlook his victim mentality and how everything in his world is blamed on the outside. He is never in the wrong. Not with me, not with the government, not with nobody. He is building his own reality. His own truth that is so far away from the reality of things that it's impossible for him to see or hear anything that doesn't fit in his ever lasting story that he's telling himself about the world.

The story that he is alone, that he cannot trust anyone. That he is the only one seeing the truth, understanding the world and he is the victim of all of us. Narcissism. With all my sympathy and empathy I go along by his side supporting his narrative, trying to safe his existence, taking on his tasks, the things he's abandoned, leaving responsibility to me.

Again and again he shows glimpses of his reality to me. They scare me. He seems to feel well in control in his position when he should be humbled to his existence, deeply grateful for all I'm doing for him as no one else would. Yet he's not. His survival mode is active. On alert. No trust. Only fight. For when I speak my truth once, set my boundaries, communicate my frustration about the situation and his inconsideration towards me, not communicating back to me he will not have it.

He wouldn't have it for a single time. Especially not after having asked me to marry him. It's only the next day and he's already not talking to me. Feeling safe in my care and kindness so much that even the last bit of pretense and responsibility is slipping through.

Calling at noon when my frustration has already climaxed, being overwhelmed with the tasks and his ignoring behavior, he again seems far away from the reality high up in the sky as if he was the ruler. The king, the person in charge to make decisions of the what when and how. No respect for anything concerning my existence or all the things I have been doing for him over the week. With this sedated smile of his that he carries on his face throughout time he tells me that he has a life too. A life that he's been deported to within the blink of an eye having me saving his ass. He has the audacity at all times to still play the king of the castle. No shame. No gratitude, no humility. Power and control even when he is in no position for it. 

Again he's trying to gaslight me while I am already on the verge of  my strength. When I don't want to take no more. He hears me hanging up multiple times on him totally oblivious to what's going on. It's enough. It's been enough. And he is blind for it. He's sitting comfortably in his armchair of manipulation knowing exactly how to use his words against me. Pushing me into the role of responsibility, of overreaction and wrongdoing. With desperation he tries to stay in power. Controlling controlling controlling. Trying to rule over me with all he's left.

Running through the day making it clear to him that I decide when we talk, not leaving my 'duties' even for one moment although they have never been mine from the beginning, it has become evening and I am ready for a drink. When I write a long letter to him -again- as it's all I know how to do he's already strategized about how to gain his power back and greatly so. The only one thing he has left to not be anyhow in the field of having to trust me. The only thing he can take to make sure he doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

Before even reading what I wrote, he is letting me know that he wouldn't speak to me because HE has such a hard life and that he is giving the business away. Now that everything has been taken care of, all the guests are settled and he doesn't need me anymore. Taking back his control rather than respect me as a human being. Accepting boundaries, treating people with consideration and care. All this is foreign to him because he needs to survive. Without anyone. Alone. As he thinks he chooses to be when it's mere survival.

Now that he can't be sure of me as his ally anymore, projecting his own personality on me, showing who he really is, he is using our common friend living with me to manage the things he needs to be done. Telling him to get all his things. He calls him, sitting right in front of me. Making sure to show me that he will not speak to me but to him. Making sure he got no respect or any sort of appreciation for me or anything I have done.

The thing is over. I feel it coming to an ugly end. Only I again underestimate his need for staying in power over me and the ugliness it's causing, having it all set up already how to screw me over from behind. 

Going on a hike to clear my head, I manage a bit too well to get my energies back, not even guarding myself anymore or even expecting anything from him to get back to me to apologize. Or maybe that was my protection because I know exactly he would never apologize. I have learned this within the two weeks that there is no way for him to ever step out of is meticulously built identity, his protection, his survival mode. Maybe I was smart enough not to trigger anything as long as I was on his premises. This subtle notion of making no other move to provoke is volatile attitude.

He calls, with video even as if nothing had happened as if we were best friends or partners, not saying anything about my letter or anything else that had happened. Gaslighting. Smiling in my face. I have no idea what is going to happen. I have no idea where he is standing or what he has already strategized about doing next. He won't say a word as if there was nothing to talk about until we get to a point to scratch the topic where he as usual refuses to take any responsibility for his behavior, throwing his usual ignorant attitude telling me he doesn't know what I want from him. Confronting him with the topic of apology he as expected reacts with rejection. There is no such thing in his world.

I hang up again. It is too much. There is nothing to talk about with this person who is still trying to gaslight me into believing that I am totally in love him because he is such a wonderful human being. His attitude, his detachment from reality almost making me laugh. No getting through. He is sitting on his high cloud and will never leave it. Not for me, not for anyone. No human being could be important enough for him to reflect up on his survival, on his sickening power games. Every word coming out of his mouth a projection of his own mentality. Projector. Just as I found out a day before. The master of projections. My only advantage. I can see through all of it. From the first moment I did. From the first time he started gaslighting me. I've had it enough. Still my mood hasn't changed a bit. I am still as bright and calm after my talk with him. A step into a bright future with myself. He cannot touch me. I have kept myself protected this time.

A. It's always the A. Triple A. Masters in their own world of manipulation. Only what they can't see is that they are not doing themselves a favor staying in their survival mode, pushing everyone out of their life who means well, who they could build a connection with, using them only to survive, to get the love they need for however long it serves them. Cutting everything off when they feel threatened when really there is no threat. Only a genuine human being trying to connect and support. The manipulation goes both ways as everything in our beautiful universe. Mostly the manipulation backfires on themselves as they are foremost manipulating themselves.

The projection game the most hurtful part. When all the words splashing out of his mouth, mirroring exactly who he is, spilling them all on me. Insulting me, stop judging me Lina, stop gaslighting me, you are confusing business and emotions, you are disgusting... This knows no limits. He is also playing the emotion card again as he already had one of the first nights and multiple times later, making me look as if I was in love with him, in the attempt to make me look delusional when he was the one constantly talking about seeing a future together. A second reality. No sense for who is standing where. Only pure struggle for existence when there was no one threating it but in opposite. When there was someone holding it. Taking care of it.

It hurts. It hurts being taken advantage of and at the same time it is such a relief to have it all ending when he sends our mutual friend to my room to collect his things and 'his' money that I have worked for. Backstabbing me, already having blocked me on social media. A mirror of all he is. Protecting himself again. Blocking me even without speaking to me about anything, reflecting once more his own mentality of how he assumes all the ugly things he would do to me, putting them on me. As if I would do something to his precious music account. As if I was someone who had done him wrong with anything ever. When truly it's him harming me on and on. Betraying my trust, my kindness and goodness. 

My clothes are already drying when my neighbor is getting his things from the room. I had this gut feeling I needed to prepare myself to get away as fast as I can. When he comes to collect the money of course it's not enough for him. I'm too slow to operate, overwhelmed by the nightly action. I even transfer more. I am all shivers of how cruel a human being can be. The universe is still all with me represented in my friends the beautiful women around me in this moment. When I leave my room to smoke a cigarette she is right there to hug me. A stranger yet she understands without many words what's going on. Holding me tight, soothing me, holding me long, stroking my head. You're strong. You're a strong woman. Everything is ok. Are you sure you're ok Lina? I'm here. She keeps holding me. She's an angel just like he saw me when he wasn't in his survival mode. She will hold my hand while leaving the situation, preparing my exit. She gives me her money. The only bit I could still get for myself. She's astonished, in shock about what he's doing to me. He's muslim. There is this topic again. Unfortunately becoming a reality again and again. When I was wishing so much for it not to be.

There were too many things I was wishing for not to be a reality and yet I couldn't deny them. Like the last phone call we had where I still behaved like I was his friend when right afterwards my ally is calling to listen to the full story, sensitively trying to make me understand that he's manipulating me. All the things she points out are the same things that I had already spotted and written down as warning signs. Waving flags. Bright red. Like fire burning through the night. No more denying the hurtful truth. The truth that was showing its face right away. All of my girls standing right by me. Reliably. Even in this messy night, standing there with open arms ready to catch me, clapping their hands that I got out of it, ready to take me in.

I feel nothing but lucky and blessed when she's picking me up, my bags packed, taking me to her house. Happy that I am with her. Having them protect me during this time is the biggest gift I could ever ask for. Not being alone, not being unprotected but feeling held and cared for as I deserve it just like my savior angel girl doesn't get tired of telling me over and over again like a mantra when she's handing me the money. You deserve it Lina. You deserve it. It's not his. It's yours. You earned it. Priceless.

Something you cannot manipulate. Connection. The truth. The truth of the world. While he's alone telling himself that he is choosing to when the reality is that he is choosing to see everyone as a threat, making people run away from him once they realize the real threat. The threat living inside of him. Only inside of him. Not in the outside how he's cultivated it in his reality. Blaming all the misery happening TO him in the external world, creating a life of insecurity and survival.

We all choose our own limitations. Seeing the world as a threat at all times we will be in survival our whole lives. Never able to build true connections. All his words of how much he trusts me, not believing that there were still people like me in this world only phrases to reassure himself that it's true still didn't make it true for him. Words he merely needed to hear for himself and yet he couldn't believe them. Yet he got stuck in his own reality that he is not able to give up. That he is not able to let go of. Stuck in a limbo of threat and survival when all he is seeking is love.