Christmas Glow

 

Christmas Glow. Not so much me today. Low light. The flow. It’s waking me up early this morning again after too little sleep. Tired I have to move myself out of bed, dragging me into the bathroom, the kitchen. I feel weak in my bones but the sun is slowly coming out and by the time I manage to put on a few sweaters it’s shining bright. Shortly after 9 I slowly walk down the road, chai in my mind. I feel like sleep walking when torture master Himself is walking up. Where you going? Chai. I reply. Me too, come up with me. And so we walk together until two seconds later student number two is joining us the same way. 

Christmas Day. I love it. Sitting here on this early morning, drained with the person who’s teaching me so much, the one I mostly came for. A true inspiration with his own background story, coming from nothing but bringing discipline, internal motivation and the biggest love and passion for yoga that one could imagine. His kindness, his values of respect, accountability, dedication, his spirit motivating thousands of students around the world, inspiring people to come to India to learn with him. And here we are sitting on Christmas morning having Chai and Christmas cookies. 

I could have not asked for a nicer start into Christmas Day. We’re sitting listening to our teacher’s wisdom and inspiration. His humor incomparable. His kindness, confidence, humbleness and authenticity is truly inspiring. Coming with values and openness at the same time, knowing where he’s standing. 

The host is bringing small traditional dishes, Christmas cookies included. My weak heart is fully in bliss. Master N pays and slowly I move myself down towards the fresh juice place to get a vitamin boost before the next chai. I sit down, getting my pink juice while my dear A is texting telling me to tell her if I need anything. Friends. Two minutes later another fellow student walks in. I start laughing. Isn’t that quite a morning. He’s coming to bring me his energy ball. Despite my lack of appetite everyone is supplying me food this morning.

The next encouraging conversation starts. A like minded spirit living a similar life to the one I’m dreaming of. Encouraging to become the person you want to be every day. You already have it all he says. Like I know. The practice. I feel at bliss. One inspiration after another. I say it’s so different this time coming only for vacation. He’s laughing. Even him. He understands. Vacation. It’s such a big part of me. India Georgia. In between worlds. Sitting here my life back home seems like such an illusion. I forgot the impact this place can have on me. Especially on days like these. 

I’m so full and enough. Like this is the only life I need. The only one I want. I know it’s on me to just move forward and take the right steps.

I thank the universe for making me come here. Right now. It was just the thing I needed to reconnect to what’s truly important to me. What I want and need. I try to stay in the moment, fully feel all that I feel. After a few moments I continue my way down towards Maa Ganga. As the Universe stays present I walk right into lovely A. She’s smiling understandingly. I can see she says nodding before she even reaches me. I truly must look like a wreck. We hug and she goes on to Master N until we meet again.

Finally I sit only for just a few moments at Ganga in the warm sun. It’s almost noon. One more Chai and I’m on my way back up. 

In between worlds. I pause for a second. Why not. I enter the place just because it seems calm and the name is clearly calling me in. I sit and write and get my chai and… The next one. My three days lost new friend with an M is coming in. We look at each other, our eyes widen before they join the rest of our faces that start to smile. You disappeared I say smiling. Yes I crashed my phone. Exactly what I thought. We get back to our flow of conversation exchanging how our last days have been going. Apparently not so differently. Running into exactly the right people, at the right time. 

I’m missing words on how synchronized everything feels today or really so many others here. Like the universe is literally smiling at you at every moment, watching your every step. Or mine. Synchronitation.

Today is magic. When I leave I’m on my way to the steam bath. More cleansing, more blood circulation, hopefully relaxation. 

Sitting in the wooden box, only my head sticking out, I look out the small window on top of the door watching the palm leaves moving in the wind when she puts on the mantra I haven’t heard maybe in years. From my first trip to India. Instantly tears are dropping out of my eyes. Emotions flow back into me of love and hurt, all the pain I’ve been through and all the healing as well. This sacred energy of this country. My connection to it. Such a reality. Fusing past into present again. 

The steam is starting to get hot and my body starts to give in. It’s only been a few minutes. I’m struggling but I feel my body giving in so I ask the lady to let me out. Total system shut down. Just like 24 hours before my body is trembling and it becomes hard making my way up the hill. I’m dragging myself up slowly, burning, probably hungry but once more left with no appetite. So I skip Namastē to redress myself into something more accommodating. 

Few minutes later I’m off praying for space in Tulsi and most certainly today it has more than enough for me. Within the first minute bhai Ji is already taking my order. Chai number three. Papaya juice, Ragi pancake spinach mushroom cream. Drink number six and seven. I shall surely be hydrated today. Especially after my steaming experience.

Listening to the next life story on another table. I know the feeling, the energy the guy is giving off. I know it. Familiar. Attracted to it. Toxic. His words, even the vibe of how he’s telling the story about his ex relationship, it feels like I’ve heard it all before too many times, walking into the same trap. Confidence. Too much of it. Another spiritual seeker..  on his journey with a bit too much emphasis on how good of a person he is. How much he’s attracting the right people. 

It’s interesting how similar the attraction somehow when now I also feel the toxicity instantly. Even from the other table, only hearing parts of the story that feel like he’s explicitly telling them for me.

His friend is leaving and I’m back to my drinks. Enjoying the last moments of the afternoon.

Too weak to attempt the Christmas event I was looking forward to so much, I go for a glint wine to finish the day. Merry Christmas 🎁🎄 🎅