The Sound of India

Do you feel lonely sometimes? Do you know that feeling of no belonging? I’m crying, she’s crying, he’s trying to soothe my breaking heart that keeps on breaking throughout my journey between the worlds. Breaking and constantly filling up with more and more love each and every moment. It doesn’t seem to end.

From waking up in tears the last morning, sitting on my balcony trying to realize what’s been happening, trying to conserve the love, the compassion, the selfless care, the spirit of this magical place. It seems my words are taking from the experience when I try to make it last, to feel deeper, it’s only really doing the opposite. No words can describe the love I’m feeling. The missing pieces, the ache from missing all these wonderful people, from understanding more about myself than I thought I could.

From having to leave a place that was and is a catalyst in my personal evolution. That brings together all of me. Holding me in space and time with all that I am. The energy it’s been giving me, reflecting in every single person around me. On and on and on like a flow, a stream of light that is connecting me to all of them. A stream manifesting in my tears that won’t ebb away. Tears that reflect my journey, my joy, my love, my belonging in places and people I was only able to revisit for such a short moment when they feel like home. Letting them go again too fast. 

My joy, my pain. My light, my darkness, my heaviness. My bliss, my burden, my happiness, my agony. Where there is light there will be darkness. It’s the law of nature. The ambiguity, the opponent parts. One cannot exist without the other. My pain a reflection of my deep love and happiness. My struggle of detaching, an indication for my attachment. 

It’s my treat. It’s already been taken care of. No let me pay. I got you. Already done. Words I hear throughout the last days from everyone around me over and over again. 

In the taxi to the airport three beautiful amazing Indian English women in the backseat. The one who organized everything, paying our lunch, saving all of us by arranging for the taxi without me even knowing her. Her kindness shining through every single molecule of her being 

Lina you take the front seat. Lina are you comfortable? Lina whenever you wanna come back, let me know. I’ll clear my schedule and come along and show you around. I’m serious. I mean that. Contact me any time you return to India and I’ll come join you. 

I cannot… 

you know I’m really happy for all of you because I literally was asking God, I’m always asking God to use me for the service of other people. That I can do something for them to help. And I’m so happy it happened again. 

We’re reaching the airport as I am crying my heart out for the love of strangers behaving like friends, loved ones. So on spot at the right time at the right moment that it can be named as nothing else than the synchornicity of life itself.

What an ending of this time. I receive tons of loving words and messages from the ones I had to leave behind. From everyone who was part of my experience over the last weeks and I can finally feel the precious connections I’ve made over the years and how they’ve grown into something that truly matters to me. Touching me deeply. Beautiful Lina. I miss you. We’re waiting for you. It’s always a pleasure to see you. So happy to see you and practice with you. I know you’ll be back. Thank you for everything. Hope to see you soon. You have great energy!  From all sides the same words that make me feel at peace and overwhelmingly sad at the same time.

It’s late night when I land back in my beautiful mother Georgia. I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I exit the plane and get the most personal welcome I’ve ever gotten. The lady at the exit of the aircraft is the one who two weeks before helped me with my visa form for India. The same warm excitement as before arises the moment she spots me, smiling, getting all giddy, hugging me. Heyyyy I remember you. How was your trip? She’s wearing nylons, a sexy skirt and a fur jacket. Model look. Like two weeks before. Again a stranger working for the airline, welcoming me like a friend.

The next morning. It’s New Year’s Eve and I feel like whatever happens shall happen. I have no expectations, nothing I need. I’m full. Full in a way that nothing can compare to it. Who could have known that the next three days would bless me with similaar love and affection. Overflowing with warmth and connection. 

I go to see her. My dearest. My anchor. It seems our friendship has been upgraded, catalyzed. Synchronously. When I enter her door it’s not only her dog and her mom who are happy to see me.

She’s giving me a long warm hug, pulling me in. I’m so glad to have her here. My buffer in my buffer zone. We have coffee, we eat, we talk. It’s hard for me even to talk about anything without making it feel less than it is. Without it fading away in the dark as if nothing of it happened. Only the small items I brought to her as a gift proof of the reality of my journey. The tiny string that's connecting the worlds. It's hard to talk without my tears constantly trying to burst out. 

When I’m at my last sentence about my physical restrictions, my yoga, my world, my identity, not knowing who I am even without it… my body can physically not hold it anymore. She’s getting up. Oh Lina I'm feeling bad too, I need to cry as well. Let me just walk my dog and I’ll come and we’ll lie on the floor and cry together. 

And this is somewhat exactly how it was going. When she returns, wrapping a gift sitting on the floor she says I really don’t feel good and starts crying and crying.  You see how all these people just function. Ther're like robots. How do they do it? I wish I was that disconnected. I feel her. I just do. The anxiety, the fear, the love. No belonging, feeling lost. All the human emotions we all have and share in silence, that everybody is afraid to share loudly. Hearably. Despite all of us feeling the same way, feeling lonely and frustrated  like everyone has figured life out, we are afraid to share any of it feeling ashamed. When truly we’re all are tired of ourselves at times, constantly thinking that we’re alone that there’s something wrong with us when truly we all are just living for the first time and no one has figured it out. Only pretense in this world that makes us feel lost and insecure as if we were a failure when we’re beautiful human beings. 

I feel our connection has become deeper, more intimate, more honest, more unfiltered. She’s opening up to me, lets herself be seen, becomes vulnerable. It touches me. It helps me to let go, to trust, to feel safe. To belong actually. To some people’s heart. 

We’re spending the day in doing absolutely nothing. I feel a shift in our communication. It has become natural. We drink, eat, write, talk, laugh, cry and go outside for midnight.

Glitter in my face I’m happy to just spend time with her, hoping that I can give her some sort of stability in her fragility. The next wave of tears rushing over me when offhand she grabs chocolates from her pocket, handing it to the driver. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. So casually. Giving. Giving. Selflessness. She’s so much like that too. So beautiful. So much of what the world is missing. In the same moment she’s apologizing for how boring she is. I laugh between my tears and tell her that that’s not the reason I’m crying. 

Hello Lina, thank you for your warm words, wow it feels so far like it’s a dream remembering those days. The first thing I think about is that now I stopped smoking and on those days I was going heavy at it. Thank you for thinking of me and remembering me. I’m glad you’re back in Tbilisi, out of every city I have been, the fireworks in Tbilisi are the best, they’re just wild! I hope you’re doing well too, I hope you’re warm in the winter and enjoy time with people you love and that love you back. I don’t write (at all actually) but know that I wish you a lot of smiles and sincere laughs.

Happy new year

New years messages from unexpected places. I had to think of you the last days and how positively you’ve influenced me back then. You’re a great person. Over two years back. Things come back around in unknown ways and places and times. Right now from everywhere. Nourishment for my soul. A nourishment I seem to have missed. The appreciation of people having me around, having me in their lives. This deep dark hole I feel inside of me so many times, seems to fill up.

Returning to Georgia with her by my side I realize that what makes me feel so connected, what moves me inside is the effortless consideration for my person, my existence, my being here. The active inclusion of my person simply because I’m wanted. My presence doesn’t feel like a maybe, like indifference. It matters. The feeling to truly matter, being of importance especially for one person. Having one specific person who always cares, who always includes you, who’s always taking you in. A best friend, a partner in crime, a special connection. My deepest longing. 

In these frames finding it fulfilled. Answered. Heard. Seen. In every move, every word, every hug. Holding hands, checking in over and over again how we’re feeling, making sure we’re safe and heard. I’m being checked upon. Something I’m not used to. A wonderful feeling. Being included as long as I'm there. A connection that has evolved rapidly within a few days. In our similar pain, our struggles with life, our insecurities and doubts. Sharing them openly we manage grow a deeper bond.

And not only with her, my anchor in the home of my choice but also with two new connections, appearing out of nowhere, initiating a meeting, expressing how much they appreciate to see me, to have me. To have just a little bit of time with me on my last day before  leave. Unexpected and full of love. I stand in the cold air of the city center, the third day of the new year when I see the two of them, coming running at me with laughter. Such joy and excitment, their faces smiling largely at me, they open their arms to embrace me. My heart is filled with gratitude. It reminds me of my Chemi Gogo, two summers ago. The one that saved me from my heartbreak with the same kindness, love and openness for me, coming running at me as if we'd known each other for years when truly it's only been days. 

Just like with these two right here right now. So happy to see me. So excited over and over expressing how grateful they are to have the opportunity to see me even for one afternoon. How sad they are that I'm leaving again. That they will miss me so much. I can see their sincerety in their faces. Full of sadness, of empathy for my situation. For hanging between the worlds when they would like nothing rather than me being there. You will always have friends here Lina. We love you. We are waiting for you. Their sensitivity and appreciation for me with so little background, truly touching me. My mind wanting to devalue their love, as it's used to do. To downgrade, make me feel unloved. But I know better today. I can see the reality of all these creatures that the universe has produced, coming to me for the last weeks every single day out of nowhere, reassuring me that I'm wanted there. That I'm appreciated, held and seen. There is no denying it.

My heart cannot express how mch that means to me, how it's moving me and all the different emotions it's stirring up. In all its beauty there is so much hurt, confusion, irritation, longing, feeling lost and hurt and loved all at the same time, knowing that for now I cannot hold it. I have to leave, let it go. Physically. Only for now. Hoping that I'll finally manage to return. With substance, consistency. With a plan in my pocket of how I'll finally stay. Stay in the places where I can receive the love that I've always wanted to feel. Where people are actively coming to me to share their love with me in a way I was always longing for it.

The last moments enjoying the beautiful surrounding and her. Her friends. A snow walk on the hills around the lake. A steam bath, hot pools, sauna, sulfur baths in the evening. My heart is heavy unable to process all of it. My mind is refusing to grasp the reality of me leaving in only a few hours back to my cold home. A home that doesn't feel like home. That isn't even a home - yet or maybe ever. The matrix. The place of dissociation.

No sleep, almost like in a delerium I experience my way back home. Overnight until the early morning hours until I arrive in snowy Berlin. My mind doesn't seem to process any of it. My body is just functioning like a robot. I cannot communicate, feel or think. I just exist like a ghost. India in my heart. India in my mind. I dissociate. Disappear.

The feeling of being appreciated, the energy of love luckily seems to have followed me back home. Something  special that seems to be so rare in our world. A few days, a week of acclimatization. A few magical moments that allow me to get a glimpse of that magic back here, sent as a reminder.

The transition days in my buffer world having given me the right warmth, serving me as a reminder of what could be. What's important. A reminder of connection. A connection that I'm oftentimes missing so much.