Midnight Decisions
The beginning of summer. It's hot. It's been like this for days now. The blistering unexpected heat of the high summer. Today is the day. A few reminders have been sent my way the past few days. Reminders of what I've been through. Two years ago exactly today. My biggest heartbreak. Or one of them anyway. One that stuck with me. His kindness, his love, his care. His attentiveness, sensitivity and strength. His dedication. His dedication to care for me in the most beautiful way possible, a way that I have never known of, before he disappeared into the endless time and space of the universe. Leaving me behind at the beginning of summer. Today. Two years ago. In the place I love and miss so much.
Today I'm looking at the mountains. I'm sitting on the balcony. Our balcony. Already tipsy of a few glasses of wine. Like there like here. We come back. I almost reach my low of energy, my eyes desperately wanting to shut with every minute that passes more. But I can't go to sleep. I have different plans. I need another glass of wine. Just one. And a cigarette. With the purple flavor that takes me back to exactly that time two years ago in the mountains. That heat in the middle of the summer. The unbearable tragedy of a summer that stuck with me for so many months, through so many tears, so deeply in my heart that I couldn't imagine to ever feel ok again.
For once I felt safe. For once I felt seen. For once I felt understood, loved, taken care of, appreciated, truly wanted. For once in my life. For a short period of 10 days I felt something I've never felt before. I felt something that I didn't know was possible. As surprisingly and unexpected as he appeared in my life, he also left it. Left me broken; more broken than I had been, coming from the place where my heart had been shattered into the tiniest pieces to a point where I thought it was unrepairable. But then he came. And I became soft. Again. For someone, without seeing it coming.
Ten days. Ten days of love, connection and hope. Hope for the world, hope for myself to heal, to become whole again. To let go, to evolve, to find protection, to be loved and shielded. He saw me. He knew. He knew better than myself. He told me about it too. I will hurt you Lina. I didn't want to hear it. I knew it. Deep down I knew he knew better than me. In just this short time he could understand me better than I understood myself. And he let me know. He warned me. He did what he thought he could to protect me in the future. And then one drunk late night, the wine in my hands as today, he left. He threw me out, made me leave. Made sure I understand that we will never meet again. Not tomorrow, not next year. This was done. I should forget about him. Immediately.
So today, I sit on the balcony, almost having forgotten about one of the most disturbing heartbreaks I have experienced. One of the many, at least knowing with all my fibers that I can survive anything, the biggest hurt because I've already passed it multiple times when I had already been convinced that I couldn't survive another one in over 20 years. Not another heartbreak, not another person who leaves me behind without a warning, without a reason, without protection. Leaving me by myself. Again in this cold world. Fighting again alone. In loneliness, for myself, by myself as so many uncountable times before.
June 21. The Beginning of summer.
He's my kind of person. He's deep. He's quiet. He's soft. He's open, he's sensitive and sensible. Caring for the people he loves. Loving genuinely like he deserves to be loved. He knows truth when he sees it. He feels it in his body. I've seen him expressing it. Tonight he acknowledges it. I'm being perceived. I am acknowledged. It's rare. It's rare in this world, it's become even more rare in my life. I've missed it deeply. Deeply and painfully.
I was lost until I found me in you. I feel that. He feels me. I feel him. Simply.
Sometimes I have felt our thoughts crossing. I can literally see them merging as if the same thoughts have come out of two minds fusing into the same reality. It might be imagination. It might be me sensing things I wanna sense that are not real, that are not there. But then in this sphere nobody would know what is truth because whatever I feel is truth. In this night little sparkles of that truth come out again and again. In the words that he's directing towards me. It's like these little sparks that I've seen, felt, sensed in so many small moments, now becoming a part of reality when he speaks his truth while I see the same moments coming to transitioning from imagination into reality. Everything you feel is truth. Tonight I'm being released. Released in so many different ways, on so many different levels of my existence. My doubts, my fears, my insecurities, my irritations - dissolving with every moment in the dark night into the bright stars above our heads, diffusing with every sip of the wine running down my throat merging me smoothly with the universe in time and space. Soothing my wounded heart, coming to me to hold me in my memories.
The exact sparkle that's been following me from the first time I came here. When we returned from our dinner together and we parted for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me so tightly I didn't wanna let go. A stranger who within hours left a mark with me. Imprinted me in some way and I could already see how we're living together in a way I was hoping for in a long time. Living together with people who respect and appreciate me. Who care although we're strangers. From the first moment they wrap their arms around me, warming me as today when the heated day turns into a dark night, transforming into a fresh morning. A new day. Today the world is different. It's changed over night. Changed through Midnight Decisions in a Midsummer night's Revelation.
I'm sobbing, tears splashing out of my eyes, finally pouring like a waterfall down my cheeks. I've been missing them. Didn't know how to find them. Didn't know how they could find me. I needed help. Help from someone who sees me. Who feels me maybe more than I can feel myself at imes. Allowing me to feel. In his shade, in his embrace. To just be and feel. Feel my genuine emotions that I've been searching for since I've arrived. Inside of me. Vainly. Here they find their space. Finally. Their safe space. In this young man's presence I am freed. Freed from my agony. My pain, my hurt from the past, acknowledged, released. The hurt that has been weighing on me for years and years with too little acknowledgement, without relief. Without cure. Finally allowed to be felt without judgement. I knew he could do that. He has been since I first met them. Only we didn't know all the explicit hurt that's inside of us. We had no idea what the other person is holding in their heart. And we still only got a glimpse of it.
It was enough to know. It was enough to bring it into the world. It was enough to let the wine spill our tea, to connect, to let the curtains fall, to trust that everything will be ok as it is. That we can share in the darkness and keep the bond in the light. Midnight Decisions. My Love is singing. As if she was sitting next to us.
Soothe me now, soothe me, old friendWarm my body, dunk my headHe was my whole worldHe was my whole worldKill the chatteringKeep the voices from screamingHe was my whole world
Even only a few hours before when I sit on my yoga mat involuntary thoughts flying through my mind when I sit crossed legged, my eyes closed, envisioning him upstairs doing something as if I could connect to him in that exact moment, something connecting me to him, something I cannot put into words. Something I am not controlling. Something I am not choosing, something that just is. I've seen it so many times in these weeks when he speaks my words, my thoughts, my notions, receiving. My whole being is showing me. Truth. I don't want to pay attention to it. I wipe away my thoughts, my perception, my sensations. No matter the truth it's not the space, it's not the time. He is with her. He is loyal. She is beautiful. They are beautiful.
My eyes closed it's knocking on the door. I brought him here. Supervising. The Universe can't be wrong. Nothing is coincidence. Coincidence doesn't come knocking on the door every day now for weeks. Evidence does. It's enough for me to feel comfortable, to get the sense of happiness that I needed in their aura. I've been telling people how much my heart needed people like them around me. Bringing out the most beautiful version of myself. Making me better. Making me who I am, who I was... who I wasn't allowed to be in so many places.
There is no difficult feeling. No sadness, no agony, no jealousy, no envy, no resentment. I feel a genuine generosity, a true sense of selfless happiness for their happiness. Something I'm not sure I ever felt before. Something that is free, unconditional, kind and true. Something they radiate every day, that shines on me, that allows me to exist with them in their connection. To learn what it means to truly care, to share, to give without expecting anything in return. They make me feel love. With them.
I want to keep this to myself. Just for a little while. Bath in it. Conserve it for the hard times. Hold it close to my heart wherever I go. Hold on to it. Plant it deeply. Imprint it in my heart. As a default. Feeling safe. Feeling ok. Feeling enough. Feeling worthy of existing. Feeling appreciated, wanted in my existence. Feeling. This. Sitting next to someone who understands. Not with his mind, his brain, his intellect, his cognition - someone who understands through his heart without explanations because he's felt it too before... Falling in and out .... of Love... He's still feeling it. The ambuguity of his happiness existing in the same space with the darkness. The darkness that comes unexpectedly again and again out of nowhere hunting him down, pulling him down into the hole. I know. And yet I don't.
I only know what we are sharing in this moment, the feelings I have, the connection I sense, I hear. Hearing the words out loud of his mouth. The same words that were my perception for the entire last month since I first set foot here. The way he’s carrying himself around me is touching me, moving me, making my heart become soft. He’s making me emotional the way he’s expressing his emotions. The way he cares, he’s paying attention, he’s taking weight off me. The sparkles, the sparkles, the sparkles. My intuition didn't leave me. He authenticates what I've been sensing in all these small moments. He validates what needed to be validated to be me. To know truth. To connect to myself.
I don't know how long we're sitting emptying two bottles of wine and a pack of cigarettes while I am pouring mentally and physically spilling under the stars when the night slowly turns into day and he is still holding me tightly, listening, taking the weight off my shoulders by empathizing, by listening, by acknowledging my pain as it is. By feeling through it with me. Holding me strong enough to make me feel safe, soft enough to ensure me of my freedom.
When the sky starts lighting up we're moving inside, he's still with me. Lying on the couch with me, not leaving my side, making sure I won't go to bed heartbroken. Not again.
I'm not. Not this time. He's curing it. Not breaking it. I do not remember the last time I have felt this way. I don't know how many times in the last days exactly this scenario has crossed my mind and I have tried to compassionately allow it to be there, exist without judging it. I knew in my heart it was good. It was peaceful. It was healing. It was not destructive. I felt love and I knew it was good. I wouldn't have to be scared that in the light of day he would turn around and pretend nothing had happened. I knew he would still be there. I knew he would be his loyal, caring self, emotionally mature enough to honor what we've shared without having to cross boundaries. Without having to hurt someone. Because what hurts him, will hurt her, will hurt me. What hurts her, will hurt him, will hurt me. And we know. A silent knowing that needs no explanation, that will only need our respect to be acknowledged. To be lived. Lived in love. Equinimity. A silent agreement that's not so silent anymore but still. Quiet. What the heart wants. Redemtion. Remedy. From the past.
He's honored me. With my burdens from the past. The choice to be here despite all odds. To be happy and live a good life. All those tears I've been shedding for my heartbreak love songs don't apply today. The heart wants what it wants. And it's good, it's selfless, it's free. No destruction, no inner conflict, no ambiguity. The knot has been untied inside of me and tied in our reality. Even when I move to my bed I feel a strange kind of energy moving through my body. Something new. A tingling. It's good. Something has happened and I will keep it sacred as it deserves. As it is.
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