The Waves of the Heart

 

The waves seem to have crashed against the shore, becoming smaller... In these short pauses tiny waves of bitterness or anger arise in me.

It’s been taking up my whole focus. Burned out for love, my urgent longing for BElonging answered in glimpses of moments. Not in really but in my heart. From the other side I just look like a side attraction beside that someone that really matters.

Your thoughts about me disappear when I’m not around while mine are still floating around in free space desperately wanting to be answered, searching for connection. Notions, thoughts, feelings, perspective, emotions that want to be shared all around. From me. One sided. But you're not alone. You can't feel my urge. It's not the same.Unless I can separate myself, find some distance, some freedom, detach from all that wants to be through me and can't be. Shouldn't be. In some ways it wants to grow so deeply, it wants to come out. And then it wwants to be put on hold. As it should.

After time I cannot measure I get the glimpse of what I could feel. A glimpse of could be for me one day. Not today. Not here. Not nowhere for now. My longing for love and care, attention, for being priority called in a moment of a dark night and yet remaining unanswered as I know. 

I’m alone in this. And I shall be. I've already allowed myself to feel too much. Rushdrunk on emotions when they were made to disappear within the distance immediately after leaving the bubble.

I’m sitting in the train on my own. I’m sitting in the plane by myself. I’m entering the bus alone. I still have no one by my side. The seat next to me is still empty while I wish someone was sitting next to me, putting his head on my shoulder, grabbing my hand, holding it. Delusion. It seems far. Now farther than before. What was I thinking... The heat must have fried my senses. All of them at the same time. I wanted to believe something. I do still. It doesn't help. Still I remain in the dark. Underseen, underheard, underacknowledged, underfelt, underloved, under… Incognito. Invisible. Untouched.

Not coming to find me but be away. I’m done over sharing. I wanna be found. I can numb my urge to share. I can retract, pull back, out of the way with no return to what was. Communication has ceased just within a little distance. A portal opening back into what was before midnight decisions. Mercury retrograde. 

My mind is refusing to eat, my body rejecting food. My heart...

And then I wanna live in my illusions. I wanna surrender to them, dissolve in them. I want that connection to be as I feel it. I want the sparks to be sparkling. And yet they better die in my rationality for not going down the same road as I know it. These are midday decisions.

I can feel my anger grow. Annoyance finally spreading through me unexpectedly finally. The personal sharing channel disappears and with every word I wanna step away just one step further.

This force of nature I am. No one can see. See through all the layers. Has ever seen. When I'm dancing in a room full of it all. Full of me. My body moving across the room. Flying, lying, rolling, going with the air as if this is where I belong. Where all my emotions become expressions only for myself to see. To feel. I know no one coming with the strength of a hurricane without leaving everything destroyed, moving with the soft strength of life itself, no one intending to discover all that's underneath.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DZqjNfyumW_/?igsh=MTkwYWRxcXdnZzRlaA==

Holding it all together alone.

My thoughts become more energetic, aggressive, mean almost. It feels like I need it for me to stay with myself. Why had I even been thinking I would be heard or replied to.. in the end.


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