This is Personal

Hopefully it's personal. There it reappears. My personal life topic. Personal personal. What can hurt me most is impersonal. If that night had nothing to do with me it would hurt the most. If it wasn't about me that would break me the most. Like it has before. Innumerable times. Not that it is separable anyways. You. Me. Personal reasons, personal for the other side due to their characteristics, their incapabilities, their personality lived through me without a reference connecting to me. 

People keep saying it's nothing personal as if this was freeing as if this was making things better when for me this is worst interpretation possible. The worst feeling of them all. If this had nothing to do with me. If this would have happened with anyone, if this was not about me then why would I even care. If someone just lives their identity through me... Like I've experienced it throughout all my life. In so many different facets. To me this is a burden, an insult, an abuse, a waste. A waste of experiences in the best case and a heartbreak I can never recover from in the worst.

What if the things I experience with someone are completely separate from me. From all that I am. What would be the meaning of it anyways? What would be the value of it? Why would I be happy about it? What would it matter if all my life experiences, my sufferings only had to do with the people I've experienced it with and never with me? What would be the value for me? The meaning? The deeper sense? The purpose?

Am I just here like a puppet for others to play with? To live their moods with? Their flaws, their hurt, their insufficencies that they need to act upon. That they need to release while I am carrying all their pain for nothing. Left behind in the darkness, unseen, unheard as ever. Processing, transforming, transcending their afflictions, their suffering for them? Remaining a place holder, an object? Ever exchangable, replacable once the situation has passed...

Is this what I'm here for? For transcendance - a DANCE, that's not my own but for others? A catalyst for them to live through me? Through all my experiences, my processes, my transformations? Is that fair? Is this my mission on this planet? To help others transform? Heal? Grow? Experience? Dissolve? In their world?

When is it my turn? When is someone finally coming to help me be? Help me live? Help me exist? Hold me in my weakness, my vulnerability, my pain and sorrow? All my suffering.....

I've heard people telling me. I heard people seeing me. I've heard people acknowledging... My mission. Did I choose that mission? A mission that's so unrewarding, so devestating, so heavy, so hurtful such a burden at times..

Again I'm sitting alone just a few days later reminiscing in what was. What is. Alone. Carrying it on my shoulders, in my heart without anyone holding my hand. Without anyone carrying me. Without anyone acknowledging my pain. Without anyone even sensing my discomfort, my hurt. Without anyone even so much as caring of how it looks inside of me. How I feel. How my most inner part is crying, screaming for help. Wanting to be held, carressed, taking care of, loved, listened to. For me.

Someone sharing this pain with me. This hardship, this agony. This confusion, irritation and loneliness in my heart. All the long  hours I lie awake in the darkness, these hours trying to find relief, redemption from all the emotions I'm carrying with me from other people...

You're so beautiful I hear my inner voice telling me. I know it's truth. I feel the truth. I'm tired. Tired of having to be the one to tell myself. Drowning in my memories when another person would tell me, would hold me, would allow me to be. For my sake. Not theirs. Selfless. Without an agenda. Without the background of their own sorrows. Just for me.

Music. Small moments. I have to smile. I have to laugh but my inside it's the waves of an ocean. An overwhelming power that makes me wanna splash like the water in the river, splash my tears out, overboard, over the shore. They don't see over the shore. They see a calm river. A neutral river that flows. That's running smoothly as it always does. As it's supposed to.

Too much with themeslves to notice. There will be better days. Yes there will be. When I make them better. I want someone else outside of me to make them better. I deserve it. I've been a fighter. I've been a lover. I've been it all. And I still am. I wanna choose. Choose when I wanna fight. Choose when I wanna love. Choose when Iwanna give, transcent and grow. I wanna Choose. I don't wanna be forced. Forced by the outside world to fight for myself. Love for myself.

This was special to me. Things are special to me. People are. Their emotions are. What they share is. I want the same. I want to be special with all that I am. I want to feel it. In all my fibers. In my bloodstream. In every single bone. Not only in one moment when they choose. But in all the moments that follow. Like a river runs. Not when someone else is having moment. When I'm having a moment. Or two. Or three. Or four.

I don't want people to walk away once they've lived what they've wanted to live through me. At the cost of my heart. My being. My existence. I don't wanna be done. I don't want moments to not last. At least emotionally. I want consistency. Love. Lasting love. Honest love. True love.

I don't want others to decide, to dictate when the time is over. When the moment has passed, when the situation is different. I want to be part of it. I want to be involved. I want to exist in it as well. I need to exist. This is personal.