Der Gutmensch Pippi Langstrumpf

 Lalalalala... Widdewidde wie sie mir gefaellt...

Oh well... Finally all my understandings from the last weeks coming into being. I now can experience what I have understood over the last weeks. Only thing is, I have to come to terms with my long old friend bare minimum and zero effort policy that I've struggled with for so many years in guys. But hey here it is again. Our zero effort convenience policy. I only stand up to my words when it's comfortable for me. Not when it's actually about you. I told you I have other things to do. Why do I care how you feel? Why do I care what you need in that moment? I am here for myself and what I wanna do.

I guess the convenience part was a real breakthrough for me. Luckily I've been doing the work over the last weeks and have gotten my percspective confirmed from the inside herself as well. Most likely I just had to see it myself with my own eyes to make sure my reality check was the real deal. And so that's what I did. 

His opportunist nature that seems to be a stranger to him when deflection and defense are his strongest tools to win his battles. Instead of recognizing that I was in an emotional state of mind and that maybe he could have come check on me -as we are living in the same fcking place- since I've never ask him for anything like that, he just decided what he always did. Like he doesn't realize where I am or in which room or if I even exist. There is not a single thing he is willing to invest other than responding. Sending a text back. The bare human decency, after willful ignorance as he's already played it out the last weeks. So his level of decent communication is a bare level above ignoring me. Wow! Wohoo! That is... well it is what it is. The bare minimum, zero effort that I've seen in most men.

And so from here all I have to do is adjust my expectations to the reality of matters to go on living at peace. It was only my old friend hope in combination with idealism and belief that came in my way for a minute to be bold enough to ask him to go on a walk with me when my intuition clearly told me that he wouldn't do it. That this was more of an inconveniece for him than to care why I would even ask such a thing.

Ah right because I was drunk. Right. Because nothing I feel or do or say is of importance or meaning. Because I will not be taken seriously with what I have to say. Ok then. There we go again. Bashing me to win for your own side.

The way of argumentation doesn't appear the bear a level of high emotional maturity. Me against you. Not us together to solve an issue. I've seen it multiple times in their relationship and always return to the point where I am only happy that I'm not the one inside it. It would an absolute nightmare. Debating and debating for the matter of winning and being right, deflecting and defending instead of coming together, trying to understand the other person, considering my own behavior and perception as possibly being something that has been hurting someone else or at the very least been irritating and misunderstanding.

But no not with him. That would be too much. Too much to ask at this point so I have to look the reality in the face and stop investing or expecting that this could be a friendship. Because he's not looking at me as a friend. As a person he cares for. He's looking at me like a convenience for his life. As I'm sure he does with most if not all. But let's rather go hiding.

So bye bye. I'll rather also go hiding than wasting my purity and honest effort into no man's land. A land where words have no weight and are blown with the wind already while they're are spoken. No anchor, no stability, no consistency, no meaning behind them. Only convenience and opportunity and that's ok.

Once more I only need to learn to know my limits. And they are reached. From here on I can learn to deal with reality instead of potential. Because that has never helped anyone. It was extraordinarily dumb of myself despite better knowledge to show myself vulnerable towards him - again when I've learned he wouldn't care. Like I've done it so many times over the years.

Time to be with myself again.