I want this to be Beautiful

 Finally it's all coming out. Last night I was still fighting with all my emotions by myself. A subtle not so subtle curtain of fear, uncertainty and loneliness hanging over me, covering my heart. Shielding it. A shadow. A shadow from the past, from all that had happened that night - confusing, unclear, undissolved in what it meant. What it means now and for our time together.

Past hurt arising inside of me. Past hurt expanding across my heart mixed with something good from now. If it can be good. Something beautiful that had happened. A connection. A connection entangled with emotions I haven't felt in a while and ought not to be lived freely now. That wasn't the heaviness. I don't need them to be lived. I needed them to be real. I needed the night to have been real. Admittedly. Not just for myself. I needed to hear it. From him. I needed to hear that I wasn't a place holder. That it wasn't 'the alcohol'. 

I needed recognition of the realness of the things I've been feeling, seeing, sensing. I needed to be joined in that space. Not hanging alone in all my reappearing sensations, thoughts, maybe even fantasies at moments. My mental and physical reactions in the small moments that no one but me could see or feel...

His initiative of speaking up was all I needed. A time and space where he is spilling it on to me. It's all I was thinking of for the last days until last night. This nagging anxiety deep inside of me, holding me hostage, my chest so tight from the first day afterwards when he said we needed to speak again and I felt this knife stuck directly into my heart. This knife of fear, of resentment, of rejection, so hurtful I thought I couldn't breathe. Like the following days when I was trying to find my breath. Breathing deeply in and out as if it took my body physically all the energy it had left in my fragility and sensitivity. 

Between love and heartbreak and fear, imprisoned for as long as I had to carry it myself, putting a heaviness on my soul that made it hard for me to exist between all the opposing emotions.

He released me. I released myself. Being patient. Trying not to attach to it, hold on to it and yet keeping it sacred, holding it close to my heart and allowing it to be. I allowed all of it to be and tried to convince my mind of the little hope, the little trust that I had for it to be good. To be solved. To be recognized in the outside world. And it was. Today.

Starting in the morning when for the first time in a few days we got up again at the same time. While coffee he starts talking about what was and it already takes some pressure off my chest. How he takes responsibility, how he doesn't deny anything but validates what was happening and it was meant the same as well. That only he is trying to find a way how to respect boundaries within the different needs of us being near each other. Of them. Closeness. The needs of physical touch as well as sharing on different levels. That he doesn't wanna overstep. 

I share part of my vulnerability. My loneliness, my overwhelming emotions. He holds them, he recognizes them as before. He tells me that I should know him  well enough by now to see and know that he wouldn't do something like devaluing what has happened.

There he lays out the source of my pain. I couldn't know. How could I possibly after everything I've experienced in the past, not being able to trust my intuition, heart or gut. Being disappointed over and over and over again. Hurt, used, abused, lied to, manipulated and wronged in every way possible I know. Even after months or even years of 'knowing' someone. How can I trust? How can I trust myself? That is the real question here.

With the help of him it would be easier. With him being consistent, making sure that this is not imagination but that my perception is matching his, my chest becomes a bit lighter, it becomes a bit lighter to breathe again. His openness about his notions, thoughts and feelings take away some of my heartache. As it should. Throughout the day again and again different puzzle pieces of what I've felt and thought, have kept arising inside of me transporting the need to be shared, to heard and recognized. It would take some more validation, some more reassurance to really dissolve all that pressure inside of me. To lift that weight off my chest and breathe freely again.

The little pieces in my mind flying around unsure of where or how to express them. If I was even allowed to. Because as much as he is trying to do the right thing I am as well. I don't wanna cross their relationship or make things harder than they need to be. I want this to be beautiful.

Going into the yogshala after work I am happy to step on my mat and work through it with my body. I remember the moment a few days ago, before the night. The situation when he was also upstairs working while I was on my mat. And so today the cycle should bring the closure for the moment I was longing for. That I needed so desperately in the last days when repeatedly waves of tears came h(a)unting me down.

In the attempt on making the music work, asking him but deleting the messages, he already appears in the door. I can hear him humming coming near to the room, as if he's announcing himself. I know. He came for something different. For a few moments he's helping me making the music work while I notice the similarity of the situation from a few days before. I feel something again. The sparkles. I'm glad to have my yoga mat for the next hours to let go, to free my mind, free my body, connect, sing, dance, holding my heart and tears.

When two hours have passed and I'm lying on the floor I hear the familiar knocking. He's coming to tell me that he's about to go before remembering he still had a few things to do in the blistering sun. Somehow the conversation is already fully running while we're making our way up. I don't know how. He has that talent of smoothly from one moment to the other diving right into topics that other people never even open up to or would be too scared to even verbalize. He doesn't. I never see it coming. And that's why I told myself to just hold still for a little moment longer and try to find trust in what I had seen from him so far. And it was good. It was worth it. Although I now am more sure that he would also not mind me coming to him when I wanna talk. I just needed to be more sure if he felt the same as me. That any interaction, any contact, any conversation, talk, exchange, touch, laugh will be appreciated. He already had that trust that I still need to build. That at times keeps me hostage in my sorrow and hurt. And so he didn't hesitate to speak out loud what I needed to hear.

What I needed to hear and he apparently wanted to share as well. All that opennes and honesty about attraction, closeness, our conversations, sharing, anything at all that I have felt since we met, validated in almost the exact same way that I was perceiving it. No gaslighting, no manipulation, no 'this is all in your head, nothing happened'-talk. No. Quite the opposite. He wasn't afraid to say the things out loud that were on his mind. The tension he sensed between us. With an emotional eagerness he asked me if I had felt that energy earlier in the yoga room when he came to help me with the music. I have to laugh. I have to smile and laugh throughout most of the conversation. It feels so light, so easy, so simple. No shame, no hiding, no fear of saying something wrong. Something that could change him within the blink of an eye, like I've seen it happening in so many people (men) before him going into denial, building a wall, going into defense, inflicting so much damage in my heart by making me feel like the biggest mistake, a no one, an unimportant subject that was directly thrown away when not needed for their own purpose anymore.

He most clearly does not do that. He speaks most directly about the things that have been happening in his mind and body since the time we met while he's emptying the water tanks bucket by bucket splashing the water on the rocks around us. Without hesitation, without shame, without judgement. It's freeing. There is nothing wrong. It just is. No denial necessary. We can share it under the blistering sun without having to blame ourselves, refuse or any unnecessary hardship. I don't even notice how the time is passing as we're talking for almost an hour, also sharing some of our past relationship experiences to understand where we're coming from.

He's wise for his age. Empathic, compassionate, reflected and most importantly honest to himself. Feeling so lonely and alone the past days I am not so sure anymore if being in my position is such a bad thing. Because for me no matter how much I wish to have someone next to me who loves me, who chooses me every day, who wants to be with me, whose priority I am - that's been the case all along for the longest time. This has nothing to do with the recent situation. For him though he might be conflicted in some parts of his needs or values while - if I can enjoy how I feel without the need of acting upon something more or hurting myself emotionally, I just got something beautiful added to my life.

A person who is paying attention to me, caring and kind. A friend who takes me as important who wants to know about me and hold me when he can. Who takes me seriously, appreciates my presence and our conversations. Everything else is extra. Something extra none of us can afford right here right now. And that's ok.