As it was.
Convenience. When I’m there it’s good. If not also good. Neglection. Out of sight out of mind. I know it too well. You don't always have to feel neglected I still hear my father's voice in my mind when I was a little child. It goes way back. It's not coming out of nowhere. How to find the balance when I've been undersupplied with care, attention, attentiveness, love for so many years since my mind had the first clear conception to remember.
Our positions are not comparable. While I'm depending on your attention, your way of communication towards me in the time you give me at the end I'm remaining the third wheel. No matter what. I'm the outsider, the intruder outside of a relationship. Outside, alone, exposed to my emotions in depending on our interaction at any point. An uncomfortable position to be in. Weak, without control. Exposed to what's happening. Not an option. You got the all popular access to all areas at all times pass that I never got. No popularity. And I got the pass no access to no places at no time pass unless you allow me to access. I need to serve myself naturally. Despite what is. What I feel, what's going through my system.
I cannot say hey I wanna spend an afternoon with you walking by the river talking. Ever. Not my place, not my position. You gave me the access one night, gave me a glimpse of how it could be if I got access, remaining the Power holder over closeness und distance. Naturally. Without a choice.
So many little illusions inside me clouding my mind.... Suddenly hearing a knock on the door ,you trying to check in on me. Seeing if I was ok. Asking me to sit talk, caring about where I am. Illusions. Taking my hand again like the one night when you granted me access. Not only granting but actively establishing a new gateway towards one another. You showing up behind me hugging me, coming near me. Seeing where I am. Daydreams, unvoluntarily popping in my head making it harder because they’re already being stopped by my rational mind telling me this is never going to happen. Not here. Not now. Twisted. Twisting and turning all theses different notions that keep coming to me if I wanted or not. Because some days...
Like these times in the yoga room, they become reality for a short moment. When you actually come knocking. I'm not sure it will ever happen again. The knocking disappears. Fading away into the past back to the midnight decisions.
I don't wanna be an outstander of my own destiny. I can't. I have been for too long. Too many times.
I’ve been opening every door I see, I feel, I sense for you to slip in at any time. The worst idea. Exposing myself. Becoming vulnerable to it all. I shall be closing them again. I picture these moments liek out of a movie where we just cross path and look at each other knowingly feeling. They are not real. They won't be. They can't be.
The amount of strength I’m trying to outgrow into softness... Taking up all my energy.
I don’t wanna reject my emotions. Not at all. I welcome them, I embrace them. I love them I've been missing them for too long. That's my fate. But I’m too tired of feeling and dealing alone with them. Not anymore I cannot be under the control of someone else's life when I have no saying. When I cannot be with all that I am.
I wanna see the sparkles, the excitement, the passion I bring, the thurst for life that I feel being lived. Resonating in someone in the outside world, carried further, expanding the same way I do it.
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