Collateral Damage

 My eyelids are heavy. The sun is shining. It's a new day. Not my day. Tears keep rising up my eyes uncontrollably running down hot my cheeks as they have been since 3 am in the morning. Finally moving to the living room into the exact spot where he told me all these things I needed to hear the other night that he doesn't want me to feel alone, be there for me, wants me to feel safe to open up.  Holding on to me tightly pretending he wanted to be there for me, know me, care about me. Only then to again leave me behind on my own. In the same darkness I've known for so many years. It takes him only days to treat me like a stranger, like anyone. This is nothing personal. I told him my biggest pain. Ignored. My messages unanswered for over a week - my writings because that's how I communicate these days because I have no say over when or if we even get to communicate. That's his choice. And he's been choosing silence for the past week. He chose himself. He chose to not care. He chose to give a shit about his own words and actions like all other men before him. I have to hold still, I have to be quiet, I have to behave, be good, be nice, not show how I really feel and he is making absolute great use of it.

 Collateral damage as I predicted. A little side kick to their beautiful love story. A little distraction that's served him and is now no longer of use. Leaving a pile of ashes behind. Burned me. The fire in my heart, slowly burning through me turning into an oh so familiar pain.

The good witch predicting that this is going to happen turning her into the bad witch. If he had known me for longer than just a few weeks he would not dare to even slap me in the face like this, burning me. Betraying every word he said, everything he wanted to make me believe. Trust he said. You should know I'm not like that. Death sentence. The sentence every single little baby boy has used so far in my life to protect themselves and kill me when they think they're the 'good one', the emotionally mature one when really they're selfish little ego driven babies, using opportunities for themselves. Unfortunately I have been this opportunity, this convenience too many times and he knew. He knows. He doesn't give a flying crap like all the others before knowingly with the same weapons defeating me, stabbing a knife through my heart as if this was the most casual move to make.

If he had known me in the past he would be holding his breath because he would know bad witch can be dangerous. Anyone who's seen me in my emotions, my rage, my anger once understood that I was unpredictable in my actions and emotions. That I would explode, scream, yell, cry. I would expose. I would cause the drama I needed to get it all out. The unfairness that I'm being treated with, the pain, the disrespect, the use, the betrayal. I would bring everything to light. I would selfishly let everything out that all others do for themselves without thinking twice. I would do as he does. Protect myself and not give a shit what it means for anyone else.

But I've changed. And he must have felt that safety from me. In all the opposite of his words I actually can be trusted. I'll protect. I'll keep the house happy and safe while I slowly fade in the background unprotected as ever, exposed to everyone else's motivations of when to see a convenience in me.

I wanna say these dumb unreflected little boys but it doesn't help because idiot me even tells them every little detail about what they might miss and how they could hurt me and what would hurt me the most and every single one of them is promising to protect me, become part of my healing when five seconds later they turn around back stabbing me, becoming an additional part of my pain, my hurt, deepening my old wounds, making my heart heavier than it was before.

How could he? Why would he? I know these are the wrong questions to ask because there is no answer. Most likely very mature baby boy doesn't have an answer himself because he overestimated his maturity. Because he thinks he is such a grown up but really he doesn't even see himself. You can't fuck with identity. I've tried. It's almost impossible. People will believe what they wanna believe about themselves and their meticulous character.

And who is the stupid little bitch dealing with all the immature assholes? Yes the good witch turning into the bad witch. Hurt people hurt people. I can see his hurt but that's not why. It's just simply that he's a coward as well as egoistic like all other men boys.

I was so happy when I came here, telling everyone how organically our connection was evolving, unfolding for all of us, how happy I felt with them, that I was literally becoming a better version of myself. I could see growth and healing although I hate that word. I could see how the connection with them could do me so much good in so many ways. Heal me from so much past pain experiencing genuine interest in me, trust, care, attentiveness, authentic curiosity about who I am and how I feel.

I was wrong. I was wrong. That hope is hard to kill but the pain is overshadowing it all. Why why why why why it is going through my system?? Everything was beautiful as it was and then he came to do what? To prove what? I can't let go of that glimpse he gave me that brought up so much in me, let me connect with myself and feelings I could develop that I didn't feel in some time and then punching me in the face by doing exactly what I ask him not to do. Leaving me behind alone, unprotected, wounded by him himself. Personally when this was all that I was asking from him not to do. To not stab me in the back. But that was too much to ask for. No man to be trusted.

And that little 20 something boy thinks he knows anything about life, talking as if he understood my words when I speak, feel my pain when I tell him. He's blind for it. He can't. He thinks he can speak on eye level with a 38 year old woman who's lived through the most traumatic heartbreaks. Who's built herself up innumerable times, rising like a phoenix from the ashes every single time. Like a friend of mine used to tell everyone in their face who didn't wanna hear it: She's the toughest bitch I know. You can stab her with a knife in her heart and she will rise from it. You'll stab her in her back again, she'll rise even stronger. Try bitch. She's tougher. Rising like a phoenix from the ashes. I feel no one ever beside him described me this clearly within only moments.

So much inside me and if it wasn't for the circumstances I wouldn't waste a single unmotivated thought about this thing and drop it. But in this situation I'm stuck. I'm depending on a not only functioning but loving relationship with them because they will be the only people around me for the next few months inside and out. It's breaking me even more knowing what we could have had, coming here with so much excitement about them and this little boy being able to fuck me from the back, drop me and make me the outsider that I always was. Unnoticed, unimportant, collateral damage for his own agenda. I'm thinking too highly of him even because probably he didn't have one. That's the actual problem.

Then I'm talking about taking over responsibility for his actions and feel even worse because I am not a responsibility. I should be loved, wanted, cared for freely without always having to fight so hard for myself, by myself. To finally being loved and respected as I deserve without having to educate young boys who don't know what they are doing.

I mean Lina what should he do now after all this? What do you expect of him? He's a baby boy, he doesn't understand. Oh yeah what do I expect of him after motivating me to open up to him, after encouraging me to share vulnerable experiences with him, asking me to trust him, to let myself go, let me fall, he would catch me to then see me crashing into the ground because his arms were far from wide open. His arms weren't even anywhere near me when he himself made me fall, watching me to then disappear from the picture... Creating a safe space... Becoming a fake place. Yeah what do I expect? Maybe for him to man up and apologize for being an asshole? Maybe? For being unable to estimate his own behavior towards me? For motivating me to trust, for encouraging me to hurt myself? Yes maybe I would expect that of a decent human being. A little reflection and empathy for what he has caused. Does he truly believe this goes without consequences? Is he really so overly confident in himself that he thinks I'll hold still, keep quiet, do as he's directing without a sound? Does he honestly see this as a mature way of dissolving things? By leaving it out all on me? Having me go through the motions and piss off?

I will never fully get how people keep choosing themselves, their protection, their ego over values. Having others carrying their misbehavior, hurting them and then disappear to not having to deal with it. It's so far from all that I know in my heart. 

It doesn't matter. I can only trust myself, protect myself. I have survived alone everywhere in the world. I will also survive Switzerland if they don't wanna be connected to me. I know I can.  I'm a surviver. I have been all my life. Only this time I was hoping so deeply that I could finally live with people I love and care about. Who love and care about me. That finally my heart's longing was answered. And that stupid little hope makes me so vulnerable to everyone that it's almost unbearable every additional time it gets disappointed. The distance has become bigger than our closeness was before and that's what hurts the most.

Collateral Damage.