Didn’t you say that?
Wasn't it gonna be fun and wasn't it gonna be new?
Wasn't it gonna be different and wasn't it gonna be true?Didn't you say that?Didn't you say that?Is this real or was this just Fantasy or is there a Ghost in my Home...
When the lines become blurry, reality unclear. Bubbles become clouds, foggy moving through the mind. Turmoil, desperation, frustration, pain, hurt, agony, anxiety, fear, aggression, rage, anger, sensitivity, disappointment, shame, guilt... Everything running through the system, shifting from one to the other uncontrollably depending on each moment that I'm exposed to his existence or our interactions.
Confusion becomes the new normal. Confusion and pain. Alternating with rage and aggression. Everything just becomes messy, unbearable inside of me. The more time that's passing the harsher the reality feels of how meaningless I am, how unimportant, how genuine the reality of being overlooked again, having to remain in the dark.
Whenever I feel some strength returning to my system it seems to be just a fleeting moment that has already disappeared a second later when I hear a Hey Lina how are you? or Let me know if I can do anything for you. t feels like he's laughing about my pain. It feels like he's eager to twist the knife in my heart even deeper that he's stuck in there himself. I wanna puke. I wanna scream and cry, punch him in the face. Is he serious? How cruel can a person be to purposely in your face despite seeing how much you're already down torture you when he knows exactly it's about him? I shared every stupid notion of myself with him when I was still hoping it would be answered. When I was still hoping it would be seen. When I was hoping to be seen and heard as he promised. But these times are over. They clearly had passed faster than I could have understood or processed anything still stinging for days. It even seemed like the pain was expanding with each day that it remained in the dark, unseen and unanswered.
Why could nobody see my suffering? That was long not the question anymore. I had to accept that I would remain in the dark without an answer. I just wanted this to pass. Wanted this pain in my chest to go out, to dissolve. I just wanted to feel appetite again, sleep a night through without my tears waking me up, without the pressure in my chest threating to stop my breathing, without the cramps from my stomach attempting to eat itself alive if I wasn't putting any food inside soon.
I just wanted it to stop. To put an end to it no matter how. The days where I had hope that my pain would be answered or any attempt of communication were over. I wouldn't be answered. My ever returning experience was just another one becoming reality and I had to understand how to protect my existence. Again. On my own. Alone despite what was promised. Survival. If only I knew how. I do know how. Since I came in touch with human beings.
Distance. How to create distance... When the mood is shifting every moment of another notion, suddenly getting a completely new nuance that wasn't there before. Hostility, rejection from his side. When a hurtful comment about not sharing his food, pushes me over the edge and I just fade. I fade now because even pretense seems dissolve. He's becoming ugly. He is shifting into anger. Something new. What is this? Is this better?
That night I feel so much hurt that my dams are simply breaking and in the dusk of the night I slowly start sinking to the floor when my the exhaution of my body and mind come to a new low and I finally give in to my tears. The pain is real. Very real. Too real. My tears now are bursting out of my eyes, my arms wrapped around my legs tightly, trying to hold on tightly to what no one has held in a long time.
I'm facing the wall under the window, the fresh mountain air streaming in while the sky is becoming darker and darker. The night wrapping around me like my arms are around my legs, shielding me, giving me protection for all that I'm feeling. For my heart to release. I don't know for how long I'm sitting there before they're returning, laughing, teasing in the kitchen, stinging my heart before she comes to join me in the darkness. She's sitting down in front of me softly asking if I want to be alone. She's hugging me, holding me just sitting, letting me cry. She's asking if something had happened. From her quiet questions I understand that she has no idea what is the reality behind all my pain. She has no idea of the source as he is displaying the same. Making all of us tea with honey to soothe my soul, sitting down on the floor behind me I cannot help but feeling strange, displaces, irritated about this whole scenario.
Coming as the loving caring partner and friend when he is the whole reason for all my sorrow and pain that he brought back the same way I've experienced it throughout my life. Knowingly. Knowing every bit of it, I didn't hide any of it now here sitting with me broken, crying, scattered all over the place still asking me if I needed anything, I should let him know, her reassuring me that they are both there for me.
I cannot grasp it. Another night of mellow sleep, haunted dreams, a heavy heart and an upset stomach.
I don't know what I feel anymore when I wake up in the morning. Like I'm the protagonist of the biggest gaslighting game in the history of mankind. How can a person be so reckless, so confident in his betrayal so heartless and cold? When he's displaying the complete opposite, when I cannot sense that this should be his true nature, that I should have been so wrong about him (yes I have been about most guys and have underestimated their protection strategies as I have now). Yet it's too much. It's become out of control. Out of my control.
I need this to end. I don't care anymore about him being an excellent actor and gaslighter. I need peace. I need soothing, I need love and care. I cannot. I'm drained. It hurts too much, I only need it to stop right here today. I cannot bear one more day in this tension that's tearing me apart inside and outside. My physical body in exhaution from all my intense movement that wanted to drag the pain out through my body.
In all my confusion and with the help of outside voices I must start integrating the idea that he is living in a completely different reality. A reality where he didn't hurt me. A reality where he didn't betray what he promised me. A reality where he cannot connect what I shared with him, lived in front of him, told him, communicated him into truth. Where he seems to have built a very strong defense mechanism to not let get anything into his system, ignore everything I shared with him and stay in a reality where none of that exists. A reality where he didn't do anything wrong. A reality where nothing has happened and he is just oblivious, wondering what's wrong with her.
The assumption of his reality being totally normal without the slightest idea of what is going on with me, no matter how absurd it appears to me, will be the only help I have to catch myself and to bring salvation and dissolve all my pain to bring back harmony to the house.
I hate you, I love you, I hate that I want you, you want her you need her and I 'll never be her. All alone, I watch you watch her
Like she′s the only girl you've ever seen
You don′t care, you never did
You don't give a damn about me
Yeah, all alone, I watch you watch her
She is the only thing you've ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me?
He's singing. How ironic. Deep down I know he knows. You can only deny so much reality to live in peace for yourself.
This day will have to brin change as it was already announced in his unexpected ill will towards me. His hostility slowly coming out as if he is truly at unease not knowing what is happening. When I come to the hotel and he asks me again while I've already turned my back on him how I was doing. What was going on with me, I just turn, not answering as I really have no more tools of how to handle our interactions.
I can barely hold myself. That I haven't become aggressive all this time behaving decently as he should have had the decency to speak to me, is only owed to my emotional maturity; having lived through a thousand times the same situation. Holding space, working through the burdens that men refuse to acknowledge. Carrying glasses into the restaurant he is asking me waht's going on with me. I look at him and say: Maybe you can read my mail again and then we will talk. A situation that's threaten to escalate. He's blindsiding me again pretending he doesn't know what mail I'm talking about. I can't believe how bold and with how much confidence he keeps playing his game, pretending he doesn't know what is happening. At least now he is denying everything in my face. I've put it all out there, put everything on the table. No more gaslighting. I walk out and tell him to stop gaslighting me. He's warning me that our workplace is not the place to take that out. He's right. But also he is too much of a coward to take it anywhere else because he knows exactly what would happen. He knows there can never be a conversation between us where we actually talk about what happened. What was said. For that he doesn't have the guts. He becomes the boy hiding again. Only in a safe environment where I cannot say out loud what really is, he dares to confront me. A weak move.
I leave the restaurant again not knowing if I should laugh or cry. Somehow I giggle a bit while I walk up the stairs. I'm holding it all together alone again. Our boss was sitting at one of the tables. Something is moving even if just for a moment because now at least a confrontation has happened, acknowledging that there is a shit load of undissolved tension from both sides. Confrontation that was so much needed even if it's just for a split second out in the light. Now there is no denial. I mean there clearly is from his side but now he is doing it in my face. Now he cannot pretend doing it in the dark, escaping into a nothingness.
It's not nothing that you mentally and emotionally ghosting me, ignoring me, betraying everything you were displaying to offer. Mental safety, support, care. You betrayed, gaslit and ghosted me. Left me with all that despite all my effort of trusting you, sharing my heart, my vulnerability. You left it broken like all the others before you. Like a coward solely caring about his own protection, without hesitation, easily accepting the pain it would cause on my side.
You chose to turn your back on me, take the easy road for yourself and leave all the heartbreak on me. Leave all that was - on me to solve. Choosing your own comfort over my pain. Sparing my heart for your shame. Your confidence is mind blowing to me. A fake confidence playing in my face without shame. A confidence that's built on breaking trust. One sentence in these weeks could have solved it all in one moment. One simple sentence. Lina, how are you feeling? Should we talk about what happened? How do you deal with it? Are you ok? Done. Nothing would have happened. Simple human decency. And yet... until today you don't have the guts to do the only simple mature thing.
Seems you don't have access to higher values like fairness, honesty or courage to overcome your self protection strategies so you decided to rather burden someone else with the same pain you are avoiding to feel. The actions of an emotionally immature boy.
I wonder if you could act like this if you’d ever seen what I saw, felt what I have. But then... you're a man. A baby boy. And so I stop wondering.
I’m the same real now that you have been from the start. The kind of genuine that includes... except for, unless, but…. Me first. An attempt to monopolize your truth and slowly undermine mine. This will never happen no matter how hard you try. No matter which way you choose. From ignoring, to pretending, to denying to gaslighting. Danger in progress. I came back. It's ok.
I walk out of the dark forest into the light. With nothing on me. Naked. Raw. Plain. Just me my heart and my tears. In harmony.
YOU CAN RELY ON ME. My loyalty. Any time any circumstances.
1L of Gin and my grieving phase will be over for what I thought could be and never has been. Drowned in my favorite drink.
Knowing me knowing you
That's her destiny
Taking me back to both midsummer nights two years before, two weeks before now leaving me scarred the same way. Grieve.
Bearing the sufferings that all others left with me too afraid to confront themselves with the truth, reproducing my old pains when in one unattentive moment I drop my shield, in the one moment I let my guard down and forget everything I know, everything I've learned before through all my heartache and pain and trust the words instead of protecting my heart. Shattered again.
I keep dancing on my own. As I should. Nobody sees me. You’re an artist she says looking me directly in the eye. Telling me all the reasons why. She knows, she sees. More than he ever could.
If I try to give all of this, the best of my intentions no matter my hurt, a tiny bit of a beautiful angle, I will hope all this was to protect your love to her being a better loyal boyfriend than you are a trustworthy companion.
Hope. The one thing that does at last.
Hell to the liars
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