My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Big Magic.  A new part of my journey starts. After all the intensely emotional last weeks, filled with the best people who I could ever wish for, being by my side each step I made, respecting my all being, no loving my all, cherishing it, bringing back my belief in the love in each and everyone, spreading it by telling each how precious we are, how much the world needs each and everyone of us. Connecting to understand that we all are merely different facets of the same thing. The big one. I was lucky to not having had a single minute where I was left alone. That wherever I go I am covered in am energy field of love. From people I only meet for a few days, like again each day now I receive a message telling me that I'm being loved, even that you always will love me. After you took me to the station giving me your notebook that you had for 7 years now it has my name in it. You said I should have it now.  As I sit in the Marshrutka to new destinations receiving yet another messag...

Returning from the rescue, days to process. Weeks to process, back in civilization I enter your house. You're smiling openly at my, start talking as if we've always been friends. "Wow this is like a home" I say. "This is Home" You say. And it is nothing less. It is the safest place I've entered since I left my home, my love, my angel, that I've loved so much in another country. I can see the same in your eyes, the same sparkle, the same kindness, the same care, that I know so well. Your positivity radiating so far out while you're cleaning the bath tub, prepare my bed and try to calm down your daughter, having the food on the stove. "Are you hungry?" You ask me. As if you don't already have enough on your plate. "Anything you want to eat, you can". It's the place I needed. I still so. I wish I could stay. I'm washing the dishes. " Stop. I'm getting angry at you." I know this so well. "I will find...

You said: "When I read your post I thought you were writing about me." I feel uncovered, a bit ashamed. Have you accompanied my heart for months now. Been holding my hand, shed tears with me, shared your heart your mind, your kindness, your love, without knowing each other in person you gave yourself to me, in support. Sending me music, first thing when I open my eyes, moving me to tears, listening to the sounds of your life. Seeing your face or reading your soothing words that seem to know my heart.  Your love never confused me. You are always there. Especially when I feel alone. I didn't forget you. No how could I? I'm so grateful that you came into my life, chose to contact me for reasons I never knew and will also not forget your first words. How you saw my energy, how you cherished my heart. You read the stars for me, all the time. Your knew my birthday in your heart, you made the connection. Every morning you wrote me, asking for my well being, starting my day w...

"You're part of me now" You say. I open my eyes, reading this first thing in the morning. I've heard these words before. It's the words that heal the deepest wounds in my heart. All the pain that I've suffered, still am over the past weeks, months, years, having my love abused, misunderstood, pushed away, broken, suffocated.  "I think I'm falling for you Lina. I'm falling in love with you. I have the feeling I would do anything for you. I need to take care of you. I have hugged no one in three years. I have not felt this for anyone. I can trust you."  Only have I met you a few days ago, stuck in the deepest mountains of Tusheti where the universe made us the biggedt gift - getting to know one another. You came for hiking the night the big rain arrive d destroyed our way back into civilization. "I think the reason I came was only to meet you. I understand that now. I can see the color of your soul. It changed to purple. It makes me happy....

7 am. I hear the thunder. Still. For over 12 hours now, I see another lightening. Eto knocks on the door. She says we can't go down today. She looks concerned. She points her finger at the mountain: "Snow" She says. I laugh. Didn't my good friend ask me before I came here one week ago: "And what happens if the weather becomes shit and you can't go down anymore? It's so late in the season" I was laughing. I still am. The locals know. Mountain people. Did I not wake up yesterday morning going down, Eto hugging me, looking at the two Georgian man eating their breakfast "This is my daughter", the men looking confused "When you leaving? Tomorrow? Day after? Never?" She smiles. I stay.  Two fellow companions only arriving yesterday. Their plans so big. I humble them. I warn them. I say don't go. Wrapped in two blankets, over five layers of clothes, my winter hat on my head, the hoody over it, shivering. They keep making plans. Young...

We meet in your country, your home that has become my home. For now. You're in my country, my city. The city that used to be mine. My home for quite some time. Never crossing paths before but always matching. I live your dream, you live my reality. Our lives wanting to become one always overlapping. Finally touching in reality but you walk away. From the dream that's already reality,always has been. From your home that is my home. From the house, the garden, the seeds we want to plant, the plants we want to grow, the children we want to raise, the Universe we want to create. You walk away from it. The paths separating again. Split in two.  You live in my city, I am in yours. I see you moving into your new home while I move into mine.  A house in the greenest nature. An old Georgian house with little ornaments on the balcony. The vegetables growing in the garden, trees of nuts and fruits creating God's Garden. It's rich, it's full, it's abundance as the Universe ...

Did our love story move my friends to tears. My love story. Reading about it, hearing about it from my ecstatic heart. Did I receive blissful happiness and tears of joy from all sides as if they were my own. Everyone I loved could feel my love as their own. Just the person I loved apparently couldn't. Shut it out, cut it off, built a wall between us. Did I try over weeks to open up the space for us, for our love again and again, trying to dive into the deepest spheres of your soul, create an understanding of who you are, where you stand, even dissolving your problems, transforming your thoughts from the little information I had about your situation while you cover yourself in silence. Not one word from you. Over weeks. You let me burn. Left me alone with my tears once you closed the door, walked out my room, left my life not only physically. If only I had known. Was I so sure of all I felt, all I've seen, all you showed me, all you gave me, all you shared with me. Every minute ...

She puts her arms around me, kisses my face and silently whispers: "You're perfect." "Thank you for being you. Thank you so much for everything, for these beautiful days." "I wish you all the best for your life. Thank you for the good company. You're great person. Hope to see you soon again." "I know we will meet again soon. Thank you for absolutely amazing and honest company that anyone could wish for. I will make some wine and chacha for when we meet again. I think about Christmas. I'm strongly considering it." "You're such a strong woman" My heart filled, overflowing from all your Love. Without having to ask for it. Love is free. This you show me. Over and over again. You just come to me in the exact right moment. Every time right before I hit the ground. Bringing back the light. From all over the world as if I had called for you, have I attracted you, does the Universe answer my heart.  "Go away. Leave me alone....

As I let your words wash over my broken soul healing, more windows open all at once, love piercing through my heart, finding their way into my soul. "If everyone could have one percent of your love and open heart the world would be beyond imagination". Tears splash out of my eyes, running down my face, my heart crushing. In this moment needing nothing more than this soothing of your warmth. "I'm one of these people who wants to tell you 'ey Lina it's enough. You deserve so much more. I've got nothing but respect how you approach everyone with such an open heart, wanting the best for each and everyone, not receiving the same back at times.'" Was I just opening my eyes in the most magical place I've entered, having my mental strength put to the test for days, being faced with the fear of death, overcoming difficult trails, the trails of life, weakening weather, freezing, sweating, hurting, being caught in warmth and care. In the loneliest of pl...

You hike a bit in front of me  as the day before,  giving me the feeling that somehow I cannot keep up. I can't. I tell you to just leave me behind I wasn't as fast as you. Soon the dark clouds move over the mountains and within minutes I'm soaked, freezing cold from the rain and hail pouring down on me, the thunder rising while trying to pick some raspberries. In this stunning wilderness of Tusheti. Right before I reach the village you appear in front of me taking a selfie. I take one for you. I hurry to the village while you take some more pictures as the rain drops roll down on me, shivering I urge into houses, trying to find a place to stay. As we get to one guest house you instantly keep asking for food still outside, pointing us to sit down, insisting on ordering noone understanding us while I'm begging for a shower. Your persistence leads into the host taking your order while I stand next to you looking around how to find a way to get warm. I get out of the place...