My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

And off we go, approaching Kandy lake at the tip for the second time.  After an early wake up and very slow morning, hanging on the terrace under the palm trees, drinking coffee, sitting on the couch, having SriLankan breakfast at 9, doing yoga, picking laundry, we start the second round. I can’t believe how I found that girl. Oh no how she found me, in the camp, picking me up as the stable center of the crying relief group. It feels like we’ve been together forever. Similar energies, synchronizing in all we do, how we do. I get out the shower, I forgot to shave, we’re talking, I’m in the bathroom, getting ready, we’re joking about everything while I pick what to wear. The heat of the day like each day slowly rising, I get hungry.  I will cut the various tropical fruits we bought on the market the day before in our shopping ecstasy. Mango, lemon bananas, orange, papaya, passion fruit, melon, mandarin, banana and fresh yogurt off the clay bowl topped up with Georgian walnuts....

Getting into the Tuktuk together, down the bumpy jungle road, jumping up and down, the four of us girls at least wanting to connect after having spent four days together in silence. The worldly part. Arriving on the one road with two tiny shops, the monkeys throwing mangos at us from the trees.   Back to reality. Not yet. As there is no one capable of changing our 5000 bills, we sit at the bus stop talking waiting for the next bus to Kandy, drinking a coconut, exchanging travel and life details.  Two busses passing us, we have time. Our mind is quite. Not empty, too short was the time but still, aware. Awareness. The word that can change your whole life once you understand practicing it. The next bus stops. The four of us with our big backpacks, jumping on it, squeezing ourselves in as the driver gets going directly into the needle bends, throwing us around in the bus while we’re still trying to get rid of our bags. I have to laugh. The Singhalis trying to hold me, catching my...

Spring breaks.  Womens sharing Circle. „I wanna hold a toast“ To our travels. Being with ourselves. Being happy. Letting men come and let them go. SpringBreak, heart healing. This morning after. After what has happened the day before not even half digested emotional changes, having my eyes open only for a second I dive right into the continuation of my story. My friend stands in front of my tent, coming to me sitting. She’s asking how I’m feeling. I don’t know. I’m drained. I’m hurt. Not much sleep. For days. Tiny Tharu comes, bringing coffee. “How did you sleep?” I tell him. He puts his not understanding face on as if I was in an imaginary world that he never had anything to do with. “I’m sorry for you Tharu” I say. He starts insulting me, throwing the same words at me, telling me that it’s all in my mind, I understand nothing, he only does good. His feelings changed. The little lost, hurt boy inside of him is coming back protecting himself, making me a delusional, blind idiot. “N...

Everything we do in the moment is coming back to us later in life. Good. And bad . Tiny Tharu picking me up, carrying me from the tent across our chill place. This day was still happy.  A coconut a day keeps the doctor away.  No men allowed. Female energy connecting. Finally so much needed after this night that brought out the trouble side of manhood. Drunken nights turning into confused mornings throughout the day. Another female power joining as the beautiful new energy before. Good vibes fighting the pain of the night, recovery. The four of us, supporting our healing, sharing our sorrow and notunderstanding. Trusting our hearts, sometimes not an easy undertaking.  Making our perpetrators equalize, not in blame but in healing our souls. Working through it together. The differences, the misunderstanding in empathy and mean well. Connecting to more. More of us. At the same time trouble moving. The connected one. Just walking into our safe space bringing back the energies....

  He hands me two thousand bills. „You have money?“ I nod. One minute ago he got up, paid my yoghurt as I’d already paid my rice and curry. „I wait for you tonight“. He leaves. I’m still mixing my rice with the spicy sauce, that I was asking from him, stuffing it greedily into my mouth, when he pointed at my necklace. I smile. Last night was draining and electrifying energizing for me at the same time. Catapulted me up the skies into a farther Universe. As my tiny Tharu finds not even the sky the limit, showing me into a new world. For me. „You don’t have to do nothing.“ he’s trying to protect me, provide me the safe space I requested. I didn’t want to believe him. Protecting me as he goes overboard from his heart’s intention into the wrong direction. For me. I can feel his pain. A pain. He wouldn’t know. His kindness a reflection of what he needs as we all do. Care.  As our intentions go in spirals, manifestations will become diverse, colorful as the universe, not always with...

And so my friend says: „it’s not so bad missing out on a waterfall when you’re with him“. Is exactly how I felt.  Going into my yoga practice, waking up my body after some dancing, I’m rolling up on my back Tharu‘s face appears right in front of me. I laugh in surprise, he’s smiling at me. This boyish whimsical smile, the twinkle in his eye. I’ve just finished, he’s sitting down with me, hugs me. We start kissing. What an impeccable timing. „Are you hungry? Did you already eat?“ I’m hungry. It’s already 3pm again. „I can bring you food.“ I shower, we go together on his bike to a tiny local place to get the typical curry buffet again that’s a bliss and culinary explosion every time. „Take the jackfruit and fried lentil burger, a pancake with coconut and honey for dessert“. I love how he’s mixing up all the different curries with the huge pile of rise on his plate, stuffing it into his mouth with his fingers.  We go back on his bike „See it’s better on the bike than walking afte...

It’s from my favorite country. The one that makes me feel like home. Barely awake a smile crosses my face. And my heart. I get coffee “you can stay here” he says. I’m thinking about it. An hour passes. The air is fresh and cool. Time to leave. Time to move. Unstoppable Today. Again. The morning mantra. My phone blowing up with messages from men of the past, thinking of me, knowing me on the island, reconnecting, being in the same place or following. Synchronicity all around, opening my eyes up to paradise, my friend asking me if I wanted tea. I nod laying on my mattress in front of my tent, slowly welcoming a new bright day that feels truly like a miracle after yesterday’s unbelievable synchronicity flow.  Surely it was THE time to go. Right when I’m about to leave two German girls come inside „India is open“. There goes my destination. When my last nights friends take me down in their Tuktuk, drop me off I already have the next best thing waiting for me. The camp. Electric Love Ca...

  And off we go in our private transport, through the jungle, away from the monkeys, peacocks and elephants into the tea plantations, looking to find cooler climate and fresh waterfalls. Starting tired into my day yesterday, waking up with too little sleep the intercultural communication with my taxi friend is taking its toll on me. The first half of the day I experience as so many times a man inviting me for a trip claiming to do a favor as a friend, expecting something else in reality, turning it around, presenting himself as a good man and being the victim of my stopping him. The longer this interaction goes on the more angry and frustrated I get, wasting half the day trying to find a way of where to go and how to get there without my promised ride, finally getting here. As I have other kind helping hands I find myself a local bus and from there on am led by the helpful people working all around me putting me into the right busses (11) and getting me out on spot where before I c...