My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Heute ist Samstag, der 21.05.2021, 11 Uhr  Dancing in the darkness of nature, lights of all colors, flickering, dancing around us to the beat of the music as he comes walking towards me… Looking into my eyes as if he was looking for me, hugging me, introducing himself. My eyes can’t escape him. We start talking, I feel like I’ve always known him. Like he came here only to see me. So we could connect. Connect in a space that I opened up the last days, dismissing people from my life who didn’t serve my well being, who couldn’t appreciate me, cleaning out my closet. Making space for him. Them. 12 hours later.  I got to know a beautiful and interesting person that day and want to see everything through her eyes what she sees on her journey and if possible see the beautiful story of her life. Please let me hear from you.  The first one coming to me, into my house, reading his letter for me, to me, asking me to let him in, when the past tried to make its way back through into m...

  I can feel the heat risin' Everything is on fire Today's a painful re- Minder of why It can only get brighter The further you put it behind ya But right now I'm on the Inside lookin' out, ‘cause I opened all doors for him, one too many times, he shut them all right into my face within the blink of an eye. It appears to me as if The Universe was sending you him as the last test before this journey so you are ready for a new chapter says she who opened the door for him. I feel truth. I knew May would bring change and shifts, growth and transformation, turmoil. Only I didn't know in what ways, connecting all my time here from the first to the last day in a beautiful circle, bringing relief. Relief from all my heartache as the last day has broken. The last days of what seemed endless six months never knowing when they end or where they started. From India to Germany and backwards. All coming back to me in a rush, a flash of time and people when I'm about to leave...

I have ADHD so I cannot really focus on reading your messages and I just developed that habit of selective listening so I just didn’t really listen to your voice message. You know my judgemental mind was thinking why is she telling me all this… It's five in the morning. Again I'm lying in bed, thinking about his words. Thinking of how we could rebuild a connection that could possibly be different from the one we had. A stable one, a healthy connection where I can trust him, he can be there for me, show me that he cares about me as a human being. A person with a heart. I can’t believe what I'm hearing the words coming out of his mouth. I'm in shock. There is this split second of space in between where I try to feel deep inside of me as he keeps talking like a watefall while I'm in my head in total disbelief of how he could possibly say such arrogant things to me. How he could possibly degrate me on such a low level and not even noticing it. Have I not noticed him...

  Not to open up any old wounds but...have you ever heard of that last love of yours since you returned? Half a year has passed, not a word on no channel. Returning from the other side of the world I made sure to cut the connection. Too overwhelming the pain. Too much trauma that I needed to digest, to somehow transform. Nothing ever heard of him again. Hearing her say the words I get this feeling, like the energy of the Universe is shifting, like she's opened a gate. Today was the day. Like last week when in all seriousness all my old feelings came washing over me, ever since not wanting to end in all different shapes and colors of loss, heartbreak, connection, love, vulnerability, courage, intimacy...the whole spectrum of what the Universe has to offer. Ten days of encounters, shifts and transitions. Where did it start?  When one morning over a week ago the door rang at 8.20, pulling me out my sleep. Things started to go around. The love and the heartbreak, the resolution, ...

Same topic, different angle. What's with all the autonomy talk within relationships? All these " new modern alternative concepts" for relationships. Polygamy, open relationships, relationships with multiple partners claiming: This really works when you trust your partner(s). We are not made for monogamy. It's not natural blabla and we can love multiple people at the same time. When we all have an open communication these concepts can work.  I understand the idea behind all kinds of arguments concerning these new types of relationships that claim the basis is a healthy confidence and being at peace with yourself, liking yourself, loving yourself, knowing your worth. If you had a healthy confidence there would be no problem trusting yourself and therefore your partner so much that you wouldn’t mind them being in another romantic or intimitate relationship outside of yours.  However, I see the whole trend more from another point where people are less and less ready to c...

Crying my soul out, grabbing my sheets, I move up and down my bed, sobbing bitterly from deep inside like a child totally exposed to my pain without any protection, no defense. Just pure heartbreak loneliness from the core. As if it’s moving through space coming from all times, all old pain suffered, accumulating, coming together to be released, finally wanting to be relieved, set free. All the abuse, hurt, the broken promises of love, a life together, the broken trust, leaving me in pieces, fractures of myself fighting through it so it wouldn’t destroy my heart. My soft, giving heart that I’d handed to him, feeling deeply how I want him to care for it.     Broken. All broken. Reliving all these intimate moments that I was crying tears of joy in belief I had found a person to rely on, a safe space, belonging for now and ever on through my highs and lows. But I was far from the truth.   It’s you. Only you. I’ve never felt anything like this before. You’re an angel, all the...