My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Finishing off her messages, I feel as deeply touched as I haven't for a very long time. Her soft, soothing voice, sharing her most inner feelings with me, reconnecting after drifting apart for a while, making sure I was aware of what I mean to her. Repeatedly, she goes into her thoughts, slowly letting me be part of them. I love you so much, I need you to know because I do not think I have told you enough. At least I feel I want to let you know more than I have in the past weeks. And I'm sure we will have so many more opportunities where I can tell you and where I can be with you, holding you in my arms, making sure you know how much you mean to me. I wish I would have done more when I was with you. I regret it but it is what it is and I can see in the future how we will be together. You would love Romania. I wish I would have seen more of Albania,   I know you are going to Georgia now, this would be a nice tour. Albania, Romania, Georgia. Maybe it was her energy that lead you ...

 Now I know what your smile reminds me of . I'm refilling the fridge with beer, water and lemonades. It's early morning. I look at him. It reminds me of the Buddhist monks in Nepal. You know, not quite obvious but always there. I feel so deeply touched by his words. I get goosebumps. I feel the truth. I remember my time in the Himalayas of northern India, living for months in the energy of Buddhist monks, not to mention the most powerful of all, the Dalai Lama himself. My mind going back to when I laid eyes on him, feeling his holiness, tears running down my face, as if the holy spirit herself has touched me, just as my tears are splashing out again when I’m telling my friend a few hours later what this man saw in me. Remembering that moment as to what I felt in the energies of all these Tibetian monks, their kindness, their consideration and hospitality, this selflessness in the crowd of everyone only wanting to have a little glimpse of Him for once in their life, the one and...

… from the person who claimed being the best man I can find in Albania, I find myself sitting on a table with a person who seems much closer to the best version of a person than the one who saw himself in that bright light. Calm, considerate, open, sensitive, easy we talk. We talk about what’s concerning us, has been concerning us for her as we have been caring so much for her over a long time. Easy understanding without pressure, natural. Should be a surprise to the one who in seriousness defined himself as „the best“ whatever that was supposed to mean. The further away this moment the more ridiculous it appears to me. Can a person really say such a thing and mean it? And what kind of perception of the world must create such a narcissistic personality masking the heart to shield it from any emotional human experience? When I told him in the car to the camping what my values were and that I very clearly now knew what I needed and deserved and what not he asked me how I would figure tha...

 ... Let them go , she says looking at me with her soft caring gaze. I know. She's right. After multiple days have passed faster than I noticed them going by, I start forming a complete picture of the three day experience with him. The puzzle pieces fitting together. I receive a message from him, that hits the same note as our incomprehension for one another when we were together. His horizon so limited in what he sees and how he understands the world, so closed off, so small and full of borders he fails to see, yet so sure of the opposite. Our manipulative mind wanting to tell us that we know so much, we know so much better, so much wider than others, making us blind and limited in our beliefs and capability to learn, grow, expand. Keeping us small and limited, stuck where we are as we only believe what we want to believe, hear what we want to hear and see what we want to see.  Going back to the day of his leaving, I again reflect upon situations with her.     ...

Riding in the bus on the way to finally encounter the person who would help guiding me through the last days, a young soul is sitting down next to me. A smile across his face, curious like his young nature, he starts asking me endless questions. The small energy about to connect me to the big one. The one I didn't know yet, the one older in age. Two energies in different times, there to reflect my journey on me. My own journey.  Three full days later much more aware than before I can gratefully see where my journey lead me. How my processes have shaped me and my learnings guided me to not accept less than what I deserve. To not let myself settle for not being appreciated enough, not seen, heard or cared for in the way the I deserve. Not supported, understood or listened to the way I need it. Finally practicing what I've been learning in theory since my heart got broken last. Understand when a person doesn't bring the same energy to love me, to care for me, a person who does...

Sad, annoying, I become frustrated. Albania seems to be your country.  That’s what she says from the pictures. Well it’s what I thought. Two years ago. Now tourists running over this town that used to be so magical. Construction sites everywhere, building up large guest houses, bridges, roads, walls, concrete, concrete, concrete. In the midst of this beautiful paradise of crystal clear water pools, turquoise rivers and splashing waterfalls, icy cold water holes, sources of clear pure life.  An agitated couple arguing in a mixup of Spanish and English with the cashier in the little shop that is filled up with ice creams, beers, all sorts of snacks and even fruit and vegetables. The young Albanian man behind the counter is indifferent, telling them how to get cash while he’s trying to cheat me for 1000. I ask him for the 1000, he claims I didn’t give them to him. I get serious, talking back to him. With the same indifference in his face, not looking at me he hands me the green 1...