Safe Space

 
You're a thief. It's the morning after he had me fired. We're in the kitchen. Even after everything he had done to me I thought he must feel guilty about this. Having someone fired in his name for no reason. He doesn't He's cold as a rock. Cruel. He looks at me in disgust. Telling me that I deserved it. That this was all my fault. That he had no nothing to feel bad about. A cold hearted stone.

I cannot believe what's happening. What's been happening over all these weeks since he had started using me as his tool and I was stupid and sensitive, considerate enough to doubt myself and asking myself what I've been doing wrong and what my part was in all of this while he kept pulling through with his master plan.

When I now finally thought this had all found a terrible ending, when he had been more scrupulous and cold hearted than I could have ever expected or imagined the real terror had only just begun. 

He had convinced his girl with soothing smoothing words to jump on his train and support his narrative to freeze me out. Freeze me out when I already had been frozen for weeks and was on my way to leave because of his scociapathic, self absorbed-righteous actions.

They had other plans, creating a whole theatre to frame me. To pinpoint theft on me, make me an evil perpetrator. A wrongdoer, a villian. So obvious, so striking that I thought everyone must see. But nobody did. She certainly didn't. His smooth talk convinced her easily to frame me with him. No boundaries no values. No nothing for them to self reflect or see in any way what harm they were causing. Humanly. Personally. Purposely hurting me, creating a whole story, a narrative around me to protect themselves and not look at their actions.

When she's asking me if I stole the coffee, the coffee that I had brought for them to Switzerland without even ever asking for money I know it's over. I know he won. Making up such an absurd story where they use the things that I gave to them to turn it around and blame me for taking them I know there is nothing left. No understanding of human nature, of anything but only to selfish protection for their self made narrative about me. I am so confused about the question that I don't even wanna get into any conversation anymore. And the pasta. Yes the pasta that I brought and out of goodwill put into their shelf now used against me as well. Everything I had brought for them and given for free, used against me as evidence now. Twisted.

I cannot blame her much for her own blindness thinking she's a feminist and good hearted person as much as him but he's very well managed to get her into his boat. Only minutes before I considered sharing things with her to warn her, to protect her as I had been trying all along for both of them but then I see how she's totally blindfolded in this whole scenario from him.

It's interesting and scary at the same time to see how quickly people are to judge and blame when it serves their own well being, narrative and protection. What I've been saying all along seeing it taking place. People who don't know themselves are the most dangerous. Slaves of their minds. They will believe whatever it is their mind is telling them, whatever it is that keeps them from looking at their own nasty behavior. It's been so much easier to take out all their difficulties on me than to look at their crumbling relationship.

The first one who doesn't have any twisted questions or misunderstandings is my dad. The one who usually is so objective and rational, shining the light on all different sides of the people involved seems to see the danger directly and is quiet. For him the situation is clear without even knowing the story this time. But he's my dad and he's a professional about the human psyche and he's experienced these kind of stories with all kinds of clients throughout his work history, even in his own office while they remain children trapped in their own mind. Green behind their ears. Knowing nothing about their mind, psychology or their own coping or protection mechanisms. Kids who don't understand what they're doing, easily without hesitation framing someone, taking the existential base of someone away as if it was a game.

The overwhelming response I get from all sides and angles, from my parents and friends, having no questions about the situation, directly understanding what is happening is something that regrounds me, brings me back to myself somehow, strengthening my back. Myself that I've had lost over all these weeks being questioned, doubted and framed for things I hadn't done. like a criminal. Without even knowing big parts of the plot.

When my sweetest friend writes me how angry she is about being framed as a thief, I slowly feel truth spreading inside of me. They know me. For them no one could ever make up such an absurd story to even believe the tinest part of it.

My dad instantly recognizing how obvious the framing of  victim-perpetrator role reversal is, taking all their things, locking their room as if I was taking things. Too simple, too obvious, while I become scared to my bones of what they're capable of doing. I would find out soon. 

Only a day before I am leaving. Already am I almost gone. A few days they needed to hold up the play and emphasize it, make it even bigger to protect themselves from their own ugly actions. 

When I have nothing left, as I already had days and weeks before they start a meticulously planned agenda to scare me, to mob me, to hurt me before I leave. Taking out there stuff and making me look like I would steal wasn't enough. The last day before I leave they decide to do their final strike when I am out in the early morning for a run, to catch some air, to survive the last moments in this hostile environment to make me feel unsafe. To make me feel scared in my sleep that I've had already gotten too little of.

Returning only over and hour later I find my milk disappeared from the fridge that I'd only opened two hours before. Payback. My whole body paralysed when I look at the door of the fridge, empty. They had moved out the night before but apparently they had decided to do one last mission to make me feel as uncomfortable as possible in a place that I used to feel safe in, a place that I thought could be my home for a while.

I get goosebumps. My brain starts to become very slow. It's like a horror movie, like ghosts entering the house. I know what had happened but I'm inclined not to trust my eyes. I know. I had known for long but I didn't wanna see. They stealing things from me as an act of righteousness, an act of framing. It feels unreal. No one has ever done such terrible things to me when all I did was giving and trying to find companions on my way. But they clearly didn't want me on their way at no point.

Whoever I'm speaking to throughout this period whoever is talking to me, directly sees, knows what's happening and most importantly I understand they see me. Without saying a word. They become angry, astonished, heartbroken for me knowing, saying all the same things. Lina, you're a giver. This is insane. No questions. How could they do this to you? You need to leave. Get out of this toxic environment. The Universe did me favor. It always does. 

Even days later I get concerned texts and calls from people who love me, asking how I've been holding up. Where I am, what I'm doing and if I could finally heal from this horrific experience. I'm numb. I'm drained. I'm empty from people who used my kindness and my heart to outplay me, get rid of me to deny their own problems to not look in the mirror and ask the hard questions. Ask themselves who they are and who they wanna be.

The Universe has done me a favor. And it hurts. It's hard at times and so beautiful at the same time when I realize how many amazing, beautiful souls I have gathered in my life throughout my journey who understand lies when they see them without explanations, doubts or questions. Who are there directly to support me and get me out of the horror that I've been entangled in.

I could not ask for better souls in my life who see me more clearly than I ever knew. They pick up the phone, the car, open their house, their minds and souls without hesitation to help me, to safe me, to support me and make sure I'm in a safe space when needed. 

No matter through how much hardship I've been over the past weeks and months, throughout how much manipulation and hostility towards my person, the reward of the people who love me is priceless and invaluable. Love. True love. For everything I am. Whenever I am. Wherever I am. Whoever I am.