Tripple D or The Puzzle of the Ice Berg

 Defensive, Deflecting, Delulu ❤️

It's been a ride. Such a ride. A ride of ups and downs and back and forth. A roller coaster that won't end, pushing me to my emotional limits. My nervous system slowly crumbling. My heart fading. 

It all had started so beautifully. I want this to be beautiful I thought, I wrote, I felt when he already had started to play his games with me. I could not see. Again my naivity and idealism blinded me, I wanted to believe the best. Wanted to believe that someone wants my best. That someone cares, someone acknowledges, someone comes to see me. Someone is interested in my well being, my being at all. I was wrong. I was blindsided, I was fooled. Fooled by a boy who keeps living his moods, serving his ego with no intention of learning, growing or getting to know himself but only serve his own needs, totally identified with his ego with no capability to step out of his tunnel. His poisoned view, his self idealized world where he believes what he thinks, what he sees, what he feels. An average case of a slave of mind who has not yet started to explore his own nature. Danger. That could be the fourth D in the row.

Incapable and unwilling to see the bigger picture, the different layers and dimensions of a situation, unable to question his own belief systems, thoughts and actions he's running around in the world with; a vision of self righteousness. In tunnel vision of the only path, the only truth he can see. His egocentric mind. Telling himself what is wrong and what is right, judging, flattering himself, bashing and blaming others, creating new chaos to support what he thinks he already knows. Thrashing around like a lost leaf in the wind controlled by his moods. His mind, his ego. A self fulfilling prophecy.

No grounded human being, no man, no person who means well for someone would cause such dramatic scenes, punishing the one who did something you didn't like unjustified harshly without ever giving the benefit of the doubt that maybe you could have a different view on the entire situation. Considering his own part, his doing in all of it. Could I have unconsciously suggested that it was ok because we’ve shared things before? Could it show she felt comfortable enough to trust enough that she would tell you she did it? That this was coming out of a place of comfort. Of a place where the other person thought there was friendship, a connection, an understanding, a compliment to the relationship you had where you didn't have to be scared. She was wrong. You did not have an understanding. She shall not feel comfortable around him. She had to be scared of his unpredictable limited nature. Manipulation. A whisper I couldn't here. Seeing a person with a self critical mind, using it for your own protection of agenda. Whatever it may take even if it means destroying parts of that person's life. Using their heart, mind and benevolence toward you.

Blowing things out of proportion whenever it suits the case. Power. Control. Unkind and selfish. Boundaries. You crossed a boundary he's screaming like a child, I'm a thief he will frame me later, translating the situation into my whole personality, claiming I'm not to be trusted, suggesting malicious intentions. Using the situation to make me look bad, like I'm the fault. I'm the wrong one, I cannot be forgiven. I shall be shown what I'm to do and what not to do. Like a parent punishing their child. His rules. -And he will teach me well only a few days later when he has me kicked out of my job and my home, terrorizing me even more before I leave so I will not a have a single safe memory of him and his mistress-

And to take a look at the other side... Did I ever for anything that was done from the other side talk in such a reprehensible way?

Despite putting me through hell for weeks, refusing to talk to me, watching me break in front of right there, using me for his own ego trip to check out his market value with me only to then drop me and put me in pain that he promised he wouldn’t put me through that he was different, that I could trust him when he didn't know what I was even saying, words with no meaning to then watch me slowly fade in front of his eyes… When I baked him birthday cookies while he was putting me through living hell, abusing my trust, leaving me behind, manipulating me into silence. Trust me I'm not like the others only men say who are exactly like the others because they are blinded by the same poison. Egomaniacy. I should have learned that by now from all the others before him. The most dangerous boys in the world. The ones who can't see. Who don't understand. Who refuse to learn, refuse to take on responsibility or emotional maturity.

After all this I'd never spoken in such a degrading way to him, didn’t judge or dispraise him. But still protected him and tried to help him see what he's caused instead of blaming him for it. 

But no… you can’t see. Because you don’t understand. As you said it yourself. You don’t understand neither my nor your own words, you have no respect for them and so they carry no weight. They’re worthless, have no meaning because they’re merely a means of use for you to fulfill your own agenda. Your own convenience and opportunistic notions. A self serving way of actions. Nothing more. No consideration for what it could mean for someone else to act in such immature ways.

All these empty promises that come out of your mouth when they suit your own personal purpose. We're are a team. It’s us against our employers. I’m gonna speak up for us at the next meeting. Nothing. A coward. A small minded child. A self absorbed little boy.

The good thing is that my English is so good that we can have a relationship and communicate in the right way. D number three is coming into the game when he's talking about the idealized version of himself that he's created. Delulu coming through. His broken English which barely gets him through the daily superficial small talk. That's his language skills he's referring to. I almost choke on my drink when I hear it accompanied by another statement of him in Lala-Land. I never used a girl for any selfish purpose or something with similar meaning he's confidently sharing. It's like he's literally living on a different planet with absolutely no reflection for his own skills or actions. LaLa Land, Pippi's planet. His level of understanding his own mind is an absolute catastrophe. Neither does he have any awareness of his poor linguistic skills nor of the fact that he's solely using women for his own ego-driven purposes.

Watching them day in day out my view of their relationship has turned a 180 degrees. From seeing with my biased loving idealizing eyes a cute couple that is matching well I can only see an immature sabotaging boy who doesn't understand that love isn't having someone by your side to make you feel better about yourself, having an unbalanced unequal relationship where he is trying to protect his ego and self image. May it cost what it will. Even if another person's well being needs to be sacrificied to protect his blind mission.

Have you figured out her needs, her love language, how she needs to be held when she's hurt, how she needs you to apologize when you fuck up?? Do you know any of her mind and spirit, her communication? And how could you know anything when you know nothing about yourself even? When you can not differentiate between manipulation, sabotage, deflection, projection, defense, protection mechanisms? When you don't see a self fulfilling prophecy when it's hitting you in the face? How could you ever know someone when you don't even have an interest to know yourself?

Why do I see how do I recognize all this artificially created drama? Because I used to do the same and not see. So stuck in my own world of manipulating and sabotaging relationships for my own ego. For me to show myself how right I am. And yet I would have never manipulated anyone causing them so much intentional harm, blaming them, framing them, manipulating them. I would do this for myself, protecting them. That's the big difference.

Everything hidden in the dark. The ice berg, the unconscious mind, sleeping peacefully, unseen, blindly inside him, invisible under the water. Only coming out in the mirror of other people. He refuses to see. I don't understand. You're manipulating me. He's confused. Remaining in the same dark spot, blaming the outside world instead of looking inside, making his shares that are so deeply hidden accessible, visible, approachable, healable...

Alarm, can you hear the sirens?

Capacity can be learned- everything can be.

Formally doing everything correctly, nobody can prove anything wrong with you but humanly a mere catastrophe.