Exhaution

 I'm sitting on the couch as I have been for an entire week now. The cat is playing with its snack ball since he's disappointed that I've stopped cuddling him for 10 hours a day laying on the sofa reading romance novels. I'm drained. I'm weak. I haven't felt this week in a long time. 

The only times I can remember is all the last times returning to Berlin after years of traveling. Returning to her space. Having her space to myself. Sleeping. I remember how she said four years ago when I first returned She's going to sleep at 8 and then I see her again 12 hours later. It's exaclty what's been happening over the last week. 

It's like I'm clued to the couch. Whenever I try to move, to do something for my body, it's struggeling. I move myself out in the mornings after I wake up with the little pet that wants to eat, putting on my running clothes, going to the park for a jog which is becoming more like a walk than an exercise. I'm trying to be active but my body is giving in. It's not capable of any movement besides moving between the couch and the fridge. 

Me trying to go take a swim has become me walking to the supermarket. Each day I'm hoping I'll wake up with a trunk full of energy ready to move and end up on the couch. Still. Grabbing a book to read, the cat looking at me meowing to cuddling. Curling up onto my body, under my arm, beside my foot or on my chest.

I haven't felt that drained in a long time. Like my body is processing what my mind has been through for too long. For too many weeks and months. Without realizing how much energy it's been taking from me. Working through it. Living through it, holding my energy up, going outside into nature, walking, running, dancing, exercising.

I wonder if the rebound can come so much later. But then.... Who am I? Why can I not accept what my mind and body have been telling me over such a long period of time for when I first broke down mentally, when my whole nervous system had realized that I was being used it did quite the opposite.

I became unstoppable. Unbeatable. Full of energy, fighting, thriving physically despite denying my body the physical energy it started building, working, moving, taking all the darkness out physically.

Now I'm here. Drained. Waiting, hoping for my energy to return when I don't even know what I'm here for. 

It must have been tough. Apparantly everyone from the outside can see it better, more clearly than me, not questioning why it is that all I'm doing is... Nothing. Resting. Existing without any further agenda to what may come. No plans.

Every morning I wake up with another empty day. Something that other people would kill for while I'm hoping for rebound. I don't know what it is I'm waiting for. All I'm doing is existing in this hole. In this hole, isolating myself from the outside from where I am. A place that's always been taking my energy one way or another.

Acceptance is the one word that comes to my mind. Accepting what is. Being instead of fighting when I don"t even know what I'm fighting for. When I don't even know what it is I should be doing.

Sometimes I waste a thought on the people who have done that to me wondering how they can live with it. But then I know they don't. For they don't know what they do. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter for all the hardship they have caused me for all their blindess that they're living in. 

This is me trying to recover from all the harm they have caused me without consideration, without thinking twice, without reflecting but only protecting. 

All the insights I had gained throughout the time at early stages that they don't wanna be friends, that they didn't care about anything but themselves still not anchoring inside of me leaving me vulnerable by staying open wanting to connect.

My ever lasting tragedy. My ever understimation of what people can be capable of because it's never about me at the very last not about protecting me. 

It hurts. It's uncomfortable. It's disappointing and depressing. I guess this is what my physical body is now showing. Depression. Something I have not been really familiar with. The anxiety that I've experienced there which was also an unfamiliar notion for me now turning into that depression that feels very heavy. Something I'm usually not prone to which makes it even more difficult to bare.

Usually I know what to do. I know how to fight, I know how to stand against it, I know how to go through it but now... Here I am frozen. Frozen from all the damage that was done to me with the people causing it coming out shining bright, living on their life as if nothing had happened.

Sometimes small snippets of what they've accused me of rise up in my mind and I can't believe how twisted their minds have worked for to blame me, make up such horrible stories about me. 

I was in the dark. They never saw me, never acknowledged me for any of what I am. They have never recognized any of who I am and what I'm doing. How else would someone be able to make up such horror scenarios and pull through with it in reality without any shame?

How are human beings possible of acting so cruel towards others without any reason? (Neglecting the reason of self protection. I know). I just cannot grasp how dangerous the human mind is becoming when you do not know how to use it. How it leads you into hurting and harming people so deeply without any shame, any guilt or self doubt. How deep the mechanisms when it comes to saving our own ego. Our own identity.

The human species the only one that is working that way, slowly but rapidly killing itself. Killing itself by only watching out for themselves. Survival when there is no need to survive but to connect. When in connection their is survival.

But not only that. There is growth, there is building, there is healing, cocreation, love, bonding, expansion and so much more. If only we were capable of overcoming our own egoic mind. Our self absorbtion. Our internal survial mechanisms.

And yet all of this doesn't matter because here I am philosophizing about it as I have been for over a decade playing a role in all the same scenarios without knowing how to shield myself. How to protect my soul without being (ab)used. Without being harmed.

Drained. Unknowing. Back on the ground. Trying to learn from it. Trying to understand better how to become closer to myself. Trust myself more deeply. Go earlier when people show me what's inside of them. Trying to feel when it's time to step back. When it's time to let go before things become too dangerous for my body and soul.