My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

  ჩემი გოგო he says, coming home, crawling into his bed right next to me. It's late. Or early. His breath smells from alcohol and tobacco. Oh I'm so drunk Lina. I had so much fun with my friends. I can't help but feel fully happy with him. Despite the early morning hour and my tiredness, I am glad I'm awake to receive his drunk affection. I missed you. I really wanted to hug you when I came back home you know. I felt it with all my body, not just in my mind, I could feel it in my flesh. He keeps murmuring in his sweet drunkenness, burying his head in my neck. Why are you even awake? He's asking while I hold him close to me, my hands in his hair, my lips on his neck. I could sense you were coming I say. Only minutes before he came back home, I slowly woke up like I could feel he's coming back. You're a witch,   ჩემი გოგო , he repeats like he has many times before. I love this sweet drunk version of him. I love how he has been looking forward to come back t...

Easy. A. Or easy A. No one has ever made me wanna give up on humanity like he did. On mankind to be precise. It’s my own fault because there is no other person naïve enough giving uncountable chances to one and the same person who’s never showed anything else but interest in himself despite the bright moments where I think I feel a connection through his words, hoping this time he would actually mean them and understand them and yet… surprise but no surprise it’s always only about him and his own reasons. Whenever his selfish reason is covered he would directly disappear again. Just like yesterday. Yesterday when he’s asking to call me after he’s read my analysis about him. He surprises me with praise and acknowledgement and a sense of me having moved something inside of him. Having seen things inside of him, he hasn’t become aware of himself. Ah he knows just all too well what I need to hear to regain hope. Everything I’m living for. He’s always been a master in it. That’s how I k...

Tell me if he’s replying she says I have faith in him I say. I’m positive he can understand when he reflects upon it. Maybe he will take time.  I was wrong. Neither did he take time, nor did he understand. It takes only minutes when I get a reaction. She was with me all day, reflecting upon my messages as I was trying my best to be clear, honest and kind in my communication. Wanting to be fair, open and communicate from a place of love and not anger. It didn't seem to bring my desired outcome.  I can't believe he would just end the friendship like this, with this message. And if he would, then it is not a friend of yours. She is speaking my mind. You don't speak to people that you care about like that. She is clear as I am. She is not trying to tell me what I want to hear. She tells me her honest opinion. The first message I could understand that he would see this maybe as an "attack" [...] sometimes it's hard to see the intentions behind the words as you o...

 From butterfly to bumble bee. Returning to my home, strolling around as usual on a Saturday afternoon, soaking in the vibes of my favorite city. I'm debating with myself how to make new connections. Between my old ones, returning from this human disappointment, processing the changes with my love and creating new ones. New ones that may hold the opposing mirror of what could be. Who could be.  As the Universe is kind as always it takes me no more than a few messages in exchange with a handful of people to receive the ones that catch my attention. Not because they are unique. Not because they are attractive or extraordinary but quite the opposite. They are humble, they are quiet, they seem sincere. How are you feeling is the beginning and my reply of not knowing how to answer this  good question is all it takes as the person on the opposite end seems attentive enough to sense what this means. Not forceful but offering an ear, he is asking me if I wasn't feeling good. He ...

  An even more beautiful woman wearing the top ❤️❤️❤️ That's when I realize he is nothing special. In her tears, through her tears. In the mirror of her heartbreaking existential pain, I find my own.  We cannot reach them she says. And so she is right. Go to the mountain and scream it out but don’t talk to him. Nothing you say will ever reach him. I wish  you never waste a single drop of energy on him again. I hope this was the last encounter with him in your life. Mirrors mirrors mirrors all the same.  My own messages returned to me by them.  Like when I told her a month ago that I saw so many similarities to my story and that I am afraid that this really is only an illusion as I had to learn it the hard way myself. Not once. Not twice... Here we are today. Trice. In the expected situation. Only hers is acute and mine is old and dormant. Dead. Disappearing. Ghosting. All he knows how to do. Please don’t disappear again he says before I am leaving. Only a sh...

Like an idiot I search my little fanny pack again and again as if I could find what the security couldn’t at the airport. Find what could turn the truth as if it could be relieved because I don’t want to believe how much of the same boy he is like I got to know him two years back. Same same but different. But not different. Walking over Dry Bridge, back home in the capital, my intuition sends an impulse through me, a realization. A memory. Not from my brain but like an old knowledge how I bought my lighter here. Like remote controlled I directly enter the tiny shops as if I knew what I would find. My lighter. The exact one that he claimed to be his. For no apparent reason. One of these representations like back then. Claiming things for himself, denying to do so. Taking instead of giving. In need as if he hasn’t received enough in his life to be able to give.  It is so far away from my reality to understand such behavior as there is not a single person in my life who would ever rem...

… I will miss it. So much. See you later,  Lina Ji. I smile. It touches my heart. From Mam to Lina Ji , my form of  being seen. I’m in the mountains of Parvati valley. Surrounded by the snow peaks. Away from my fairy forest, where Lina Ji started from a place that was home before and has become that even more this time through building friendship, clearing up the past, connecting on a new level. Conversations about what has happened back then with Jay and how he’s done what he’s done to me to others and how he’s been excluded from the community now. This is your home Lina Ji . They make sure of it. One day trip becoming two days as the beauty is getting to a place deep in my heart, too hard to resist. A place that gives me peace, creates a safe space, for now where times become fragile. Arriving my heart has no questions for this place but to stay. A day for myself. With myself. All on a sudden everything changes. Walking to this magical place I feel in my heart that this ...