My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Have I not lately thought a lot about unconditional love, reconnecting to my heart, come into my pure love sharing it with the people closest to me having me moving into tears frequently because I can't believe my luck being carried through this world by these amazing spirits embracing all of me when this is not exactly what I have learned from my parents. Where right into the topic - neither have they received this unconditional love  from theirs and so on tracking this chain of generations of genetics, teachings and upbringings probably back uncountable years. We have learned that being loved by our parents underlies certain conditions that can come in all variations from bringing home good grades, being "friendly", well behaved, strong, behaving "appropriately" to not showing feelings and emotions. Growing up we needed to understand that we have to work for love, to achieve love, behaving a certain way, embodying a specific personality, fitting into a particu...

  Growth. Development. Learnings. All this is what many of us are looking for in life. To live to our fullest potential. Live our dreams, come into our hearts, in trust, in happiness, succeeding in what life is about for us. In order to get there we try to collect knowledge, intellectual information to learn about things from whatever sources they may be. This is the basis for learning on a theoretical level. Building a deposit of information that interest us in order to understand meanings, discover connections and create new concepts, understandings and learnings. By taking this first step we sometimes become mistaken by our minds telling us that now we've acknowledged new ideas, perceptions and perspectives, believing we have already integrated it into our beings. This is not so. It's that clever trick of our egoic mind fooling us into stopping truly developing, changing and in the end transforming our thoughts, feelings and behaviors to live our greater potential.  In orde...

 Tinder. A symptom of our time. Used in all kinds of ways. For some of us it might be a digital search engine for our soulmate, for some for new friends, for others to connect to people in places you don't know. Having been on and off the App it never really did for me what I was looking for maybe because I wasn't really looking for anything. Giving it a new approach in an unknown environment it opened up many different doors for me. In search of a place to sleep in a city that's too expensive for the living and too cheap for the dying I started tindering hoping for a couch as options seemed limited. Getting easily in contact with many people in a short amount of time I did not only connect to interesting people but also found information on my travel plans without even having to ask for it. Help, support and open doors. Meeting one of them after just a short exchange going for the mutually needed walk I found an excellent conversation partner, an open heart, a brave soul, ...

 Saturday: 1.30pm Confused sadness. But no negativity. Being around now for a few weeks being in complete and total love at all times I felt that subliminal sadness crawling inside of me last night, slowly and noticeable. It's no suffering, I don't feel darkness or pain I just feel this longing inside of me to belong. Belonging. To a place, a person for that matter. Being surrounded by amazingly beautiful people spreading their love has made it more than easy for me to be in mine as well... Last night as I went to his place with my most lovely friends, my hearts, my lovers, my most beloved people that I could never get tired of spending time with growing, laughing, sharing at all times in the most connected sense I have known or felt..it could not interrupt the sadness quietly moving through me into my heart feeling this tiny empty spot, this whole, this dark cave that I couldn't shine the light on in the feeling of not being in the place I should be. Even being in the clos...

 ...Waking up to this sentence expressed by wonderful young, open hearted beings when I have just opened my eyes to a new precious day in this world would make my heart smile and smoothly and gratefully bring me into brightest light feeling exactly as they would call it out. In love, in happiness, in feeling precious, beautiful, wanted and loved. Neither time it would be my partner or anyone I had an affair with. It would come from deep friendship, love that was given to me for free. Unconditional, open and spontaneously.  It might seem like a stereotype but waking up to this very simple sentence this morning made me realize how happily lucky I am and the other way around. Fully taking it on, feeling like a princess being carried through the days by these wonderful spirits by my side being part of my life without seeing it coming before. Each morning being able to have another amazing home that has been offered to me and receiving the same care and love over again as I couldn'...

When you're in the mindset of having  the right mindset, you're in the wrong mindset. 

 Water. Our natural source of energy, of life. Probably many of us have heard the sentence "Be water my friend". This sentence again and again brings out a big fascination in me. It carries this depth and eternal truth about our being, our nature of pure energy, the life force and how we function that I feel I need to explore it a bit more to be able to remind myself of how we can move through life as all kinds of shapes of water. The shape of water. The essence of this metaphor lies in the ever ongoing ability of water transforming its shape into whatever its surrounding. You will find water in nature as the strongest force as a wave of the ocean in a Tsunami, huge bubbling rivers, making their ways through rocks, as well as giant waterfalls shaping rocks from edges to the smoothest surfaces, rushing down on them, over them, through them. It is the unstoppable force of life itself, a strength, power we cannot control. At the same time you will find water somewhere else in th...

 ...Feeling home for all the past weeks...There's one specific reason . It's my amazing friends that came into my life just like this unforeseen 9 months ago and became my family in no time. And this I mean in the most literary sense. I have no words for how much they move me every day, how deeply happy they make me, touching my heart with all this glow, this light, this sincere open love they have been given me unconditionally from day one.  Sitting today on the Easter fire with the view on the mountains, 3 sisters, friend, mother and partner all treating me like I've always been there. Hugging me, kissing me, sitting together, all in the biggest empathy and selfless care I have ever experienced bringing me in a state of awe, of gratitude and bliss I haven't known exists before. Tears running down my face just by being surrounded by their glowing energy, their happiness, their care and joy. This is heaven. No doubt. This is more love than I ever knew there was in the U...

More and more topics start unfolding around me in conversations in exchange and interconnection with my amazing companions over these past days. It gives me a whole lot more to think about, put pieces of my puzzles together, connect and break open more perspectives of transcending thoughts and ideas into new concepts of feelings and mind patterns. Having stood by my deeply loved friends watching their relationship concept with all its pleasures and burdens they now have been getting stuck in conflict for quite some time and cannot at the moment seem to find a way back to each other in understanding but instead drifting from one another in their profound opinions clashing. Me as the lucky person in the middle being embraced by both of them in deep trust, pouring out their thoughts and hearts to me I can say I get the best of both worlds, getting the opportunity to form new pictures, asking myself profound questions of our existence. Not only that it is interesting, transformational for ...

 Developement, growth in all shapes, colors and variations. Expression comes unidentified in as many forms as there are lives on the planet, in its origin, pure, changed, in transformation. We can easily be fooled by a shape of an apparent "state of growth" but really it's a blur because it's not a straight latter going from low to top but a ball of strings going everwhere and nowhere and is therefore unseparable, only visible at a certain moment in time, then going back into the eternity of the Universe showing up again whenever needed, for transformation and again going back into the endless strings of life into Eternity. Coming from the same and only source in each and every person, the urge of self-realisation outside and in. I made a step into another moment of life, with all the support of the Universe disentagling just another loop of the countless strings of knowledge, wisdom, information engergy. Stepping away from the false peace of the camper van to my well...

Love. Seems like the entire world has written on this topic and still no one can really find a definition for it. At least not one that makes everyone happy or is even possible to be put into the true meaning through language. I will of course not try to do that either. All I am trying to do is to put down my thoughts and feelings that have been growing and developing inside of me over the past weeks. More and more often the topic of unconditional love has arisen in my life over the past months, leaving behind my life in Berlin with all these people I love so much and who love me. But the feeling I had when I was about to leave was a different feeling of love than I have had all these years before. It had not just changed or grown but through transition transformed into a shape of love that I hadn't experienced before. It would move me to tears again and again when I connected to it imagining the people in front of my inner eye living through the moments repeatedly when they told m...