My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

 In all diesen Momenten, in denen ich wie auf Scherben mit allergrößter Sorgfalt und Vorsicht um dich herum geschwebt bin, um keinen Trigger versehentlich auszulösen, zog sich mein Herz zusammen, krampfhaft, mein ganzer Brustkorb tat so weh, dass ich kaum atmen konnte. Das Gefühl der anfliegenden Aggressionen, wenn sich der Lautsprecher nicht synchron mit dem Laptop verbinden wollte, um zu meditieren, als der Kaffee übersprudelte, genau wie deine Emotionen, die Suppe aus dem Topf des Herdes spritzte wie deine Gefühle, hei ß und unkontrolliert, sich deine Ungeduld und Unruhe breit machte. Du fragtest nach Raum, ich gab ihn dir. Doch je mehr ich dir gab, desto weniger bekam ich. Dann sagtest du: "Aber du lässt mir gar keinen Raum...", als ich meinen Input zu deinen Gedanken geben wollte, unsere Gemeinsamkeiten hervorheben, Verbindung zurück bringen, und mein Herz verschloss sich , in Schmerz und Angst, in tiefer Verletzung von deinen Reaktionen. Es trieb mir die Trän...

...where physical aspects of the outer world end and dissolve in the being the energy dissolving the physical body integrating into the Universe, the collective mind, the collective existence, oneness. True connection cannot grow from one ego to another one, this can only bring competition, comparing and therefore create the opposite. Discrimination. Disconnection. Sharing our hearts, our souls with deep respect and care for one another we are the creators of love, because we are, oneness, through understanding, combining, evolving, dissolving, transforming, creating something new, something bigger exponentially growing into endlessness, Universality. Spiritual interconnection. Universality begins where the ego ends. Spirituality begins where integration of our ego begins evolving into letting go of it, seeing it, embracing it, being aware of it. It was a roller coaster of emotional challenges, being the mirror, being the absorber for pain, not seen, not given space out of another spir...

Oneness again. Everybody is as free as they are. Life is the only religion there is. It includes everything, all and nothingness. Having lived through the past day I probably grew bigger than I had felt before. I learned. I was there. We learned. We were there. In the here, in the now. Protected by all the love the world has to offer. Overly, overwhelmingly, deeply, strongly, eternally. In (my) safe space. The Universe. Through a challenging day coming into my deepest strength being able to feed off our learnings, our practices, going over my own mind, my spiritual ego, silenced, over my heart even, without forgetting it, but holding it closely when it got hurt so strongly because another of my hearts was getting hurt even stronger and I felt that I could hold it, safe it, comfort it with all the love in mine originating from each and every person in my life being carried to me, with me, with us, floating through my day from all over the world, Germany, Switzerland around me, guiding m...

Dipping into Rhine inspired by Felix, cheered on by Leonie, putting on my water sandals, going into the Sun first thing after waking up, feeling the refreshing to say the least, freezing cold water in my whole body bringing a deep feeling of having overcome something. The right energy of embracing a new day getting away from the urge of having to be on a move, in a rush of all times but being perfectly ok with wherever I am. Grabbing the towel, moving up out of the water getting to the house, drying myself, getting into my running clothes, putting on the shoes, refreshed, energized eager for the next action. Leaving the house happily running down towards the Rhine being accompanied by half of Basel having either lunch, enjoying the bank of the river or jogging with me, it felt like the whole world was with me, again reminding me that there could be nothing more than what I had in this moment, feeling the awakening of spring pulling everybody outside. If I had thought I've seen many...

What can I say. It's been a week since I have left Berlin feeling like a month. This first week was full of heartfelt moments, love, happiness, gratitude, tears, laughter, joy, bliss, amazingly deep encounters, meditation, sunsets, singing, dancing, nature, cosy homes and warm welcomes, going to sleep and waking up to beautiful souls closing and opening the days embracing my physical and spiritual body. From walking by rivers, through the deep snow in the woods, making a snow angel, doing the snow dance, having the most beautiful view over the Schwarzwald in sun and snow, going through seasons within just minutes, climbing a rock in the fog To watching the most colorful sunsets connecting the dots closing the circle from the top of a castle, from BAden-BAden to the Sun setting bloody red into the Rhine river in BAsel reconnecting the years to the date, the people in my heart and the love that I seemed to have been missing for so long. It has already amazed me the first days how man...

As I have been accompanied until the last minute I was leaving Berlin by my beautiful friends and my family naturally also my start into this new part of my life couldn't have been any more ... I'm my missing words. Ideal, full, perfect, touching, fulfilling, just as it needed to be. Seems I can barely find my language for the moment for one because I am so tired from all the impressions and my mind trying to grasp what's been happening the past days and two because I have been so overwhelmed by all this love that keeps following me in a way that I also could have never imagined. It is already so much bigger, growing by the day that I can't seem to be able to fully connect to all this at the moment...And just for that part I am so deeply grateful already that it is hard for me to find the right words right now. From where I took off I had all the support of my loving brother, mom, her boyfriend and of course my incredible loving, caring dad helping me move all my thing...

  Waking up I couldn't believe this is my real life. For just a split second I was afraid  that it was only a dream because at night I had already started my journey and was in Southern Germany getting to know Maritreyo, in his house in the mountains, spending time with my friend. So when I opened my eyes for the first seconds I looked around checking if this was reality or if I was still in my job not having changed anything. It is such an indescribably beautiful feeling of just going out living my dream that it is so hard for me to grasp that reality and realize that this is really happening especially after the last days when minute to minute each moment became growingly beautiful, touching, loving, intense, full of happiness, gratitude, joy and love from all my friends and family popping up. Having such an amazingly enriching Friday with my friend Ben coming to see me from Brunswick flowing into my good bye night which was a crazy happening in any possible aspect turning o...

  As I sat on my floor last night trying to figure out what fits into my backpack that I could possibly take and what I have to leave behind, drinking a glass of wine because my emotions were going in all kinds of directions, feeling a bit out of place - my colleague and neighbour friend calls me asking me out for a short walk to say good bye. Excellent timing as it hadn't been for the first time since we got to know each other. I just thought about him the minute before and had been eager to call him out if he hadn't done it himself. I like this person so much. I realized I was not even really aware of it until this exact moment writing this right now. And I also have no idea where it is coming from only I know it is coming from a deep place inside my heart. I never thought of him in that way that I connect to him but I see now that I did and I am more than grateful for that. As Corona brought out a lot of different situations for people lucky for me it brought many funny, won...

- English Version - I am Love, I am Consciousness, I am Light, I am the Energy. I am Soul. Everybody is soul and everybody is I. We are pieces of the Whole (y) Giant God. How can I imagine my Ego best to find a loving  way of being with it? When I hear the word Ego, it automatically arises discomfort in me due to its negative connotation on a linguistic level. How to find a kind and including communication with it?  The concept behind it on a linguistic level, separates me from inviting it with loving kindness on to my way to awakening. The word „Mind“ creates similar feelings inside of me which make it hard for me to find a frank, truly kind way of communication with it. Like a mad person who is interrupting my thoughts all the time trying to convince me to do things, control me, my thoughts, my actions, even my feelings, to distance me from my true being of love while „I“ try to wake up. I cannot find my true self if I do not take my small „I“ (Ego, Mind) with me and accept ...

  Leaving comes into reachable distance. A week from now things will be packed. I find this hard to realize. I don't think I can feel yet what I am getting into and especially that it means that I leave a whole lot of people that I love behind. Really love. Especially my family. I can feel the vibe of leaving the city I was born in, raised in, went to Kindergarten and school in, laughing, crying, growing up, living through all sorts of stories happy exciting and painful sad. Everything has happened in this city for me (except for a few years away). This is my home. Berlin. I think I don't always realize what this means for my heart when I have been planning on leaving because I find the big city annoying with all its individualistic self-centered people in it. But it is not only that. Not at all for me. I have all my life evolving around this city. All my heart, my friends, my family, all of them, my home, my support, the streets that I know so well that I don't even notice...

  March is proceeding so quickly and so is my flat getting more and more empty. It feels very freeing getting rid of everything because the more I let go of things the more I realize there is really only very few material things I need to be happy. I keep giving away my stuff and the more I give away, the better I feel and the more love is coming into my life. Not owning anything really anymore is more than feeing. It really is manifesting the freedom I feel in my heart in the outside. Like a mirror. Mirror mirror as we have it all the time everywhere. Yesterday when I had finished writing being grateful for my colleagues, I went into our weekly meeting from work when at some point my boss declared that he had some very bad news to announce. It sounded like our government had decided that no one was allowed to travel anymore for the next six months but instead he announced my leaving next week. Really. This kind of touched me. So my colleague after all did a fine job complaining to...

  Waking up completely rested feels like such a gift after going to bed super tired the night before. Being healthy, awake, breathing, having the sun shining into my room with its golden light brightening also up my universe in these first hours of the day. Having beautiful people who won't give up on me ,trying to she me how I am worthy, how much they love me without me having to do or be anything else than I already am. When I arrived at work yesterday [12:30pm - Lunch Time] one of my colleagues was standing in the sun seeing me a wide smile moving through her face. She would approach me in surprise of seeing me, asking when I was leaving and if we still got the chance to say good bye. She stated that it really made her sad seeing me leave, that she would complain to our boss that we couldn't have a good bye drink. Just a few minutes later 2 other colleagues joined in expressing their sorrow me leaving, offering me their places wherever I would be in the world, telling me the...

 He doesn't care about my past. He doesn't care about anything I have to say in opposition to him.  He will create a big show according to his appearance.  Since the day we have met. Only the intensity and honesty has increased dramatically over time. He would come walking up the street in his Bavarian Berlin Paris Nigerian Model attitude. Tall, dark and handsome a sparkling glitter mask on his face, fake lashes stuck to his eyes, his blonde wig flitting in the wind. His  High Heels clicking on the paving stone, his Gucci Bag hanging from his arm. He is wearing a furry coat making a big entrance without entering anything. As his appearance he will create a big entertaining show as he has learned in the business. And so he goes on and on like a Mantra singer or if you want to put it in a more annoying way like a broken disc changing between the exhaustingly annoyed and frustrated coach friend, waving his finger in my face, pulling me up the couch to teach me how to st...