My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Ohne zu werten, sagst du. Das ist so toll, wie du sprichst. Werte ich doch die ganze Zeit. Über mich, über andere, schaffe ich es wenigstens es nicht in deine Realität von mir zu tragen. Schaue ich täglich an mir herab und werte meinen Körper ab. Hab ich noch nicht gelernt zu verinnerlichen wie schön dieser Tempel ist, in dem ich wohnen darf. Nicht durch Yoga, nicht durch Meditation. Zu tief sitzt der Schmerz. Ich bin nicht genug. Das habe ich gelernt. Ich sehe anders aus als die anderen. Nicht schön. Jetzt würde ich gern durch deine wertfreien Augen schauen und meine Schönheit erkennen so wie du sie sehen kannst. Das göttliche Geschöpf, das ich bin. Nicht mein Körper.  Mir ist schlecht. Mein Körper ist weich. Weich, wie ein Kissen. Was sollte daran schlecht sein? Werte. Wertung.  Die Haare hab ich mir wachsen lassen, unter den Armen, an meinen Beinen, überall, um mir zu zeigen, dass Liebe nichts mit meinem Körper zu tun hat, dass sie nicht im Außen gefunden werden kann, nur i...

I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I made you feel pain. I'm sorry I got you upset. I'm sorry I insulted you. I'm sorry you are suffering. Did I MAKE you feel this? Can I cause you pain? Can I cause you anger? Can I cause you disappointment? Can I cause you to feel anything? Can I not only be the mirror of what already is inside of you? Can I really bring feelings into existence that were not there before?  Can I build a house without material? Can I grow a tree without planting the seed? Can I eat a warm meal without cooking it? Can I be on this planet without having been something else before? Can energy be created of nothing?  Is it possible to feel something that was never part of myself? Is it really possible for me to cause someone else pain that wasn't already part of them? Can you cause me pain that isn't mine?  Question Existing. 

Sitting in the taxi, it's 6 am, on the way to the mountains again, needing the cleanse again tired from endless nights of drinking, thinking about you. Maybe you were just sent to me to show me what love is. To give me a taste of that I didn't know if to believe in receiving it exists for me, that what I was longing for so long. What I am myself. Again. Make me understand that I am it. That I don't need you to live it although it would make my world so much more beautiful, so much richer, so much greater. Now. I can't control things happening outside of me or inside of you. I will love what is. I will love myself. 

"And who do I meet coming back from their hike? Lina and her boys" She states in her story just as I was to do exactly the same. A picture of me and my boys. Appears I wasn't the only one left with that feeling over the last few days being blessed by this amazing company coming to me just at the right time.  Were you Angels sent to me, not just one, but many, showing your different faces in just exactly the right time,  not knowing what joy was yet to come for me.  Was I chosen to meet the divine light in person blessing my life in the most fundamental way I never knew before, sending me my mirror of the past, doubts to understand. Understand that they cannot change my love. Cannot take it away. That all everything I am is past I need not take it as truth for creating the future I love, in love.  In this truth you sent me two more of a kind. Soothing my outter struggle, filling me up with joy, passion for life, feeding me physically and mentally (churchela, hot bread...

Deine Worte zu lesen, endlich. Endlich wieder ein Teil deiner Gedanken sein zu dürfen, nicht eine Sekunde hat mein Herz deinen Worten stand gehalten, Tränen, nicht enden wollende Bäche, ergießen sich über mein Gesicht, wie Flüsse die Berge hinab, wollen nicht aufhören, mit jedem Wort, was mein Herz aufsaugt, wie reines, helles, klares Licht, Energie der Liebe, rollen Meer Tränen aus der Tiefe meines Herzens. Jeden Gedanken fühle ich als wäre es mein eigener. Verbunden in jedem Gefühl, zu dir, zu mir, zu uns, deinem Schmerz, deiner Qual. In der selben Frequenz ungebrochen als wäre es deine Energie, welche sich in meine verwandelt, ja schon immer die selbe war. Möchte ich dich in meinen Armen halten, deinen Kopf in meinen Händen, dein Gesicht mit Küssen bedecken und dir sagen, dass alles gut ist. Dass alles, was du in dir trägst, genau so richtig, genau so wunderbar, göttlich ist. So tief ist dein Herz, so unendlich. Deine Verbundenheit mit dem Universum und doch leidest du. Dein Geist, ...

Guten Morgen Lina, mein Herz, mein Engel! Was ist los mit deinem Herzen? Was tut dir weh? Was quält dich und will dich einfach nicht loslassen?  Es ist die Liebe. Nur die Liebe. Du spürst eine Sehnsucht, ein Verlangen. Liebe, die gelebt werden will, die sich endlich zeigen und manifestieren möchte. Daran ist nichts falsch. Es ist wunderschön und Du wirst diese Liebe leben, wenn die Zeit dafür gekommen ist. Hab keine Angst. Sie ist da. überall. Sie geht nicht. Du wirst sie leben. Und wenn Du jetzt das Gefühl hast, dass Du Dinge mit ihm teilen willst, dann zeigt das nur wie verbunden Du Dich ihm fühlst, was für eine besondere Begegnung es für Dich war und ist und immer sein wird, weil Du endlich gesehen   wurdest, erkannt wurdest, umarmt wurdest und nicht nur das. Du wurdest gestärkt, gestützt, gefeiert für alle Teile Deines Wesens. Es wurde nicht nur ein Teil von Dir geliebt und als Bedingung für seine Liebe missbraucht. Er hat alle Teile an Dir umarmt, zu sich ge­holt, wertges...

The rain just won't stop. The sky is crying for us, seeing us part. Since you had to leave, gave me a last kiss, a last hug, "I will write you something when I have processed all this a little. If you need anything, if you need help around here, if you want to share anything, please just let me know. I will be there for you." Your love knows no limits. I had to turn around, tears dropping out my eyes, I couldn't see you walk out that door, leaving not knowing when I will see you again. Feel your skin touch mine again, your lips kissing me tenderly, your hands holding my face, your eyes looking deeply into mine, reading my soul, your arms wrapping around my body holding me tightly, feeling safe like there's nothing in the world that could hurt me anymore, nothing to fear. Like the dream that I knew existed had to take a break here just for a moment that is as well part of this divine encounter just as our first meeting, the same divine energy separating us for now....

It's the first early morning hours. The surrounding breathtaking. The most beautiful mountains of the Greater Caucasus surrounding me, laying in paradise garden, viewing the incredible green mountains topped with the towers of Svaneti like a fairy tale, the sun slowly rising up higher to its fullest potential,  a cup of coffee in front of me, fresh Georgian bread, cheese and homemade jam next to me.  "Would you like breakfast tomorrow?" She asks me once I had put down my bags. "No." I automatically reply since I have just enough cash left to pay my room for the two nights wishing to even extend my stay. I ask her again for the exact price per night and tell her that I didn't bring enough money from Mestia for all the days up in the mountains. I feel bad. I can already feel her kindness, she's smiling at me.  Slowly the sun is moving towards me, warming my face. I feel home. Again tears quietly rising from my eyes. This beauty of Life. I can't put it ...

 And so I watch them walking out the metal gate leaving this beautiful garden the mountains in the back with the view on the old towers hearing the white noise of Ushguli river. Tears rise up my eyes. My heart. Saying bye still hurts. I Love them.Their soul, their open, kind, interes­ted minds, embracing me the first night we met, not even two days before. Inviting me for a beer the  most happy smile in his face, he keeps asking me all kinds of questions about who I am, and what I do with my life. "I am so happy I got to meet and talk to you" He says, my heart is smiling, moved, touched in a way that seems I have been missing. Only the next morning right before taking off to another day of hiking he hands me a Golden Coin and says: "There is something I want to give you. It's the Slovakian national hero. It shall bring you Luck for your journey." I hugged him, more like falling into his arms so touched by this random ges­ture caring so deeply from his heart and ...

Having taken on the topic of my last attempt of opening my heart and have had it broken again brought me yet thankfully a new angle on my wild turmoil, introducing the different levels of human connection, projection and how all the entanglement was causing me emotional confusion I wasn't able to dissolve until now. Luckily now understanding that just because we do find connection with a person on one or two levels does not necessarily mean we truly connect as a whole deeply in our souls as this is the deepest and last level of spirituality. Setting apart the four levels of physique, emotion, mental state and spirituality helped me to find clarity over most of my "failed" past relationships going up into flames and understanding why I have stepped into similar patterns with very different people over and over again. As I haven't been aware of the multilayered channels through which we can connect with each and every person I was many times struck in total confusion by...

Emptiness. Confusion. Still lost. Lost in my pain, my transformation. Not being able to process yet. Working through. Blocking myself floating around in the universe like a lost little soul blown away by the wind, trying to change my surrounding to a more comfortable one, getting stuck in the unbearable heat of the big cities of Turkey, feeling more lost being at CS places which distance me myself even more from my inner being, bouncing into situations that require elaborated intercultural communication skills, giving my all, myself when really I am already drained and the only thing I need is a friend. A good friend who loves me, who's catching me, who is there for me comforting me in my being, supporting the progress in the process, giving me sympathy to find my way back to myself. Being ex­posed to this unavoidable blistering heat day and night, pushing me to move on, find a cool spot to become clean, clear like pristine water, my inner pain pushing me forward in need of a fresh...

 "What are you doing?" He asks I'm looking at him the pot in my hands ready to clean it. "You're the guest. You can't do this." I'm laughing.I love this. I'm at Berkan's and Özkan's parents house, the two brothers 26 and 29 years young. I had contacted Berkan on Couchsurfing and they initially invited me already when I had arrived in Istanbul being very sick a few days before. Supplying me with medication, checking up on me, taking care of everything for me. Organizing the proper medication (lucky me Özkan is a nurse and did a very professional long distance diagnosis via Whats App after days of not being able to eat, nausea, fatigue, weakness, blood circulation problems, headaches, not holding anything inside, simply feeling out of order like someone unplugged me, existing becoming challenging every day), Berkan coming all the long way of 90 minutes to my hostel, trying to organize me a Sim card that's not overpriced, a metro card an...

When you look at a flower and you find it very beautiful and you go and pick it to enjoy her beauty, just soon afterwards you will see how it's dying, wilting. Why is it not beautiful anymore you ask yourself? It needed protection. You picked it and you let it die. I needed your protection.  The past weeks my life seems to have sta rted to go through a dramatic transformation in every way I can possibly think of. It feels like a very powerful wave moving through my days over and over again with such strong force of emotional energy, shaking everything up that has been created in the past like a tsunami crashing on the shore, an earthquake shaking up my entire existence, rearranging, selecting, collecting bringing all existence into a new order that seems to have been needed for quite some time, having felt this knot inside of me somewhere in my solar plexus, sometimes feeling sick, not knowing the reasons, just this deep notion of wanting to throw up my emotions that I couldn't...

Why we would like to be parents. An attempt of looking into the desire of bringing new life into this world.  This is for a person who has become part of me in the speed of light. Thank you Nacho for making me go into this topic a bit deeper to reflect on my own nature of decision making.  Natural instinct or society formed life model based on one of the deepest human desires and fight for survival? What are the reasons for us to bring more children into this world when clearly there are more than enough already at this point in time? What is truly moving us  to bring more people into this world?  Many children are homeless, starving, dying of hunger each day, not having a roof over their head or caring parents not to mention all these young creatures having to live as orphans. Ethically we probably all can find enough reasons for not bringing more children into this world that is already overloaded with problems of all kinds, burdened with environmental, political a...

Screaming inside out Deaf to the voices Deaf to the outside Blind for the inside Switching in between Yelling again louder Trying to be heard By whom? Yelling, crying, screaming Raising my voice Louder and louder Trying to be heard By HIM ? Was he not listening? Was I listening? Yelling. Louder. I am not listening.  My inner voice getting Louder Unheard rising up From the inside out I wasn't listening.  Betrayal again.  When will I cease to betray myself?